Like most of us we have different levels of loudness and intonation of our voice. If I am expected to understand other people and their differences, I expect other people to understand my differences. I am from the North East and currently live in Florida, and I am sick and tired of people telling me not to yell, when I am not yelling. This is the point that I AM usually a little worked up, and my voice is not the calm level that it might have been a few minutes before.
What I don’t think people realize is that at a biological level, yelling and crying both originate from the limbic system, the part of the brain involved in emotion, motivation, and behavior—especially the amygdala and hypothalamus. These areas trigger your body’s fight, flight, or freeze response, especially under stress or intense emotion.
Crying is often a parasympathetic response (linked to distress, sadness, or relief).
Yelling is more of a sympathetic response (linked to anger, fear, or assertion).
Both, however, activate the AUTONOMIC nervous system, which controls INVOLUNTARY bodily functions like breathing, heart rate, and VOCALIZATION.
Both are vocal outbursts—just expressed differently depending on how the body channels emotional energy.
How someone reacts—whether with yelling, crying, or even silence— can depend on different factors such as:
Personality traits, Past experiences, cultural background, and social conditioning.
Personally, I was raised with the thought that open expression of ones true self leads to less miscommunication, and usually leads to less problems as well.
In my HUMBLE opinion we are living in a society that has made it unacceptable to speak up. If I’m mad. I want to let you know that I am displeased. I am not going to be meek about it but, AT THE SAME TIME, I understand that I have to respect others around me. So while I may not be yelling, you should respect me and my perspective of whatever the issue is, got me emotionally charged enough to get me to the point of not talking calmly any more. The WORST thing you can do at that point is tell me not to yell, because right there you have dismissed me and tried to invalidate how I feel about the current situation, which clearly I am already emotionally charged about. The best de-escalation technique I feel works best is when someone says. Ok… Let me see if I understand where you are coming from, and then repeats what I am mad about. Personally I then feel as they are actually listening and trying to understand. Even if we don’t agree I at least know they UNDERSTAND. For me at least, it’s the absolute fastest way for me to not be as emotionally charged.
Sidenote:
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. While I’m not suggesting that not everything you are displeased with is evil; not speaking up when you disagree with something slowly builds the foundation for letting things go that you probably shouldn’t. Be brave, but keep it respectful.
TLDR: Telling me not to yell is no different than telling someone not to cry. You are invalidating the origin of the feeling, and therefore disrespecting the person.
Comments
Please remember what subreddit you are in, this is unpopular opinion. We want civil and unpopular takes and discussion. Any uncivil and ToS violating comments will be removed and subject to a ban. Have a nice day!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Stop yelling at me. I’m just trying to have a nice evening on the interwebs
Yelling is sometimes seen as a precursor to violence. Crying is not.
I don’t like people who yell when it’s not an emergency. Just talk to me like a normal person. Unless the environment is loud, you’re just projecting your anger onto the person you’re talking to like an animal.
It’s not yelling; some of us are just NE Italians.
People are afraid of a little bass
Does it mean you’re yelling when you type in all caps? Because I read it as yelling
I feel like anyone I’ve met that’s from Florida talk extremely loudly. Maybe it comes off as yelling because not all states are known for that. A lot of my friends who aren’t from Florida have noticed the same thing when it comes to Floridians. Sorry.
this is a really long explanation, stop yelling at me.
Having your voice be louder than normal is literally the definition of yelling. That’s what yelling IS. Control yourself, and have an upvote for this absurd opinion.
Or you could develop some emotional intelligence and self-control. It’d be less typing for your self-justification too.
OK
“I’m not hitting you, I’m slapping you”
I get this a lot. I’ve got bad hearing and speak quite loudly in general. TBH I’m extremely self conscious about it. When I’m getting excited, my volume comes up, and certain people will tell me to “calm down” which is like, ok, I’ll just go sit quietly in the corner.
I rarely yell. In fact, most people who’ve told me to stop yelling, have never heard me yell.
I agree with this unpopular opinion, I’m also from the Northeast (CT/NY) but live in Omaha currently, I am frequently told not to yell when I am merely raising my voice. I think it’s particular amongst those who sense it as social aggression, when it’s really just a natural response like you say.
I think the Northeast accepts and socializes aggression more than the South or West or Midwest, as stereotypical Northeasterners might be considered more rude or hostile, as opposed to Southern/Midwest “niceness” or Western “laid back” natures. It might also be why the top drama schools, Ivy Leagues, Wall St, etc are located there, where aggressive styles are more accepted in ultra-competitive areas.
If I have to deal with someone who gets loud on a regular basis, I find ways to avoid them. I don’t have time for loud people. If you can’t explain yourself calmly, don’t bother, you’ve already lost me.
If this happens often enough that you have to write an essay about it, there’s a good chance you’re just yelling at people.
Raising your voice and yelling are effectively the same thing in different degrees. Both are escalations. Both are uncomfortable for the person on the receiving end.
One of the definitions for Yelling in Merriam-Webster is “scream, shout”
And one of the definitions for Shout is “to utter in a loud voice”.
So, in a way, if you are being loud, you are yelling. It just depends on what you consider loud and what the person you’re talking to considers loud.
yelling and changing your tone of voice are the same to me IMO. if you can’t calm the fuck down for two seconds and talk in a normal tone then i’m not engaging with you 😂
One person’s raising of voice is another person’s yelling. Not that tough to figure out. Also, you don’t get to tell people what they experience. Especially when emotions are involved.
You sound like my partner lmao
I respond badly to raised voices, but I also understand that many people don’t actually know how loud they are (especially in the neurodivergent population, which is the population I work with) so I got in the habit of just gently reminding someone that they are louder than they realize. I’m respectful. I do not ask them to stop yelling because that infuriates me as well. I treat them the way I would like to be treated. That has worked well for me.
You’re justifying it by talking about human nature but ignoring the other persons instinct that a raise in voice by an agitated person is a good reason to be weary.
Love how the whole post is saying it’s involuntary and is the same reaction of someone who would instead break down and start crying and all the comments are still…
“Well how about grow up and use a normal volume”…
You’re all missing the point.
I’ll treat a discussion with you the same way as anyone else….if your inability to maintain composure is getting in the way, be it because you’re raising you voice or crying in frustration, I’m disengaging until emotions have calmed down. There’s nothing useful that can come from either of us being emotionally charged. I’m not going to tell you to lower your voice or stop crying. I’m just gonna back away and wait until the temperature has dropped a bit. I hold myself to the same standard and when I feel my emotions are getting heighted over something, I stop and tell whoever I’m talking with that I need to clear my head first before we continue.
It’s called emotional regulation. It’s a sign of maturity.
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I hate it when I talk firmly or slightly louder than before and someone hits me with a “stop yelling” bitch I’m not yelling
If you’ve got a naturally loud voice you should learn to keep its power under control when you’re angry and annoyed, the same way a large person has to learn to not be intimidating or use too much force rather than just hurting someone and saying “it’s not my fault I’m big!”
If people are accusing you of yelling (and possibly scaring them) listen to them and maybe employ some self control. You can still strongly make your point in a quiet way. Nobody is unable to control their volume, unless they’re, like, three years old.
I know we’re supposed to upvote if it’s an unpopular opinion, but man — I could hardly bring myself to upvote this. “Invalidating the origin of the feeling?” Come on, fam. I say this in love, truly:
No one in the entire world insists that having some pitch or punch or inflection in one’s voice necessitates “yelling.” Not a soul. Took me a while, but I asked them all.
Also, no one says “stop yelling” to someone who yelped because they stepped on a nail, shouted at a jump scare, or while being chased by lions in the African savanna.
No, people say “stop yelling” when people are, well, yelling too much. You are probably yelling too much, and you’re blaming “personality traits” and “experiences” instead of saying “hmm…maybe I need to grow up a bit and moderate my volume and tone.”
Just reading your tirade made me want to plug my ears and say “stop yelling.” It’s insufferable. “You should respect me and my perspective…” No. You need to not yell just because something bothered you or someone said something you didn’t like.
You look for excuses, appealing to everything from culture to the limbic system (for real, man…), to justify doing what you’re doing, but you should just stop yelling.
I think there is a difference between “yelling” and “projecting”.
I’m from New York City and so are my parents. My Mother has been tone policed consistently for projecting her voice over a room full of loud kids to get their attention.
I don’t know if maybe some folks you’re dealing with have sensitive ears, or are having a trauma response.
Plus it’s echoey as hell out in the Boonies of any Southern state. You’re heartbeat is loud sometimes. So maybe it unsettles them, but honestly, they need to travel a little and try adjusting.
I grew up on a dairy farm with 7 brothers, I regularly get told to use my “inside” voice. My reply “I got this voice from talking inside a dairy barn to my brothers, so this is my inside voice.”
Now will you please project better, those of us in the back cannot hear you.
I’m triggered by yelling and shut down. I can see yelling if you are hard of hearing but I have sensitive ears and don’t engage when someone is yelling.
In my opinion, people need to understand intention vs. impact. How you intend things to sound & how they are received are two different things. If I tell you your tone of voice bothers me, you don’t have the right to tell me it doesn’t.
People with disorders or survivors of abuse are not able to handle situations where people are speaking loudly because it can trigger PTSD.
You can speak up while maintaining a normal volume. It doesn’t matter whether you call it yelling or not, raising your volume while worked up is not an adult way to have a discussion. At that point it’s an argument. Whether or not that’s appropriate depends on where you are and who you’re talking to. If you get upset at work, it’s inappropriate to raise your voice. If you’re upset around your family, then it may be appropriate to raise your voice and show your emotions.
When I’m angry I cry. It’s rather useless because I can’t yell at someone who actually needs to be yelled at. Getting upset to the point of crying, or raising your voice, or yelling should be rare events. If you’re raising your voice regularly, you either need to work with someone to work on your emotions or you need to change your life so that it is less stressful. As adults, we can control the expression of our emotions up to the point where we are really upset. That means it’s ok to expect adults not to raise their voice on a regular basis.
More like rasing your voice does not equate to you being aggressive. Its a natural emotional response. I remember Dr K (harvard psychiatrist / streamer) talking about that, comparing the response you get for raising your voice vs crying when they are essentially the same thing.
Totally agree with this. I am also from the North East and living in the PNW. My tone is direct which comes across as aggressive for some. I am always being told to modulate my tone, but no one else is told that this is the way she communicates. I now am afraid to speak up at work at risk of being called out as aggressive.
Yelling, raising voice—call it whatever you want—is escalation. That’s the issue.
You are escalating the situation.
Crying doesn’t do that. Calmly explaining doesn’t do that. Walking away doesn’t do that.
A lot of you didn’t grow up in an Italian home and it shows. Some of us are just loud people in general. “stop yelling” how about you stop being soft
So many things wrong with this post. First, the title has nothing to do with the main point. Secondly, there is absolutely no consideration for how your yelling makes the other person feel. How do you know that them asking you not to yell isn’t their involuntary flight or fight response to someone getting aggressive with them. Thirdly, something that I learned long ago about communication is that it is not intention that matters, but the impact, so even if you don’t think that you’re yelling, if that is how it is inviting someone, then you’re yelling. Fourthly, you talk about how people need to have respect for you, but not how you’re yelling isn’t showing respect for the other person at all, they need to put their issues with your yelling aside to benefit you, but you don’t need to take into account the affect that your yelling is having on them. What a garbage post.
Unpopular opinion, due to most of what you are saying being incorrect or just misinterpreted. Vaguely referencing parts of the nervous system and adding some pseudo-psychological nonsense does not negate your responsibility for your own actions.
If everyone is asking you to stop yelling, you’re probably yelling. You need to look into why you can’t manage your emotions and behaviour like an adult.
Why are you yelling?
I have a colleague at my work that is insufferable and talks just like this. Super defensive and seeing himself as the victim of every situation. Unsurprisingly he resorts to yelling almost constantly.
Would it surprise you to know he’s also very rude and tries to talk over other people? His shouting, sorry voice raising, correlates very highly with times that others are sharing their thoughts.
Except raising your voice is also intimidating, whereas crying is not. If you raise your voice in a disagreement, you are escalating, even if the other person did it first. You can’t blame other people when you can’t control your behavior.
i feel sorry for anyone who has to listen to your NON YELLING vocalization when you’re clearly yelling
” I am sick and tired of people telling me not to yell. “
Sounds like a you problem.
Evolutionary reflexes are just what they are. Folks can’t help reacting to a Vocal Volume Alarm that it’s depended on for over 300,000 years.
And I know you probably won’t want to hear this but perhaps Mindfulness and Self-Awareness regarding your tone would go a long way with volume management.
Sure beats explaining: “Yeah, I shout. I won’t change though so deal with it.”
You say you understand the need to be respectful of people around you.
Yet you expect THEM to be the ones to remain calm, listen to you and validate your feelings, while you are allowed to be visibly emotional.
Chances are they are just as emotional as you, but they have kept a handle on their emotions in order to avoid an argument.
So, ultimately, you’re not respecting them, you are expecting them to extend a courtesy to you that you are not extending to them.
I feel yelled at
You are likening raising your voice to being involuntary. That’s… Not true. You are the only one responsible for your emotions and voice level.
If you raise your voice it indicates you are not in control of your emotions, and escalating. You deserve to be called out when it occurs.
It’s your right to be non tactful with your speech, but obviously people will respond poorly to that. That makes sense. It’s seen as not controlled and reactive rather than mindful.
I get what you’re saying. I tend to raise my voice when I get passionate about a topic, also because I have ear problems and can’t hear myself I generally speak at a louder volume than everyone else.
That being said, none of that shit is anyone’s problem but mine. Learn to stop yelling. Down-regulate your volume. No one likes to be around loud people. Grow up.
If people are saying you are yelling a lot you are missing the socially reasonable decibel level.
I hate yelling. It is a rude way to “win” a discussion not by a valid argument but intimidation.
You don’t get to decide how you make someone else feel. 🤷♀️
Respectfully with disrespect, yelling is a worthless waste of energy unless danger is imminent and your shout is a warning or call for assistance.
Idgaf how angry you get, raising your voice (or yelling) is always going to be the end of the discussion for me. You don’t feel heard? Rephrase or walk away. It’s truly simple. I’ve BPD/CPTSD/GAD/MDD/ADHD, so believe that I understand the actions and purpose of the limbic system, and outside of a few rare mental ailments, shouting is not an involuntary action. That is a decision. It is a choice.
I used to shout a ton—then I grew up and learned how to communicate with words, inflection and bodily expression. You simply need to practice self-regulation. 🤷🏽♂️ You’re poopy? Cool. Sit with it. Breathe. Determine whether you’ll continue engaging from a different angle or if you will disengage. That’s it—that’s the trick.
Good luck on your endeavors, Sammy McShouterson. 🚶🏽♂️🚪🏠
> ”I’m worked up, I’m mad, but I’m not yelling!”
> *Describes how yelling is biological response to being mad and worked up*
??
Stop yelling.
Yeah, you’ll know if I’m yelling. I had to learn how to call cadence to a platoon of running soldiers…you’ll definitely know if I’m yelling.
Even if you’re not “yelling” you could just be too loud for other people’s comfort. Someone could have a headache and it might be causing them actual pain. Someone could have a sensitivity to sound.
You don’t have to care, but also don’t be surprised if people don’t want to hang out with you if you disregard their comfort on a regular basis.
I have trouble controlling the volume of my voice after work sometimes (I often have to raise my voice to be heard) and my husband has to remind me when I get home not to yell. And I make a conscious effort to lower my voice because it’s not my intention to cause him discomfort.
I actively avoid people who speak so loud that they must think I’m deaf or they somehow think people will understand them better when they talk louder
NE people raise their voices often to be heard, or when they get excited imo.
Bro everytime you capslocked this post I felt your nasally NE accent yellling in my ears. You’re in control of the volume of your voice. You don’t get a volume pass when you’re agitated.
‘Personally, I was raised with the thought that open expression of ones true self leads to less miscommunication, and usually leads to less problems as well.’ This reminds me of the question, would you rather be right or be happy? Sure, you can be right shouting when you’re agitated, but you won’t be happy and harmonious like you would if you took a breath and lowered the volume. Your quote here is elevating rightness way above harmony, and absolutely creating problems in doing so. Nobody cares if you’re openly expressing your true self if you come off like an asshole, you just come off like an asshole.
Right sub.
If you’re being told you’re yelling constantly you’re probably actually yelling dude. Aside from which, it’s reasonable to expect adults in public to not have emotional outbursts that other people have to manage.
You’re bothered by something and want people to know it? Bloody control yourself and explain calmly what the problem is like a grown up instead of throwing a tantrum.
You’re the reason people hate working in service roles.
I often find that the people who raise their voice or yell often are either bullies, have a hard time with emotional self-control or both.
They’re always tryna talk over you, think that being louder makes them right. Stg 9/10 there’s no reason to raise your voice at all. Like seriously, most situations it’s unnecessary.
Perception is reality: if you’ve had multiple people in your life say they feel like you yell, you might be a bit more loud than you think
I’m on your side. All these virtuous people in here are really trying to make you believe they don’t/never go up an octave in a contentious situation. Now, idk all the situations where you think this applies, and there would be debate whether you’re justified based on that, but I’ve been in positions where it’s just dismissive. I am a loud talker. I try my best to be conscious of it, but it’s just who I am, so when I’m in a disagreement, my voice may go up a little bit. Since my baseline is already loud, that one degree louder seems extra. This is natural for people with high emotions. In no way do I seem out of control or aggressive. Ik the times I have been like this and those times were not ok, but the other times, which I’m defending, were situations where the other person was just trying to deflect from taking any responsibility. I have come to understand that if several people take issue with my behavior, I may be the problem, but this sub is called unpopular opinion and mine is most people are babies that don’t know how to have direct, blunt conversations.
Bro I’m a teacher and the only time I have ever yelled was when a kid was about to set himself on fire by accident.
If you need to yell to get respect, you’re not worth respecting.
Also not sure why you think it’s up to everyone else to de-escalate you. Self regulate like a big boy.
This post made me feel yelled at and mansplained to at the same time. Maybe people do not WANT to deal with you when you are emotional, whether it’s yelling or crying.
Congrats on the unpopular opinion, truly everyone here disagrees with you. Judging by the way you wrote this I’m feeling like you’re the kind of person that thinks it’s normal to communicate aggressively. And spin it how you like, it a) never works and b) just makes everyone think you’re a jerk.
Truly unpopular! Upvote
Are you my bf? I try really hard to not take angry/displeased raised voice as yelling but it’s a work in progress.
I think honestly it’s just from people being overly sensitive bc of the environment they grew up in. At least in my case.
Saying you’re loud or yelling – it’s just semantics. At the end of the day it’s rude to raise your voice around others. If you can’t communicate calmly, then take a beat and do it later. It’s crazy to subject someone else to your emotions just bc you can’t handle them.
I’m so tired of people saying “what” 5 times when I talk at a normal volume and then get mad at me for speaking much louder and sounding irritated.
I get it because some people.seem to think tone of voice is more important than the substance.
I have an anxiety disorder from childhood abuse. You get loud with me often Im not dealing with you, thats my right. Thats not evil.
Raising your voice isn’t quite as unpleasant as yelling, but also it still is unpleasant and there’s never really a good reason to raise your voice at other adults.
If you can’t regulate your voice level like a child throwing a tantrum, you fully should expect to be treated like a child throwing a tantrum.
Nobody is ever going to view whatever you’re saying more favourably if you say it at an unpleasant volume.
Immediately RAISES voice
I have a cousin (and her whole family) who is super loud. Of course, I have learned when she’s actually yelling vs normal speaking. Anyone that wants to spend time with you, op, will figure that out.
As someone with a naturally loud voice and “strong” tone with a lot of bass resonance: you’re wrong.
We are totally capable of controlling our volume depending on the situation. Don’t go around trying to justify your lack of awareness and self-control by pinning it on all of us.
The literal definition of yelling is raising your voice
Whoa… whoa there! What’s with the caps? Stop yelling!
So because you can’t control your emotions, it’s now okay to yell at people? Have you considered anger management, my friend?
I actually agree with this. I should be allowed to experience emotions and getting louder is just part of experiencing strong emotions. It’s not the same as yelling.