Hi. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years, and I truly love this man. I want it to last as long as possible. We’ve done seperate counselling on and off, to do the self work necessary to love ourselves and each other. We spend 2-3 weekends together per month. We go on dates regularly, and have calls daily to check in. Our communication has improved greatly over time, so we feel comfortable talking about issues – even if it’s a difficult conversation.
I’ve had this deep fear develop over time that I might lose him. It’s like, things are so good, my anxiety says something is gonna happen. I want to make sure I’m covering all my bases. So, ladies, what advice do you have for me on how to maintain a relationship long-term?
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Been together for over 10, married 7. What’s worked for us is to never stop communicating and connecting. We always have weekly date nights. We have a lot of fun doing mundane things like laundry, cooking, cleaning while joking around with each other. I think it’s really important to enjoy each other’s company doing your own things or doing chores because life is not always glamorous. You need someone who really enjoys being around you and vice versa. He’s seen me at my most craziest and vulnerable behaviors and still loves and accepts me.
I think we’ve just always made our relationship (now marriage) our #1 priority. Not that other things haven’t come up or needed temporary attention. But, when push comes to shove, we always come first for each other. Above other family members, above work or friendships. Our relationships needs have always come first.
We’ve also just never stopped having fun with each other. They say laughter is healing and it is also relationship glue. If we haven’t laughed together in a while or just been awkward or vulnerable-we make intention to do so and I can always tell a difference the next day. Life seems lighter.
It sounds like you’re doing everything you can do. JMO but I think the most important thing in making a longterm relationship or marriage work is having shared priorities and goals. In other words, a shared plan for an ideal future together that you both want to make happen. When one person is unsure, it causes problems.
Couples go through varying levels of life adversities. Best thing my husband and I have done is buckled down when shit is stressful. The “This too shall pass” mindset. At various point in our relationship, we haven’t felt as connected but we always find our way back to one another. We are committed to one another and our family and each time I am glad I stuck it out and we came out stronger.
IMO, the most important thing is having a baseline of compatibility. We feel similarly about lifestyle and finances, have similar senses of humor, general outlook on life, and what we wanted for our future. Basically, our general life philosophies don’t clash and we get along well as just two people who coexist.
Once that’s established, it’s pretty easy to maintain and cultivate a deep bond and fulfilling relationship. Taking care of the person you love becomes a natural thing to do.
Of course there will be ruts and friction because you are still two different individuals. But as long as that baseline compatibility remains and both people make each other’s happiness a priority, that bond will continue to deepen and grow over the years.
There’s no one thing, but something I think that often gets missed is making sure the other person doesn’t become the centrepiece of your own life, particularly to the extent that you look to them to be the answer to all life’s problems and uncertainties (and vice versa). Your life partner should be your top priority, but not 24/7, and they definitely shouldn’t be your sole priority.
The strongest and most enduring relationships are, I think, a product of two people who already live full lives of their own coming together. To that end, you’re not looking for the other person to fill some deep existential chasm in your own life – they can and certainly do help, but you’re (each) ultimately responsible for your own inner life. IMO, what your partner should add to your life is the genuine pleasure of their company and somebody with whom to share the joys and sorrows of ~human existence~, to (ideally, as the saying goes) double the former and halve the latter.
So, my best advice for making a relationship last is not losing yourself in it – something that can be tremendously difficult to avoid, I find, as relationships go for longer.
14 years here.. you BOTH need to never stop dating each other. Never take each other for granted or stop doing those little things that show you care. You need to always show respect, empathy and have healthy communication. You need to continue to laugh and be playful together. You need to both make time for each other daily. You need to maintain physical and sexual intimacy no different than the beginning.