Am I overreacting if my mil has. spare key. She watches my son so she needs to have it. She came over the other day (we knew she was coming) while we were home and she uses her key to come in. No knock no nothing. Is this not incredibly invasive and weird? I can’t imagine just walking into someone’s house with a key even if they knew I was coming. I don’t even go in my own mother’s house with my spare key I always knock.
Comments
You’re not overreacting. Having a key is one thing, but using it to walk in without knocking or announcing herself is a huge boundary overstep. It’s your home, and you should be able to control who enters and how. Consider having a chat with her about respecting your space, or maybe rethinking the key situation.
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Not at all overreacting. I have a key to my parents house (from when I still lived at home!) and a key to my adult daughter’s home. I never use either key to enter their home when they are at home. I only ever use the keys with their permission, when they aren’t home which is why I have the keys. If they’re home, I knock and wait for them to let me in. Like a normal, respectful person.
Can you get a chain or a secondary type lock/ bolt that you can use when you are home?
You can say it’s for added security for you at night time, but just use it when you are home.
Then she’ll need to knock but will still have access when she needs it.
Not over reacting.
Get a wedge or blocking lock to use while you are home. Or get a keypad where you can program her code for certain times.
Best to find less intrusive childcare.
You’re not overreacting. She’s treating your house like it’s hers. Bare minimum is a knock. Having a key doesn’t mean boundaries disappear.
We always knock as well as a courtesy.
I don’t know if that situation alone makes her a JustNo, but I suspect that’s not the only problem.
Unless your LO is with her, she should announce herself before entering.
Maybe change things up.
QNo one not living in the house needs the key. She doesn’t need a key, your daughter does. Even if its kept in her to go bag or diaper bag, its daughters key then and MIL does not have one when she is not baby sitting.
“MIL, if we are home, you are expected to knock and let us answer the door just like any other guest. The key is only for when you are babysitting little one and we are not home.”
Not overreacting. The key was shared for a specific purpose – for specific, scheduled, planned circumstances and contingencies in which the homeowner is not present to open the door to a visitor. Not as a symbol or enabler of free access at-will. Would seem to be common sense to me, but there you go.
“MIL, the key is so you can babysit when we aren’t home. When we’re home or you’re coming by for some reason other than the planned babysitting, we’d appreciate if you would use the etiquette that you (presumably??) raised (husband’s name) with and knock.”
This doesn’t seem like a big deal to me. My parents and my in laws have our garage code so they can let themselves into our house. I always know they’re coming ahead of time and just know to expect them. If she has a key why wouldn’t she use it? As long as she’s not coming over unannounced I don’t see the issue
I have a key to my son’s house. If they are or may be home, I ring the doorbell and wait to be admitted (and only drop by unexpectedly if I’m dropping off something they left at my house). If I’m babysitting, I use the key. This is all just simple politeness. …but when my kids come to my house (where they grew up) they use their keys 🤣 if I told them to knock, I’m sure they would, but I’m happy not to be interrupted (because I’m usually cooking for them when they arrive).
It’s totally reasonable to feel uncomfortable. Even if she has a key and you know she’s coming, walking in without knocking feels invasive. It’s okay to ask her to always knock or call before entering, that respect is important, especially in your own home. Your feelings are valid.
Simple – tell her your rules. Expectations for her to have a key and access to your home. Such as knocking or ringing the bell first. Allowing time for you to answer the door and not just barge in.
Also, tell her consequences for abuse of the use of the key.
Then follow through. She abuses the use of the key, she gives it back.
If you’ve given her a key, you’ve given her unwavering in&out privileges. If that doesn’t sit well with you then please tell her your expectations & set the boundaries you need to
Tell her to knock when she visits. If she cannot remember that, tell her once more. After that, it is weird and rude. If you cannot confiscate the key, which she may already have made copies of, install a door chain and use it.
My MIL gently knocks but she’s been watching my kid regularly for years…I would expect her to use her key…maybe I’m a freak but I had to get over the “I might be changing or in the bathroom” thing when I started having her over regularly. I also have keys to her home.
I would verbalize if you want her to knock before coming in but I would phrase it somewhat gently, I wouldn’t treat this like an attack…save that for the other situations!
Just tell her to knock or ring the bell before she comes in, or she can give you a heads up via text. I mean it’s just regular courtesy.
Have you communicated your preference to her?
There are doorknobs with codes that you can allow access and can turn it back off later. So she’d only be able to enter your home while she’s babysitting. It might also help for your husband to address this, that she needs to knock before letting herself in. It’s a decent courtesy.
I think this is just a point for communication. She might not know your preferences. We have two dogs and two kids so we prefer people to just come in instead of knocking so they don’t stir the dogs up. But that’s our preference. If she continues to do it after the conversation I would be annoyed.
Just say it startles you to enter without knocking and that you would appreciate it if she would lnock from now on. If she doesn’t respect the extremely reasonable request, it’s on your spouse to go deal with it.
I had the same happen and my husband spoke with his parents. We had bought a new house after leaving in my in laws apartment (paying rent as any tenants). They had the habit of using their spare keys on that apartment and since I was invited by my then boyfriend to live with him at their apartment, I did not say anything at the time.
When we bought our house, we gave them a spare key for emergencies. And they started using the emergency key to let themselves in. After it happened a couple of times, I explained to my husband the reason why I never complained in the apartment and the reason why I would like it to stop at our house. He spoke with his parents and they have since found the bell.
I would not speak to in laws about it myself as I think it’s my husbands role to manage the relationship with his parents (as long as it’s working).
There was a post here a few years back about how one family dealt with this. MIL had been told repeatedly to knock, but she kept letting herself in with her key. For the final showdown: the next time she did it, the whole family ran outside, shouting and yelling “AAAAGH – CALL 911!!”, kids fake-crying and falling down, etc.
The baffled MIL asked what was going on, and everyone just stopped dead, and one said “Something terrible must have happened! You know you’re only supposed to use the key in an EMERGENCY!”
It was hilarious, and as far as I can remember, it actually worked.
It’s all about what works for you and your family. Si.ply decide what is comfortable for your home and set those expectations.
Everyone runs their household differently. For my house, my young adult kids have keys, and if they knock to be let in, I explain they have a key so I dont have to come to the door to open it for them. If I were visiting their houses/apartments, I let them know I’m on the way and they usually meet me at the car to help carry whatever I’m bringing to them. I wouldn’t walk in even if they didn’t meet me. It’s all about what works for you and your family.
You’re not overreacting. Walking into someone’s home uninvited, even with a key, can feel invasive. It’s reasonable to expect a knock or some warning, especially if you’re home. Maybe talk to your husband about how you’re feeling and see if you can find a compromise for his mom’s visits.