For context: I’m the youngest. My mom and dad adopted my older brother when he was a newborn. 3 years later, they adopted me as a newborn. We are the only two kids (me 33F, my brother 36M). My entire childhood as far back as I remember, my mom always favored my brother. I would try to ask why/express my feelings and was constantly yelled at saying “that’s not true” “that’s ridiculous” etc. I gave up trying to make her see it in my late teens.
In my early 20s she married my now step father who at the time was a professor at a local university. He would invite his foreign students to come stay with us during holiday breaks or any time the campus was closed since they had no family nearby. One foreign student caught my mother’s heart and my mom literally took her under her wing. We’ll call her Sophie. After college, Sophie lived with us for a while. And Sophie leaned into this relationship 100%. My mom started referring to her as “my adoptive daughter” (WTF?). Honestly their dynamic hurt me so much at the time, I used to get really jealous and was mean to Sophie which made my mom hate me more and love Sophie more. (Mind you, Sophie has a mother and father and home back in her home country.)
Years later, Sophie needed to get married asap so she could stay in America. She found someone online who was the same nationality as her, and they got married. My mom hosted the wedding (it wasn’t huge, covid had just started a few months prior. There was probably 10 people. Years after that (to present day), Sophie and her husband have been trying to conceive and unfortunately have had some difficulty which makes me truly, sincerely sad. I wish that on nobody.
My husband and I got married 2.5 years ago, and when it comes to Sophie and my mom’s relationship, he immediately saw red flags all over. A little over a year ago, I got pregnant and my mom insisted on throwing a baby shower. We wanted something very intimate at home. She wanted a venue and ~75 people. When it came time to go over the guest list, Sophie was like the 2nd person she listed. We told her we don’t want Sophie there and her response was “that’s too bad because I already invited her” and “what’s your problem with her? Is it because she’s [insert nationality]?” WTF? My husband explained it’s the way she treats Sophie over me. It didn’t matter how he explained to her, she just flat out refused to understand or see our perspective and continue to blame us. We left the room (and she thought we left her house), and we overheard her telling my step dad “she must be jealous of my bond with Sophie over our inability to get pregnant.”
Y’all. I don’t even know what to say. I really don’t like my mom. She makes it obvious that she doesn’t love me. A month after I gave birth, she went halfway across the country to her winter house. Honestly that was fine with me but really? Your first grandkid and you chose to not be nearby? She’s been back home for 1 week and I expressed my concern about measles exposure since she traveled back home. (Her winter home is in a high stat measles state, and on the way home they stopped and stayed in hotels of 2 other states listed on the cdc). I said I prefer to wait 2 weeks since my infant doesn’t get measles vaccine until 12mo. She doesn’t care about my concerns, in fact the day after they got home said “we feel fine! Please come over. You know we were anxious to see the baby when we got home”. Measles can take 10-14 days to show up after exposure. She’s a nurse. She knows this. She’s an awful person. I’m making these rules to protect my baby and being treated like sh*t because it doesn’t fit her agenda.
I want to share another fact about my mom: ever since I can remember, she fills her time with broken people. She is constantly “helping” people. I really don’t know why? Sophie isn’t the first or only person who’s lived with us when I used to live with my mom. I don’t know if this behavior is related to anything but she thrives on people thinking she is an angel.
Does anyone think this is normal? Or am I right to be upset over the person my mother is?
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What does she bring to your life, seriously? I would NOT let her around my child with her cavalier attitude. She sounds like she’s got a savior complex.
Your feelings are valid. I completely understand, I’m the adopted younger daughter with a preferred older brother.