My husband and I picked up a pattern where basically my JNmom will create an argument or make others angry at her to avoid having to do something that she 1.offered herself up to help with or 2.agreed to help with. An example would be that years ago my JNmom helped my aunt with supervised visits with her daughter and my uncle. My mom offered to do this and it was every 2 weeks or once a month. It seemed like she got tired of doing it and ended up calling my cousin a spoiled brat when speaking with my aunt. That arrangement ended.
When I gave birth to my first she offered up her help in the evenings, but if she got tired of it she would try to start things with me and argue with me until we asked her to step away for awhile and apologize. It was the same when I had my second.
Last year I had a surgery and asked if she could watch me for literally a 10 hour shift while my husband was at work. It was the day after surgery and he couldn’t take it off, and I needed to be supervised for 24 hours. She started some big blowout argument with me so that I wouldn’t want her to come help. I was so exhausted at the time from being unwell that I told her to not even bother and leave me alone.
My mother gets tired of giving my two younger siblings rides and she will start arguments with them. Last year it was with my sister and she told my sister she had an unhealthy obsession with her boyfriend when they would only meet up a few times a week during the summer. Her bf started giving her rides all the time to avoid it.
Most recently she had worked her way into being a trustworthy babysitter again. She offered to watch our children a bit while I was gone for a weekend, and my husband would be around to help with dinner and bedtime etc but he also would be doing his weekend chores. She started a huge blowout fight and left in the middle of Easter and it seems largely like she wanted to get out of babysitting.
We’re no longer trusting her to babysit but I just wanted to know if there was like a technical term for that. It happens pretty frequently to the point that my siblings and I roll our eyes and brush it off at this point. I’m putting up boundaries with my mom but I don’t really know how to handle that avoidance behavior. It’s like she wants to seem charitable in the moment and offers herself up for a selfless act of help, but at the last second starts an argument with whoever she offered help to so they don’t want her around and she doesn’t have to help. It’s wild to witness.
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Assholery?
Mind you, that covers so many different JustNo behaviours!
You’re describing your mom’s behavior in a very relatable way. It sounds like she’s struggling with her own emotions or boundaries, and instead of communicating her needs clearly, she’s using conflict as a way to escape commitments.
Have you considered having a calm, non-accusatory conversation with her about how her behavior affects you and your family? Sometimes, people aren’t aware of the impact their actions have on others, and talking it through can help.