I had my baby boy back in February and he is my MIL first grandchild.
Ever since day one she has pushed the boundaries, made inappropriate comments, told me how to parent and tried to take over. I genuinely feel she doesn’t trust me as a mum and wants to try and assert her authority. Anyway here is a list of things she has done and I’d be grateful to hear if I’m overreacting or if these things are overstepping the mark.
-I had a C-section and she was adamant she was to visit and also be the first to visit the hospital.
-I tried breastfeeding for a couple weeks but then had to swap to pumping and breastfeeding. My son was about a month old when we visited my husbands aunties for a walk. I had a bottle in the changing bag as I wasn’t overly comfortable with breastfeeding in-front of people yet. We headed out on our walk and MIL insisted she push the baby even though it was actually really nice for me to have the pram to lean on. As we headed back to the house she started to speed up as my son started to get fussy and wanted feeding. I heard my husbands auntie ask MIL if I was going to breastfeed or bottle feed but didn’t catch MIL response to that. By the time I had caught up as it was a big hill she had whipped my son from his pushchair, left the pushchair outside for us to deal with, grabbed the bottle and started feeding him without asking!! I was absolutely furious as she hadn’t checked with me what I wanted to do but allowed her to feed him anyway.
-whenever we go out for a walk with her she constantly has to push him, I’m never allowed to actually push my own baby in the pram. We were in town once and she was pushing him and needed to pop into a shop to buy some food. We had to stay outside because we had our dog but instead of her leaving the pram with us she walked off into the shop with him. The place we live is very small and everybody knows everybody so it sort of feels like she just wants to show him off which is why she always wants to push him etc.
– whenever we are round her I feel like I’m not allowed to be his mum and I just have to sit and accept the fact that he’s going to be handed round. My husbands auntie had him and he started to fuss and she said ‘oh I think he wants his mummy’ and mil stood up and infront of her and said ‘no my turn’ as if he’s some sort of toy.
-even when my son is led there content and happy she always comes and whisks him away and can never leave him
-constantly saying dada and nana (mama last) to him even though he’s 4 months old.
-whenever she’s had enough holding him she hands him off to my husband even if he’s busy (sat on his phone or having a drink) she will never ever pass him back to me.
-I feel that now I’m exclusively breastfeeding again it annoys her as he feed so frequently she has to had him back sometimes and you can see how annoyed she gets. He started crying the other day and she was rocking him to try and settle and then just as she says ‘oh I think he’s hungry’ and almost hands him to me she then pulls him back and goes ‘oh no I think he’s tired’
– she Google searched ‘hunger cues’ so she could tell me ‘did you know when he eats his hands that means he’s hungry’ so when I say he’s hungry and try to take him back she says ‘no he’s not he’s not doing x y z’
-she constantly tries to tell me I need to change his bed time or take him swimming more or go to more groups. Nothing I do is ever good enough
-the other day I was pushing the pram and she said ‘come here give me my (insert babies name)’ and took over
-she is so so desperate to be the one to put my son in his car seat it’s actually pretty disturbing. There have been times I’ve been putting him in and she has to help with the straps etc. she’ll rush to be the one to put him in. Im so funny about safety and being the one to strap him in as I know he’s safe then. She strapped him in once when he was a few weeks old and I never checked it as i convinced myself it was fine but when we stopped at the shop my son screamed and when I went to get him out he wasn’t secured properly!!
Anyway my husband understands some point but others he really struggles with.
He says he thinks it’s just her trying to be helpful however I just can’t see it. He said he thinks it’s her trying to give me a break when we go round there and that’s why she doesn’t let me hold him but I genuinely think it’s more than that.
Please tell me your opinions
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I’m botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
^(To be notified as soon as FlowerAdditional116 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe FlowerAdditional116 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
It doesn’t sound like you are over reacting. Those types of subtle things get really painful.
If he thinks she’s just trying to be helpful, tell him to watch what happens when you ask to hold your child. Then make a point of showing him.
Sometimes people really use our own politeness against us, trusting that we won’t make a fuss as they attempt to devalue us with our families. You don’t want your child to learn to see you as your MIL sees you. It is best to find ways of changing things early.
I am so angry for you! Give MIL one warning; she gets a one month time out every time she tries to take over. Tell your husband that he needs to control his mother and if he doesn’t you will take the baby and go live with your parents (if that’s a viable option) or alone with the baby. Tell him he can be a husband and father and support you as your child’s mother, or he can be mummy’s little boy, but he can’t be both. And as more comments come in on this thread, make him read them; his mother (and him) will not look good. Get out your inner mama bear. You will resent all of this behaviour and it will not only make you hate your MIL, it will destroy your marriage.
I do not think you are out of line, these behaviours would drive me nuts. Your MIL is acting entitled to your baby as if it’s her second chance. Start asserting boundaries. Like if she has your baby and you want him, just take him. He’s YOUR BABY. If she tries to tell you how to parent him, say “thank you for your advice Linda but I’m his mother and I’m perfectly capable of deciding how to raise my son.”
You can set limits on her time with him.
I know you want to keep the peace but never forget that this is your child. You carried him, you birthed him, and you can decide who sees him and under what circumstances; and if at any moment anyone makes you uncomfortable with the way they behave with your son, you don’t have to explain why you are taking him back or taking over the task. And honestly, who cares if they think you’re a bitch or whatever. Let them think it. This is your chance at motherhood and you earned it. Do it the way that you want and don’t let some overbearing MIL ruin this experience with her BS.
I also have to be reminded of this because I too have an inappropriate MIL- so solidarity, sis. I know it’s hard but we can’t let these boundary violating grandmas work out their emotional issues on us or our babies.
Your husband has his head up his butt. Flat out tell your husband what you don’t like MIL doing. Also, husband needs to tell MIL to stop doing what you don’t like. Husband statement “He says he thinks it’s just her trying to be helpful however I just can’t see it. He said he thinks it’s her trying to give me a break when we go round there and that’s why she doesn’t let me hold him” Husband, with his attitude, basically does not want to confront MIL. You will need to do it. MIL not letting you hold your own baby should be a serious issue with MIL. Do not let MIL hold baby. If MIL wants to hold baby, tell her NO – you will hold baby. Baby wear, if needed.
Basically, MIL has now taken over as the mother of your child and you have let her since you will not speak up. Also, and even more important, you have given MIL too much authority/power over your child. Take it back. Your MIL does not think much of you, ie, handing baby to your husband instead of you.
Example: MIL insist on putting your child in car seat. stop her/don‘t let her. Tell her you will put your child in the car seat.
When you start to establish boundaries with your child, MIL will go off the wall and have tantrums. Let MIL have them. Someone else’s emotions is not your responsibility.
If you don’t put a stop to MIL antics, MIL will continue to do whatever she wants. It appears your husband is going to be no help. You need to do it. If you don’t MIL will continue to ruin, I repeat, continue to ruin your new baby experience. Don’t let her.
Just wait until MIL “demands” to have alone time, and overnight time with your child.
Get MIL under control or you will be second to MIL with regard to your child.
Finally, you need to get husband to support you. His half-ass attitude about his mother should not be acceptable.
“doesn’t let you” is NOT “giving you a break”.
MIL is a bully, but you are being a complete pushover. Get some Big Girl Panties and use your voice.
You need to get your momma bear energy and reclaim your baby. You are the mother. You should be telling MiL how things are going to be, not the other way around.
Both you and MIL are acting like grandparent is a rank or a duty position and she’s above you in some imaginary chain-of-command. Grandparent is just a word that describes a relationship, a relationship which is to be defined by you.
“You are not LO’s mother, MIL. You are just LO’s grandmother. You raised your own child(ren) and now it is our time to raise ours. If you cannot respect that you will not see us again until you have learned to.”
Edit for grammar that just bugged me.
I don’t understand the, “let you.” It’s your baby. Take control. Stop worrying about if she will be angry. Take control. And tell SO to grow a back bone. He seems to be neutral only because he doesn’t want to upset his mommy.
Let him know shiny spines are sexy and weak momma’s boys are a turn off.
Stop being so nice and do what you know to be correct.
She wants to push. Grab the stroller and say no, “I’ve got it.” She gets upset, say you will talk again when she has emotions under control.
Whatever you “allow”, will continue. Speak up for yourself and your baby. “He is my baby. Give him back to me NOW.” “I am pushing the baby’s stroller or baby and I are not going on the walk.”
if u don’t correct her in the moment and say you ‘will be the one to do all feedings for the time being’ or you ‘want to push him in the stroller right now’ she will only grow bolder and do more and more
and out of spite i would breast feed him for at least the first year and if she bitches ask her why she has a problem with you providing him with the healthiest option especially when professionals recommend breastfeeding for up to 2 years even-since technically they don’t need to eat solids until they have teeth and the first 2 years can be milk only and has been that way for centuries
She nor being helpful. She’s being overbearing and disrespectful. But you have to tell her what she’s doing is not acceptable to you.
“When we get home, I will feed the baby. If you arrive before us, please leave her in the stroller.”
“Leave the baby outside with us, please.”
“Thanks, I’ll push the stroller now. Yes, I will.”
Or, you baby-wear so that she doesn’t get the opportunity to overstep.
From point 1, she’s out of line. But absolutely not are you overreacting. Stop letting her push you to the side. Assert yourself, and don’t allow her to take your stroller from you, or your child. She does it bc you dont push back. Your husband knows she’s not trying to be helpful but he doesn’t want to upset her. Make him say something to her.
But stop being a roadblock she can pass over, you are mom. Full stop.
You are actually under reacting. She’s doing these things because you are allowing it. Do not back off. If she does not hand you your child when you ask for him, look her in the eye and tell her give me my child. Do not allow her to push you off your task of strapping your child into the car seat. Do not allow her to remove the pram from your hands. Don’t wait for her to give the baby back to you when you sense he is tired or hungry, go get him. You’re his mother – don’t take her crap.
Speak up! Tell her NO! “Back up Grandma, I’m his mother, and I’ll be doing….” “Stop it MIL, hand me the baby, NOW.”
“How many times do I need to tell you that you aren’t this baby’s mother. If you want to continue seeing him, you will listen to me, HIS MOTHER.
No your child is her do-over baby. You have to start telling her no in the moment when she does anything you don’t like.
Yes I would be bothered by her behavior too, but the most important thing is your child. You are responsible for his safety. You are the one who knows his hunger cries.
Practice saying phrases in the mirror:
“No I’ll put him in the car seat. You’ve done it wrong in the past and that’s dangerous.”
“No thank you. I’m pushing my baby today.” “Leave him with me, please.” “He is hungry. Please give back my baby to me…NOW.”
Be calm but forceful. You are the boss, not her. And your husband needs to step up and support you. His attitude is unacceptable.
Time for you to stand up and get your power back! YOU ARE THE MOTHER, you don’t need permission to get your son back, you go ahead and get that stroller out of her hand, get your baby out of her hands, you don’t need permission, you have to show who is the boss, and it YOU AND NOT HER. I believe it’s something that almost all the ftm have to go through, but you have to do it, people do not respect, so you have to make yourself respected, put your b*** face and go get your baby lol
So stop letting her push you around? Stop seeing her if she can’t respect you
Eff that biotch
You’re being walked all over by an overbearing MIL, but you (and DH) are allowing it. Start learning to say “No.” You need to be direct and make it uncomfortable if you expect to ever be allowed to mother your child when MIL is around.
Yes, MIL might be excited to be a grandparent but she needs to practice asking the parents for permission. She’s not treating either of you like parents of adults. DH doesn’t care because he views it as weight off his shoulders when she is around. He also doesn’t mind because it’s his mother.
For DH, he needs some rules to follow. #1 being supporting his wife’s needs over his mother’s desires. #2 he needs to speak up and support you. “Hand back LO to OP, Mom.” “No, OP is going to push the stroller.”
Remember MIL is there to visit, not to parent.
You’re uncomfortable being a mum to your own baby around your MIL because, someone (her) that doesn’t respect your role is standing too close to it!
You are your babies mum, re empower yourself to take full ownership of that especially in front of her. Be affectionate with your baby, talk about how connected your special mum and baby relationship is, say my baby, my son.. “I’m going to push my baby, I’m just so in love with my son”. “My son wants his mummy to push him, he’s just obsessed with me”.
[removed]
You and your husband need to grow a nice shiny spine and take your son back. This is your child, not hers and you need to tell her that. Confrontation is hard but you have to set boundaries to stop this.
I have been reading your replies, and do you why people call mama bear? It’s because mama bears are tough, they are there to protect their babies, they don’t care what others are going to think about, they will go above and beyond for their babies!
It’s time to stop being so soft next to her, time to stop letting her “break you” to get what she wants. Let her bitch, let her stare, and yes I know how uncomfortable it is, been there, but keep it together and do not give up. Believe me if you don’t take your power back, when your baby grows he will respect grandma and not you, bc he will grow up watching you not having authority, do u want this for your life? So time to put a stop on her right now
You and your husband need to have a coming to Jesus moment. You are the mother to your son. She is not. She is hubby’s mother. If your hubby thinks she is being helpful, tell him MIL can feed HIM and change HIS diaper.
Meantime, he doesn’t need to agree with you when you tell him his mother is overstepping. He can interpret her actions as helpful or anything else he wants. But he needs to keep his mouth shut and BACK YOU UP!
You also need to look at your own culpability. You allow her to take over. I don’t need to repeat the great advice others have given you. What you need to do is read all that great advice, figure out what works for you and don’t back down.
Let MIL have her little tantrums. Ignore her. Baby wear. Stop seeing her. Who cares what “family “ will say. This is your baby. She is ruining your first year with baby. Do allow it to continue.
Ugh, it’s SO SO hard to stand up to pushy people, especially if they do it in a “helpful” way. A book that really helped me is “Toxic In-laws.” Your MIL knows exactly what she’s doing and knows you are sweet and kind and she can push the boundaries with you because of that. I absolutely hated that my MIL made me find my momma bear and inner bitch just to deal with her. I’m still angry, to be honest, because I’ve lived my life in a way that I never needed to be aggressive in the way she forced me to be. All that to say, as uncomfortable and out of character as it is for you, you don’t have a choice. It will get so much worse as your baby gets older. You have to start putting her back behind the line of grandparent/parent. You have to shut down her unsolicited advice. In the end you will be creating a healthier environment for your child, I promise you. If your DH can’t do it, then you must. (((Hugs))) You sound so nice and I am sorry about how she has treated you. She doesn’t know how good she has it with such a sweet DIL.
Yes to what everyone’s saying! I’m going through the same thing where my MIL “oversteps” thinking she’s being helpful and my husband says “oh she’s just being helpful, she’s raised 2 kids…” and that I’m the one who’s a little bit controlling or I need to chill on certain things…LIKE WHAT?!! Nope, I won’t change, I am my child’s mother and whether your hubby likes it or not, it’s YOUR right to parent YOUR child the way you want.
I’ve learned most sons will not go against their own mothers, so we’ve gotta fight this battle on our own for the sake of our babies. F**k what your MIL thinks!!! Don’t back down girl!!! Stand your ground!
You need to learn to say no. You also need to take your baby when you want him. She’s just going to keep doing all of the above if you don’t put a stop to it, only it’s going to get worse the older he gets. I wouldn’t worry about what she or your SO thinks. That’s your baby that you birthed. Take back control.
Do you live with her? If not my solution is to tell your husband that you aren’t visiting her until he is willing to stand up to her. It doesn’t matter if he “thinks she’s helping”. You feel pushed aside and your baby is being pulled from you.
She is incredibly SELFISH. She also doesn’t like you, or else why would she never pass your baby back to you? See. Her. Less.
I’m a grandma and she’s nuts I would never do anything like that, you need to learn the sentence NO I’ve got this shirt her down fast
No. Let them call you crazy, at least your son will call you mom.
Yes, OP, for me this would be the kind of behavior I would go to war over. Like, full on. Not in front of the baby, or other people if you can help it, but really – you can say “give me my baby, now.” without raising your voice at all, in a tone that suggests if MIL doesn’t comply she should fear for her life.
Channel your inner Uma Thurman, Milla Jovovich, and whoever else badass (scary) ladies you can think of, and also use your body to give her but one choice: comply. Walk up to her, stand in front of her, in a challenging way, like an affront. Watch some animal documentaries if you need inspiration.
Right now, it sounds like that’s what SHE is doing to YOU!
Overruling you, with simply her body language, and without raising her voice at all.
I swear, if anyone would have done this to me with my babies, I would have marched up and said “give me my child, now” without a minus 40 F death stare.
Just go to war, girl. This woman is completely and insufferably out of line. If you wait for your husband to grow a spine, you’re going to miss the baby years, so you’re on your own it seems. But you can do it! ❤️
I say this with all the love I can Grow A Freaking Spine! You Are The Mother, act like it ffs! Take your son out of her arms, elbow her away from the pram, say no and mean it… stop asking permission from her or anyone else. You are the authority here and you have to put on your big girl pants. USE YOUR VOICE
People treat you the way you allow them to. Put a stop to it. Stop giving her control of the situation. You said several times. ”I’m not allowed….” Allowed by who? It time you realize YOU are the fucking boss here. Grow a spine!!
You’re not speaking up for yourself so that’s why she keeps doing it.
.”I’ll push him thanks” .
“I’ll feed him thanks” and take baby and bottle back.
She knows she can get away with it because you won’t say anything
OP I know this a lot for you and your hormones are all over the place but you really need some firm boundaries now. Put them in place and stick to them, what is she going to do? Complain? Cry? WHO CARES. You will resent her forever for taking this time away from you. She will get over it or she won’t but OP you won’t. Set them in place now and inform your husband this is the new normal.
I say this with care and compassion cos I know you’re not getting a lot of either at the minute … right now you’re putting her wants and needs above not only your own but your babies as well. Your baby needs and wants his mum, these things like pushing the pram etc are milestones meant for you not her, and who in their right mind would even consider taking a baby away from their mum and leaving them waiting outside a store?!!!
I know it’s not easy to stand your ground but what you do now will dictate how the rest of your son’s milestones in life go … do you want to be in the background of his life watching on or the person he walks towards with his first steps?
No is a complete sentence, do not fill the awkward silence with reasons why or justifications, it’s not your awkwardness to fix it’s hers.
The first few times will feel so horrible but it gets easier and easier to stand your ground and stand up for yourself.
Good luck x
Good Lord! This MIL has gone round the bend. Not OR. You need to set and enforce boundaries with her. Speak up for yourself and stand your ground! Enlist your hubby to run interference. These are your milestones with LO, and your MIL has no place interfering.