Or did it just happen for you? Did you meet someone when you finally got everything “going right” or the best it could be?
I feel like I’m CONSTANTLY putting in effort to be more in shape and healthier, having a better career, being a better friend, a better person with the hopes the right person will come along. I obviously want to do those things for myself. But I genuinely want to have children and sooner rather than later.
I’m about to go to law school soon, losing hope, and considering freezing my eggs.
edit: I live in a large city and I am on dating apps.
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I find it very difficult. And the more successful, the harder it will be to find someone. Not necessarily because you’re picky, but because many men aren’t comfortable with a partner more successful than them. So even if you’re okay, he won’t be okay.
It felt like luck that I found someone who has been an incredible partner through the highs and lows. I was putting work in on myself before I met him – I was in pretty good shape, I felt confident, I had a great career, and I had already bought my own house. I felt like I was crushing it in every area except love and I started the process for freezing my eggs – met my husband between my first appointment and getting my fertility results. Didn’t end up needing to follow through with that. 😬
I don’t think you will regret the peace of mind of freezing your eggs! Do it! Live your life and hopefully you find a partner worth sharing it.
I’m single but I’m grieving the life I wanted. Part of the process is realizing it doesn’t matter how “good” I am- go to therapy, have a job I love, have friends and a community, hace hobbies and passions, etc. it doesn’t guarantee I’ll find a partner or have kids.
it’s luck and timing. putting in effort to be your best self does help a lot, but at the end of the day, it all comes down to the chaos of the universe with fate, luck, and timing.
Different perspective here. I’ve been mostly single since my late 20s and this year I finally just decided to permanently remove myself from the dating pool (in my early 40s now). Didn’t matter if I put effort in, didn’t put effort in, or anywhere in between, it never happened for me after I got divorced. I have a whole string of almosts over the past 14 years and have no interest in accruing any more.
If having kids is something you really want, have a backup plan if the “right” partner doesn’t come alone. Whether that’s a sperm donor, adopting, fostering, etc. If it’s something you need to feel fulfilled, then figure out if it’s something you’re willing and able to do solo. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for someone else to come along.
It just sort of happened. A mix of effort, timing, and luck. I actually found dating easier in my 30s than in my 20s, because I knew what I wanted. Most men I dated at that age were also looking to settle down and were much , uh, better quality partners than guys in my 20s. That said, I wasn’t singularly focused on marriage. If I found the right partner, perfect. If I didn’t, I was content to stay single. Edit: FWIW, I live in a big city. There was no shortage of potentially great partners. I imagine it’s tougher in smaller towns.
I feel like I met my partner when I was just in my own groove and not looking, but when he caught my eye I went all in and pursued him for sure.
Owned a home at the time, going to school, working. Did not run into the issue of him being ‘intimidated’ by my status in life.
It’s all just circumstances and environment in my opinion. I met him when I went back to school. Previous long term partner I met at work.
I feel like I accepted good enough and made peace with that. I have a great life and my partner makes my dreams come true. It hasn’t always been easy and it isn’t the easy, perfect, you know when you know relationship that is described on Reddit, but I made peace with that. I wanted to have a kid and feel safe in a partnership and made this work.
It was cliche, but I stopped wanting a partner and just enjoyed meeting people with common interests. My friend set me up with a wonderful guy, but I ended it because I wanted something different. Then I just joined the Bumble dating app to pass the time. My humour is morbid so I wrote down under a writing prompt that “I’m looking for a partner to bury a body with.” I wasn’t serious in looking for someone and I just put down things that might scare men away. Ironically, my current bf found it so charming that he matched and pursued me till I agreed to meet up with him.
If the guy likes you, he will be the one who messages you every day, even when they are “busy.”
I am happy with my boyfriend now, but I recently found out that a guy friend, who is a literal dream, confessed that he had always held a flame for me, but we lived in different countries. It would have never worked out.
I am no beauty queen. Not even an “average” pretty girl in the media. What all the guys have said is that they love my personality.
The before: getting your head together, financial stability, healthy habits, your favorite wardrobe, personal growth, feeling good about yourself = lots of effort.
The after: communication, staying connected, planning quality time, family relations, problem solving, intimacy, awareness, emotional availability = lots of effort.
The moment in the middle where you actually meet the person = luck.
Ok so this is going off piste a little but the biggest realisation for me personally, was that I have always been living for someone else. For my family, for my husband (when I find him), for my children (when I have them). Then one day, I had a terrible accident and nearly died. That was when I started living for myself.
In life, we are always obsessed with chasing goals, people, societal expectations. And if those align with your true personal goals, great. But if you start living for yourself, I’ve found I just have more fun. I’m less desperate, and suddenly – people stop me in the street, they come up to me at cafes, dogs come to me in the park. It’s weird, but making the effort to meet me where I am was the best thing I’ve done. The rest comes from there.
I know I’m in the minority here, but I met my now husband when we were both in high school. We didn’t start dating until our mid-twenties. We both moved to different states, had serious relationships, lived full lives, but stayed good friends through that time. He was my best friend for many years before we dated. He used to call me for dating advice actually haha (and I gave him good advice, I wanted him to be happy!)
We had a long friendship built on really deep respect for each other – and the care and respect we had for the other person taught us how to overcome our communication problems, so by the time we started dating we had already sorted out how to work through basic conflict together. There were a lot of times in our friendship when things got awkward, or uncomfortable, or hard, and one or both of us could have chosen to walk away from the other. But he meant so much to me, and I to him, that at every occasion that happened we gave the other person the benefit of the doubt and worked it out. That was the reason we ended up in what’s been a great marriage. We put the work into building a really strong relationship over time.
I’m not saying the answer is to get lucky by finding the right person for you in high school. What I am saying is good relationships don’t just happen. They’re built, day by day, and it takes time and courage and two people both willing to put the work in. The right person isnt going to fall into your lap – the right person is going to be the one who keeps showing up and putting the work in to building something great with you. So keep investing in yourself, but also keep investing in your friendships. Pay attention to who keeps showing up – who behaves like their relationship with you is worth overcoming the rockiness that all relationships (platonic or otherwise) entail? Those are the people you want to date.
If it was that easy, wouldn’t anyone who wanted to be partnered, be partnered already? Or, alternatively, dating would just be automated – put all your “stats” into the dating algorithm, and it just matches you up to your perfect person. But we all know that compatibility is not just a box-ticking exercise. It’s not like an RPG where once you max out your stats and skill tree, you can do and have everything you want. Because someone can have a million PhD, genius intellect, best humor, or whatever and you might still not be attracted to them. Attraction is, essentially, an aspect of human dating that isn’t able to be quantified yet.
I think you’re taking the wrong approach. Firstly, you don’t need to be your best self to be worthy of love. Secondly, you’re putting a lot of effort into improving yourself while just hoping a man comes along. That does make sense.
I was divorced at 32. I spent an intensive two years using the dating apps: conversations with 3000+ men, in-person meetings with 24 of them. Dating anywhere from just a first date to three months to see how things worked out.
It was a lot of work, but it paid off. I met basically my perfect man physically and intellectually. We lived two hours away from each other, so we would never have met had I not used the apps.
I never met single men just living my normal life. Very few people are single over 30. Even fewer have any form of compatibility with you. The numbers are not good. You have to actually work at meeting someone.
It felt like a lot of work and then some occasional heartbreak. Every time I thought I met a great guy, he turned out to be terrible. As an example, I had moved in with one boyfriend and, a week after we moved in, he slept with his ex wife on Valentine’s Day. He then left me to go back to his ex wife immediately. I didn’t see it coming at all. No hint. No sign of it. I never thought I would love again after that. I started to become jaded and I often wanted to throw in the towel.
Fast forward to COVID, everything is mostly shut down. It was difficult to meet people or go out on dates. Then, one day I’m at the dog park and I see this smoking hot guy. Like mind blowing hot. And he kept looking at me! I couldn’t believe that this hot guy was checking ME out! I decided that I would only try to talk to him if he came my way at the park. He slowly kept making his way over and then IT happened. Our dogs started to play when my girl dog turned around and humped his dog. I looked at him dead in the eye and said, “I think my dog just humped your dog’s face.” He made a little quip in return and we started talking like we had always known one another. We’re now married and happier than ever.
The difference between my husband and all the other men I dated — everything was easy, unfolded naturally, and I never once felt insecure or questioned anything. He makes me feel like I’m the most beautiful woman in the room. He’s legit my best friend so we tease and mess with one another constantly. We have also definitely fought (we’re both type A in some ways) but we sorted our communication because we love one another. I was 41 when we met. In retrospect, I’m glad I met him later in life because I’m wiser.
Don’t lose hope.
Yes, but not in self improvement. I spent a lot of time going on dates trying to find my needle in the haystack.
I feel like finding my partner didn’t really require me to be my best self. Like I’d gotten rid of some bad habits from my mid 20s of being passive aggressive and dating anyone who showed a lick of interest (and then pining after them when they changed their mind). My anxiety was mostly stabilized.
I was very steadfast with what I wanted. But I wasn’t my most fit. I was burnt out at work. I was using dating as an escape in a new city where I knew no one and had no friends.
It was just saying no to a lot of people I would have said yes to in the past, and eventually saying yes to the one who made me laugh, seemed gentle, and matched my values. Also mutual effort! He put in effort to talk and spend time together, though he’s never been the most creative for dates lol. I didn’t have to wonder if he was interested, as he was very clearly interested.
My biggest issue was my low self worth, so once I dealt with that it was easier to find the right fit for me vs just trying to catch a fish if that makes sense.
It was effort though – dating was my main hobby for quite a few years on and off. It got easier when I got better at filtering for what I needed.
I froze my eggs at 32, and I have never regretted it (I’m nearly 36 now, no kids yet and not stressed about being an older mum). I had to put a lot of effort in to get the life I have, but I believe that’s normal. For context – I was with the same man for 9 years in my 20s and that was “easy” comparatively in terms of effort as there was nothing innately wrong with him, but fuck me I was not happy. Everyone thought I was mad for leaving him, and most of my friends married a version of him, but I absolutely don’t envy any of their lives now and am very happy in my own life!
The older I get the more I realise that life isn’t necessarily supposed to be easy, and you’re not always going to be thriving in every way (relationships, friends, family, health, career.. etc) I have thought alot about the fig tree in The Bell Jar when the world has made me feel as if I’m “doing life wrong”. No one has it all, and you aren’t supposed to. Understanding what truly makes you happy (harder than it sounds) is important. I actively worked on myself to understand what happy looks like for me and learning how I get there has been very beneficial. I’ve been through some immense grief, freakishly losing three people very close to me all within 8 months in 2022, and let me tell you there is nothing like grief to put life and happiness into perspective!
To answer your question – once I did the above and was truly happy on my own, I put effort into dating and met my now partner on Bumble. We’re getting married on Sept 4th. BUT I believe none of this would’ve been good for me if I hadn’t been happy in myself.
All the best!
It happened for me, just when I didn’t think it wouldn’t. At 35 we met at the gym. We are now engaged to be married next year. Stay hopeful♥️
I had to do a lot of healing, re-find myself, and improve my prejudice against men before I was able to meet someone. I think the biggest difference was that when I chose to start dating again this last time, I was seeking a genuine connection with someone – instead of just looking for someone to fill a role. I joined Hinge, met one man two weeks later, and five months after that we got engaged and bought our first home together. Our wedding is scheduled for June 2026 🥰
I put a lot of effort in myself for myself, not to be the ideal partner. I have a lot of healing to do—I have C-PTSD from growing up in an abusive family—that will always be ongoing, but I did a lot of intensive work in therapy and on my own in my early 30s. That work also included taking care of myself physically, building strong friendships and community, being financially stable, etc.
As for finding a long-term partner, I put a lot of work into reflecting on what I really wanted in a relationship and in a partner. Because I didn’t have good relationship role models, I read a lot about love (eg. bell hooks’ All About Love). I realized rather than a checklist, I want a partner who shares my values and I summed those up to a list of 5 things.
Then when I started going on dates, I really focused on how I felt during and after dates, not what they thought of me. I journal, so I took notes after each date. I met my now fiance after 2 weeks of being on dating apps back in 2022. We took things slow (not with sex but with relationship milestones like saying I love you, defining the relationship, etc.), but I noted after each date that he made me feel happy and not anxious. Being with him felt effortless, and still does.
People who say “just put yourself out there” are completely obviously to the fact that it’s random.
You could be taking care of yourself, a successful career woman, in excellent shape, putting yourself out there socially, and having a huge community, but there is zero guarantee that you would ever meet someone.
I’ve grown bitter over the years. Also, I watched my dad have little to none parental involvement so I’m extremely discouraged to have children.
It comes down to timing, prayer and luck. And especially in these “interesting times” we are living in apparently being young, impressionable and submissive matters more than looks, a successful career and money. Men nowadays want someone to control and they’re voicing these opinions more than ever due to our political and social climate.
I even notice more older women over 30 are settling and choosing to be more “ understanding “ which is a translation for submissive just to have a partner and not be alone.
There’s a lot of luck, but:
When I stopped trying so hard to be good enough (due to burnout), I relaxed and started enjoying who I was instead of punishing myself for being inadequate. Almost immediately the right person came into my life in my early 30’s and loved me just as I was, imperfect mess and all.
You are the shape you are, the health you are, and in the career you are in. Yes, we can always be better, but waiting to get better is the definition of a moving target.
The only way I know to do this in practice is to notice, then let go of the judgmental thoughts when they enter your mind. Actively seek out things that make you happy, not perfect. You’ll find someone while you’re happy because you will shine and that’s what humans can connect with – not someone pursuing perfection.
I’d say I wasn’t intentionally looking when I found my husband, I was just checking out the online dating scene to see if it has improved and just wanted to meet men to see if they are still the same old + I was moving abroad for work (just waiting on regulations to settle) so clearly not intending for anything serious. I was not using apps for a little over a year then. Matched my husband (other men too but I quickly filtered out they were lying about their intentions/identities and unmatched then). Husband barely chatted with me besides to set up a meeting time, and first date surprisingly went so well. I think it comes when you are not seeking, open to meet the not so usual people (those that don’t chat in my case) and have already focused on yourself a large part (I lost 8kg and fully focused on healing myself for over a year prior to meeting my husband) – which was what happened to me.
Hi. I’m just here to say that you’re good enough. And you’re certainly good enough to have a partner and family. If you pay attention you’ll note that many complete loser have those things. Your body is good enough, your career is good enough, you’re a good enough friend and person.
You don’t always have to put in more and more effort. There’s no perfect version of you that you can get to with enough work. It’s okay to put some of that energy into enjoying what you have instead. Trying to be perfect is just a way for other people to control us (buy this, do this, don’t expect more).
I found my person when i wasn’t thinking about dating. I had been living alone for a couple years and was mostly trying to work on my hobbies and career.
I met my partner because we were in some local facebook groups together in 2020, and when the stimulus check came out I still had my job so I decided to spend it on an art commission from her. (We had seen each other at in person events too, but never talked before this.) I started messaging her with my commission ideas and we became friends and then became attracted to each other. She moved in with me in 2023 and everything is going great so far.
I wasn’t single until I was almost 31. It was the best time of my life. I had a blast dating around just learning about myself for about a year and a half. I just wanted to have some fun for a while, which I did until I felt ready to find something more meaningful. I was starting therapy and just meeting people on the apps for fun. I met my fiance right before the pandemic and am very happy with him.
I don’t think it’s a bad idea to freeze your eggs if you can afford it. I have a couple of friends who did and even one who had a baby via a donor. One of the friends that froze her eggs met her current boyfriend about two years ago and she turned 40 earlier this year.
While living in NYC, yes. After moving to Philly, much easier! Could just be luck/timing and less about the place, but I feel like in a smaller city (where you are more likely to run into the person you went on a date with), people act a bit better in the dating world.
Humongous effort to meet the right person. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 39. Got married at 42.
Yes but not the way you’re describing. I needed some years off relationships entirely to work on my mental health and self esteem. Developing my career was part of that, but that was for me, not a man.
The other effort was maintaining the willingness to be single while I dated so that I was not tempted to settle. That was the hardest for me.
Found my love at 39.
Because I grew up in a series environment I didn’t have a first date until I was 27 and then move to nyc. My dating life took off and I was have dates all over the place. I found my partner of nearly 4 years at 37. It happens. don’t settle.