Hi all. So I have had issues with my JNMIL for as long as I have been with my husband. From the moment she met me, she didn’t like me. I don’t know if it’s because she thought I wasn’t good enough for her son, or if she thought that I was taking her life partner away from her. He had been single for many years before me and maybe she thought that he was going to stay single and live with her forever.
Fast-forward to now, my husband and I have welcomed the most beautiful baby. This baby also happens to be the first grandchild on his side of the family. My own mother keeps telling me to be nice and not deny my JNMIL from seeing her grandchild. The thing is, I’m not denying anything. JNMIL does not text me, does not call me. She never has. When she came to the hospital to meet the baby a few days after I gave birth, she didn’t even bother asking me how I was even though I had just been through a major abdominal surgery to give birth to my baby. But apparently at the hospital when my mother was talking to JNMIL, she told my mother that she wishes we would invite her over or let her come over so she could spend time with the baby. She has not once asked me to come over, she hasn’t once asked how I am or the baby is since the baby’s been born.
Am I really that mean for simply continuing our relationship as usual even though I now have a baby? I just don’t understand why all of a sudden I have to go out of my way to be around my JNMIL just because I had a baby. I didn’t have a baby to make her a grandparent, I had a baby because I wanted a baby. Everyone keeps making it seem like I have to have my baby be around all of her family otherwise I’m depriving her of something.
My husband is the only one that isn’t pushing things. He does say that he wants to show off our darling baby, but he has always been understanding of me wanting to limit my contact with his mother. Now I don’t know what to do.
His mother is not someone that I want to be around. I truly don’t feel like I can just sweep everything under the rug like his family usually does. She’s never apologized to me for being rude to me, or yelling at me. She never even congratulated us when we got engaged. She literally just stared at the ring when told the news and stayed quiet. And now everything‘s just supposed to be OK? I’m not like that. But how do I go about asking for an apology without sounding petty?
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Nah, if she wants something from you, she can use her big girl words and ask. She needs to apologize and mend fences with you. I would carry on as you are until something changes. I’m betting she won’t make any moves to make those changes.
If I am reading your vibe correctly, you are content with things as they are. Carry on! 😉
Tell your mom to keep out of it, she’s overstepping. If MIL wants to set something up, she can be a human with human manners. You do not need to defer to the feelings of an emotional terrorist, especially when it comes to your innocent babies.
In my home we have a strong, standing rule: no respect or relationship with the parents? No respect or relationship with the children. That’s just how it is!
You’ve got this 🫶 stay strong and listen to your gut. Having your husband in your corner is the most important thing. This sub has 10000000s of stories of women “wanting to do right/be the better person” who regret opening their lives and families to dangerous, rude, selfish people. Harder to get them out than to have strong, healthy boundaries at the beginning.
Plus, after all that. Why would anyone want you to chase the hag? Beg her to come over? Ask her to enter your safe space? Hold your caterpillar baby in her bitter, nasty arms, trying to kiss on them and whisper mean words about their mother in their ear? LOL NO!!
Stay strong mama 👏♥️👏
PS sorry this is getting long. You can’t ask for an apology. It wouldn’t be real, and you know that. She hasn’t even offered a faux apology and went and whined to your mom. Pathetic! Don’t extend anything more towards her, focus your attention and care on your own little family 🫶🥰🫶
If she’s not willing to have a respectful relationship with you, she doesn’t need to have one with your child.
My Mil treated me like dirt for almost thirty years. I continued to keep the peace because my own JustHellYesMama told me it was the right thing to do. She was rarely wrong, so I did. At mom’s funeral, my MIL behaved despicably. Upon leaving the church, I was DONE. Well and truly done with JNMIL’s behavior. I cut contact and JNMIL died four years later.
Don’t be me. Don’t live a life of trying to decide whether your JNMIL is worthy of your time and attention or access to your child. Just realize that she isn’t.
I don’t think you should ask for an apology (it would never be genuine or satisfactory).
If your husband is willing, let him take the baby to visit his family at their place and if anyone questions why you aren’t there, he can tell them they know MIL doesn’t have a relationship with you. Anyone who questions you directly can be told that you don’t have a relationship with her, but she’s welcome to arrange baby visits with her son.
You should probably be prepared for people to judge you and call you cold, pressure you to be the bigger person, blah blah blah. You have to find the words that are most comfortable for you, but they should be brief and to the point, which is that you are NC with MIL and the reasons are personal, painful and you will not be justifying your decision. That may change someday, but for now that’s how it is. Then just keep repeating the same thing until they get tired of you not bending to their will and leave it alone.
You can also tell your mother that, but elaborate and explain that your MIL lied to her (to make you look bad!) and your husband will be managing your child’s relationship with MIL.
Your mom is wrong, and seems to be a people pleaser. No ma’am, I will not rug sweep MIL’s bad behavior with no apologies. That would have me side eyeing MY MOM. That also tells me your mom may try to have MIL around your baby if she has your baby without you there since she seems like the type to do what SHE feels is best instead of respecting YOUR boundaries.
With respect, your mother is wrong. Also, JNMIL may present a cordial face to your mom, but your mom hasn’t been treated rudely and marginalized like you have. Mom needs to be supportive and mostly silent on your decision.
You owe JN nothing. Nothing. She could have chosen to get help for her mother/son issues to enable her to accept her grown son’s decisions and choices; and be at least decently cordial with you. But she didn’t. She chose to be a cold bitch to you. Now she faces her consequences.
Hold your line, protect your peace.
You don’t have to do anything differently. Your baby belongs to you and your husband – your voices are the only ones that matter regarding decisions about your baby.
If DH is accepting of the situation, roll with it. His relatives are his responsibility.
Your MIL created the distance in your relationship so it’s up to her to bridge the gap. She’s also the one with the incentive to have a relationship with you and your baby. Your child isn’t missing out on anything at this point. Your MIL is the one missing out.
If you and your husband reach out to her or invite her over, you’re giving her access without requiring her to change. Don’t do that.
Your mom is empathizing with your MIL from the perspective of being a grandmother. Your MIL has triangulated you with your mother and you need to set a boundary with your mom about no longer discussing MIL. Your MIL’s relationship with your little family is your husband’s responsibility, not yours. Its up to him to involve his family in your lives, not you.
If he isn’t close to his own mom, why would anyone assume your child would be? Why is your MIL blaming you? She is a manipulative coward blaming you for her challenged interpersonal skills. Your husband needs to work on his relationship with his mom and get her to understand that he chose you and she has to respect that and make an effort to repair with YOU before fixating on YOUR BABY.
A baby is not a communal pet. Your child is not responsible for adult feelings, desires, or expectations. What’s important for children is having safe, supportive, and caring adults in their lives with good values, not just random blood relatives. I have been doing a ton of research on the importance of grandparents and the only thing I can find is grandparents are very beneficial when they support the whole family, not act entitled to the grandchild while causing stress and strain on the parents.
My MIL would try to triangulate with my mom too, and my Mom would say “Mil is feeling unwelcome” I would tell my Mom that MIL can put her big girl panties on and use her words. MIL wouldn’t do that because she learned pretty quickly that I wouldn’t fall for her manipulation, but my Mom, and DH would.
MIL didn’t put work into our relationship and all of a sudden baby is here and she wants to be here all the time. MIL isn’t reaching out to you because she hasn’t put any positive work into her relationship with you, so she is whispering to her minions (your mom) to guilt trip you. Tell mom that you don’t want to hear about her conversations with MIL. Don’t do anything different.
If your MIL wants a relationship with you and your child she’s welcome to reach out, take ownership of and apologize for her past behaviors. Then and only then would you be interested in possibly building some sort of relationship.
She currently has the relationship with you of her own choosing. It’s quite simple, as you said, your choice to have a baby had absolutely nothing to do with her. It was not an effort to create a relationship with MIL.
Quite simply, you give every single person the same answer. “MIL has the relationship with me of her own choosing. Mil knows how to get in touch with me if she has something to say or discuss with me. Having a child is a terrible reason for me to reach out and try to rekindle a toxic relationship.”
You didn’t have a baby to heal her feelings or fix your relationship.
It’s telling that she talks to your mom instead of talking to you directly.
You’re not “keeping her away.” She’s keeping herself away by refusing to reach out.
You don’t owe her an invitation just because you gave birth.
The lack of congratulations or concern for you says it all.
I’m proud of your attitude. Having a baby shouldn’t erase prior behaviors, and you’re lucky your husband doesn’t really care. I understand where your mom is coming from, but does she not realize your MIL told her that at the hospital for just this reason? She’s an adult and can use her words and her phone to reach out. Sounds like she doesn’t want to, but does want you to feel guilty. Don’t fall for it!
Your husband sounds like he’s handling this well, supportive and not pushing.
First of all, I’d sit down with both your mother and husband (separately is fine) and tell them that if MIL wants to see your child, she needs to use her words and talk to *you* about it. None of this tip-toe insinuation that she ‘wishes you would invite her’ or that you would ‘let her have time’ – no. She can call up on the damn phone and say ‘Hey, DIL, I was wondering if…’ whatever.
At which point, you’d be perfectly set to say ‘Gladys, I find it so strange that all through my involvement with your son, you have been nothing but hostile to me – at best indifferent – and all of a sudden you want to spend time with me. Can you explain that? All of it? Because this sudden reversal seems to have come out of nowhere.’
You’re not petty for wanting an apology. You’re asking for basic respect.
Congratulations on your baby!
No need to make changes when your own husband is on the same page as you. You both are parents now, and your child is the priority, which also means you and your husband’s combined mental and physical health by extension. Pleasing others just creates more drama that you don’t need and can’t spare the energy for as new parents.
I’m from a culture that is big on filial piety, which means that a lot of my family members just don’t get it when I don’t want to “show that I have manners”, “do the right thing” or “pay respect” to my JNMIL (or the whole branch of the ILs). I swear my mom thought there was something wrong with me when I said my conscience is clear even if I don’t do even the bare minimum for them given how they’ve treated my husband and kids. I’ve had arguments with my family with their insistence about how it’s better for me to have empathy for their messed up situation of their own making instead of being resentful towards them. I retorted that I have one child with special needs and another who needs testing for the same, so I am probably forever going to be in self-protection mode. If someone is toxic to me or my family they don’t get to be a part of it, period. No regrets.
Sorry for the rant. I just would hate for you to put pressure on yourself to conjure up a Hallmark or fairytale relationship when having the distance from her is working out well for you.
Your baby doesn’t need exposure to toxic dynamics.
It’s funny how people always say “be nice” but never tell MIL to be nice to you.
You’re not depriving her of anything. She’s depriving herself by refusing to change.
Your relationship can stay as before. Tell everyone you are fine with how its been so why change? What’s different?
You’re not being mean, you’re being cautious. Your JNMIL’s behavior towards you has been consistent, cold and dismissive. Don’t feel obligated to change your boundaries just because there’s a baby involved. If anyone’s being petty, it’s her expecting special treatment without putting in any effort.
Just because you have something she wants doesn’t mean you are obligated to entertain her. And your mom needs to step off and keep her opinions to herself.
Tell your mother to back off when it comes to your in laws, that’s not a relationship she’s part of and she needs to stop butting in and pressuring you.
Why would you show respect to someone who doesn’t towards you, she completely ignores you but expects you throw a red carpet under her feet ?Your mother gave you a bad advice here. Why would you have to accomodate or , invite her while she didn’t take accountability, apologize and try to make amend? And she still shows disrespect . It’s not your responsibility to maintain the relationship with her , and make sure she sees LO enough.
I have one rule : if you don’t respect the parents, you don’t get access to the grandchild . Because what kind of exemple it would show to the child if you tolerate someone disrespecting you ? It would normalise disrespect.
Why husband doesn’t stop this behaviour earlier ? It’s his mother and he shouldn’t tolerate how she behaves towards you, he should have set boundaries and enforced it with consequences. You and LO are his nuclear family you should be his priority, always.
Your mom is stirring a pot she doesn’t have to scrub later
Your mom needs to tell your justnomil to be nice to her daughter if she wants a relationship with her granddaughter. Or at least your mom needs to tell her to learn to use her words and ask about visiting since I’m assuming you are not a mind reader to know that’s what she wants.
I do wonder if your mil does the woe is me to play victim and cause friction between you and your mom, because she’s accomplishing this every time your mom sides with her.
Just food for thought – one day a daughter may have a MIL and become a DIL. And one day that DIL may become a MIL.
Why do women continue to beat each other up instead of standing together?
You absolutely do not have to be nice to anyone. Your mother’s asking that because she assumes your MIL is putting efforts to be a decent person.
Nobody “visits the baby” until after 18. They visit you and ask to see the baby. “I’m visiting the baby” allows the simple minded MIL to bypass you entirely. “No OP I’m not visiting you, move away and make me coffee, I’m here to visit the baby”
I think it’s ok to match MILs energy and your Mother needs to mind her own business. I mean your baby was just born and MIL was already complaining to your Mother that she never gets invited over? 🙄 MIL should have apologized and actively worked on repairing her relationship with you before your baby arrived.
If MIL says anything to either of you then that’s your time to tell her you’ve been waiting for a sincere apology for being rude and yelling at you and that’s what’s needed if she wants time with your child and any further behavior like that won’t be tolerated.
I gotta say, if you read some of the other posts here, you’ve got it pretty good. You literally have a mil who is quietly waiting to be invited.
Normally, there’s multiple posts here every day about mils and moms who show up at your door uninvited, unannounced, text and say I’m on my way over, demand babies to we woken from their naps so they can hold them, don’t give babies back once they’re holding them, keep pestering to have babies brought to their house for an overnight stay, kiss babies on the face, call themselves mamas in front of the baby, claim they started lactating and menstruating again at the tender age of 65 because of the baby, sneak in to your house and rearrange things, secretly throw things away in your home etc etc. Yours doesn’t do any of that so that’s something to be glad about.
Having said that, obviously, you can’t be expected to invite someone who has insulted you and openly doesn’t like you to your home. You don’t have to do that. A good compromise for her to see the baby, would be to meet up in the park or wherever you’re taking your baby for a walk. She can see the baby and after a while you each go back to your respective homes. Husband should be there too, don’t meet her alone. Send a clear message that you, husband and baby are a package deal, he’s has his own family now and is not going to live with her any more.
Your MIL still has contact with your family. Despite her problematic behavior, you didn’t prevent her from meeting her grandchild. It’s not clear what type of relationship your husband still has with his mother or how you’d feel about him letting her see your baby outside of your home. Assuming you’re okay with that (or will be once your child is older), your husband can manage that.
Neither you or your husband should host anyone in your home who is rude to either one of you. Given your MIL’s history and that she hasn’t acknowledged any wrong-doing, it’s realistic to expect her to continue acting as she has.
I’m in the firm people should express interest in seeing your baby camp. You’re a new mom. Why on earth would you be offering to host and entertain people at this stage? If people cared to see you and your baby they would initiate contact. And hopefully make it clear that they don’t expect you to host and entertain them and hopefully bring their own food and drink/have minimal expectations for you to provide any. It’s not about them, it’s about you.
Just look confused “I am? I must have missed the call or text. When did you ask to come over?”
Or “huh weird? She’s never once asked us to come over. I don’t know why she would say such mean things about me. Hope it isn’t early onset Alzheimer’s.”
No. You keep the energy that was there before the baby got there. A new baby isn’t a free pass for desperate, bored mean girls to come use you to get something they want