I just turned 36, found out a few days ago that SURPRISE I’m pregnant. I thought I was going into perimenopause or menopause but instead I’m pregnant. Sorry still in a bit of shock. My only child is 10, will be 11. Honestly not sure how to handle this.
I’m worried about what this would do to my child. Will they be resentful, they already have anxiety and worry constantly about everyone and everything, because they’re just headed into puberty will is affect their mental health horribly, will the children ever even know each other or even want to be a part of each other’s lives? How hard will it be starting over from scratch with an 11 year old and a newborn? I could really use some advice. Anyone who has had children with huge age gaps, how did you handle it?
This was a complete surprise and I’m struggling with what to do. I’m terrified of doing the wrong thing especially for my 10 yr old. They are my priority. How do I handle this, is this even possible to do without causing a ton of stress and even more anxiety on my 10 year old?
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Why would you think you were going into menopause at 36?!?
I’m 31, I also have a 10 year old who is my world. I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant with thing 2, her new little sister, and she couldn’t be more excited. Granted, ours was planned and she already has two little half brothers from her dad.
I’m making sure my daughter is involved in as much of the pregnancy and planning for the baby as is appropriate. She’s helping pick names, furniture, helping her step dad get the nursery painted and ready. I’m answering all her questions about pregnancy, babies, etc. She will be in the room when sissy is born (her choice, I tried to talk her out of it).
I think if you don’t approach it as a doomsday situation, your child won’t.
I was born when my older brother was 10. He is now one of my best friends. He teaches me so much. When I was in college, I would go visit him and his wife and get a window into adult life. He shares music and tiktoks with me… I think about him and try to make him proud… I annoyed him as a child, breaking his lego creations and whining to hang out with him and his friends. But he was well-adjusted enough to handle it with maturity.
A sibling is a blessing. A child is a blessing. One of the largest blessings possible on planet earth. Even if there’s a bit of friction I suspect you and your child could get past that to enjoy the blessing
my 18yo and 7yo are extremely tight 🙂 On the other hand my little brother was only a year younger and we fought constantly well into our teens. We also get along now as adults though
It really depends on how you handle the situation, my mom and step mom got pregnant 4 months apart. One of those kids are my best friend that I talk to daily, the other one I would not know what to say if I was forced. My mom involved me and encouraged a bond, dad did not.
My oldest is 12 (will be 13 in August) and my youngest turned 3 in January, they love each other so much even though they fight and drive each other and everyone else crazy with their fighting. My oldest has taught my youngest some good stuff (abcs and counting) and some bad stuff (swearing 🤦🏼♀️). It’s a challenge at the end of the day it’s an adventure and it’s fun. My oldest really wanted a sibling and has been helpful for sure.
Maybe sit down with the 10 year old and ask them how they would feel if you ever had any more kids.
This relationship 100% relies on how YOU do things. Keeping things fair and saying things like “when you were a baby we did this” and being present in your older child’s now (this is the hard part with a newborn). Let him be a part of this journey.
This happened to my mom. I was 10 1/2 when my brother was born. My mom made sure not to make me a built in baby sitter and didn’t ask me to help with him. He was my little buddy and now is the most amazing human I know. Now I have an only son who is 17 so I know I will never have another and I regret not having another one. My brother is my ride or die, or bond over our parents. This will be a blessing. You will be ok!
There is an 11 year gap between me and my sister. We never really bonded until she graduated college because we were in completely different stages of life clear up until she hit adulthood.
Perhaps the most damaging thing was that my parents expected me to Third Parent, which is unfair to the older child and destroys their only chance at childhood. I would be remiss in not telling you that it is important for children to have a chance to be children, and that they are not mature enough (physically, mentally, socially, developmentally) to play the role of a parent. You chose to have another child (in a manner of speaking anyway), and they did not. Don’t make your choice their problem.
My brother is 10 years older than me, my husband is 8 years older than his sister
We both have good, close, loving relationships with our siblings. No resentment
Great to think about your current child – but what do YOU want? Are you willing to have another kid? Can you afford it?
I’m a lot older than my brother.
Include her in a lot of the stuff. Ask her to help decorate, if you need to change rooms for her, let her feel agency about getting a bedroom makeover for a teen bedroom.
Basically help her with her anxiety by letting her feel a bit more in control of some things. Make her feel love and valued for her opinion and part of the family as a whole. Tell her how she can help you and ask how you can help her.
It can be hard, but it can also be fun. And now 35 years later my brother is an awesome man and I’m so happy to have him in my life.
The main thing is that you continue to threat your daughter as your child through her teen years. What I mean is a let her have a sibling relationship but understand that she’ll not want to spend all her time with a young child when she’s a teen. And she won’t necessarily want to be a “helper” either- and that’s ok.
Siblings can be a year apart and not have a good relationship. The gap of years isn’t an indicator. One thing I can suggest is parenting isn’t a one size fits all. Each child is different which you know and because of that parenting needs to be child specific. With your 10 year old just keep talking to them reassure them that while the family is growing, your love won’t change. Make sure you still give the older child undivided attention when you can. Maybe that means going to the park with them and baby is with someone else. Or going for ice cream. It’ll be hard. Do you have family support?
I mean…if you aren’t using two forms of protection, and are within childbearing years…….yes, pregnancy can happen. Congratulations 🎉 💖🫶
I am 50 and my kids are 12 years apart and it’s hard. I’ve been parenting a child now for 25 years and I’m tired. I’m a little jealous of my friends who are done with parenting and able to focus on career and hobbies.
My little brother was born when I was like 14. I’m now 35 and he’s 21 and he’s the absolute best. The only advice I have is to explain to the younger kiddo that when sibling is older and doesn’t have time for younger sibling, it’s not due to lack of love. I’m NC with my mom and she did the opposite. It’s funny though bc I have 2 kids now and my brother has no time (he’s 21, I fully cut him slack on it). We’re just hitting that, as my stepson was 10 when my oldest was born, and now they’re 14 and 4 and older bro is doing his own thing. It’s honestly great, and the BEST birth control you could imagine.
I had a daughter really young (17). By the time I was ready for another baby (stable and married) my daughter was 12. Even though our baby was planned, I still very much had the same thoughts as you. I was worried about starting all over with a newborn and worried about how it would affect my daughter.
It’s hard to say if having a baby directly caused problems my daughter would go on to have (major anxiety, depression, major teenage angst), but she definitely struggled through her teen years. Now she’s 20 and he’s 8 and they have your typical sibling relationship (annoying each other).
Ideally, I would never have a 12 year age gap. But, with being a teen mom, that’s just how it had to be. We went on to have two more kids after that and I think my oldest loves having a big family. Now that she’s matured a little, she loves all her siblings, and loves the chaos (well to a certain point lol).
I had my first at 28 and second at 39. Things to remember: stuff has changed a lot in the last 10 years. Some things have gone super crunchy and will always be dumb–yes, you need to potty train your kid. Smh. So, trust your experience and knowledge of your kids. Don’t play into all this crap that preys on insecurity. There is way more of that nonsense now than there was when my son was little in 2009.
I understood that a baby would be a stress on the household (a happy stress, but still stress). I explained to my oldest that his room is his space. I put up some noise canceling stuff and allowed him to have a TV in his room (the TV is off after 9pm). I wanted to make sure he could get away from baby if he needed. I also explained that he will be the first kid his sister ever sees. He’s going to be the coolest guy ever in her eyes just because he’s the only one in the house like her. He can decide what kind of brother he wants to be. She’s going to like little kid things for a while. It would be nice if he could help ‘test her toys’ for safety and show her what to do sometimes. I also stressed that he would never be forced to do any child care but he would need to do some more things for himself (taught him how to make a few meals on his own, do his own laundry, clean up the bathroom, take out the trash). My kid was fine with it and excited to have a sibling. He was also old enough not to care about getting in the car first or fight over toys. He basically had a single child life for majority of his childhood. He wasn’t overly annoyed by baby needing most of the attention.
I stressed that we were family. The baby was going to be someone who he will always have a connection to. We’re going to build our family. We can choose what to build it with (I chose love and patience) and my kids have a decent relationship–she’s 5 going on 30 and he’s 16 going on 75 (oldest is ASD)…but they both love being around eachother (sometimes in doses) and it makes him feel good to be a protector/teacher. He actually likes being looked up to and always wanted a sibling so that probably helps a lot.
Just sharing my experience to make you feel better: I was an anxious and angsty kid, and little brother was born when I was 10. Getting him as my sibling was nothing but a huge blessing! I loved him so much and from a young age, became interested in and passionate about child development. We never fought because of our age gap (no competing resources lol), I just thought he was the cutest and he only looked up to me. We still have a great relationship to this day. Our 10 year age gap made our relationship unique, special, and honestly absent of strife. I feel really grateful to have a sibling relationship like this.
I was 11 when my younger sibling was born. I think it was a perfect gap, and I loved being able to help. My mom has said it was easier because she didn’t have two young kids at the same time. For the first 5-6 years we did still fight though, so you probably can’t avoid that unfortunately! Now I get to be the cool older sibling while she’s in high school and am able to be there to talk about things that are hard for teens to discuss with their mom.
I think it will be fine. My 2 youngest have a wide age gap and I had the older of them when I was about your age, and the younger of them when I was almost 46.
I guess how you handle it is just one day at a time!