Basically I’ve(29 M) been dating this girl(33F) almost a year, when we originally met it was about two years before that. We met playing volleyball and I started flirting and she basically told me she just found out she was pregnant by accident so I said we can be friends. Fast forward to early last summer she asked to go to brunch and we got to tipsy and made out after and we went out like 2-3 more times that week.
She has an ex that I knew they were in toxic relationship that she had the kid with which the kid is now 2. She also has an 11year old with someone else that was also an accident shortly after high school. My last relationship was toxic in that I got addicted to heroin and basically slowly chose drugs over my ex more, so I thought I could understand her trauma.
We started counseling about month and half ago bc she has so much trauma that comes out and projects on to me from her past relationship. She also had broken family with 6 siblings and her dad would do drugs and have other girlfriends and hit her mom so she basically was raised by herself.
Fast forward this past weekend she got black out drunk and yelled at me and embarrassed me on a boat with our friends but we started counseling bc the last time she got drunk she told me horrible things like I’m a piece of shit and don’t love her and maybe she will hit up her ex. Basically I finally mentioned last night like why didn’t you apologize for the way you treated me, we had boundaries in place to stop this from happening which we set up with therapist but once she gets drunk she just doesn’t care.
As I call her out for how she treated me again over the weekend she tells me you don’t know how I feel or what I’ve been through. Leading me to tell her I thought about doing heroin bc she treated me this way again and I felt backstabbed by her not caring enough to drink less or be more careful( I was never going to actually do it bc I’ve built a life for myself now and would be screwing myself over). SHE THEN TELLS ME I DONT KNOW WHAT SHES BEEN THROUGH OR THAT HER EX PISTOL WHIPPED HER AND PUT A GUN IN HER MOUTH AND YELLED AT HER TO PULL THE TRIGGER. Previously she has told me details like he would cheat on her, or he would visit her out of town and tell her to get tested for STDs and be a piece of shit. I am just devastated to know this mostly sweet girl I’m now in love with has had this happen.
I guess I’m hoping for women with really bad experiences like this to tell me how to be there to support her and that it gets better. Or help me figure out how to process this. We don’t see therapist again until next Thursday.
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You’re showing great care by sticking with her and going to therapy. Trauma takes time to healbe patient, set boundaries, and take care of yourself too. Keep communicating and supporting each other.
That’s really tough, and it’s clear you care a lot. Trauma like hers runs deep and can cause unpredictable behavior, especially around alcohol. Keep supporting her, but also protect your own mental health. Therapy is key for both of you. Be patient, set boundaries, and communicate openly. It gets better with time and help. Stay strong.
That’s huge victory, and it means your emotional stability is not something to gamble. This relationship cannot come at the cost of your mental or physical safety. You deserve just as much compassion and help as she does.
I have some traumatic experiences from childhood and with an ex as well. Sometimes I have PTSD symptoms and have struggled with impulse control to some degree with drinking, mostly when I was younger. Sharing details with people isn’t always a good thing, because they need time to process what happened and often I hadn’t processed it myself.
However, I didn’t berate and demean people or use my trauma to justify that behavior. You’re in a bad situation here where your girlfriend certainly needs some help and grace, but she’s currently pitting her misfortunes against yours.
The way she brought up these traumatic details sounds genuine. Like she is breaking down to a degree and this is why. On the other hand, she’s breaking down because you’re trying to address how she mistreats you. It’s manipulative and not the actions of a loving partner.
Please rethink whether you are in this relationship to be loved or to rescue someone else. These details are devastating, but you’re still not getting any acknowledgement about her verbally abusive tirades or assurance that she won’t do it again. That’s the actual issue here. You both have traumatic experiences that you’re working through. Hers do not take precedent or allow her to use you as a punching bag to float her ego.
I hope you get more replies here because I am sure some lived experiences can be support for you right now.
There are also crisis lines and the domestic abuse hotline that you could call/text with in-between therapist appointments to get tips on how to cope with her drunk behavior/trauma to care for yourself, and also tips on how best to support her (if you choose to, you are not obligated to help someone who is hurting you. She can’t heal by hurting you)
In America here is the national domestic abuse hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/ You’ll get to chat with a trained volunteer, they can support you, brain storm with you, etc.
Wanted to add Al Anon as a resource for you as well.
For loved ones of someone with disordered drinking
https://www.reddit.com/r/AlAnon/ Kinda like AA style but for those impacted by someone else’s drinking.
I’m sorry but all the horrible stuff she’s doing to you isn’t because of her trauma. It’s because she isn’t a nice person. It’s a separate part of her personality that will never change.
Being in a terrible, abusive relationship doesn’t absolve you of your behaviour. From what you described, they were probably both awful to eachother and it escalated.
This person is making you mull over HEROIN my dude. Fucking hell what are you doing my man?
Oh honey you deserve better. I have trauma from childhood. I have 3 sisters. The two older ones were sexually abused. We were all physically , emotionally and verbally abused. I grew up watching my dad beat on my mom. They fought all the time. I was removed from the home at age 8 and placed in foster care.
I am now 49 and I never berated or treated my partner the way she is treating you. She is abusive to you and you need to move on ,
Run Forest, Run.
She has a life time history of really bad choices and is continuing to make them. Run, she will drag you down.
I don’t intend to be mean, but white knighting and playing captain save a hoe is just going to end badly for you.
Get more help on both ends if you want to be close. That’s a lot to navigate. Relationships go worse when people are too close or too overwhelmed etc. consider ending it kindly. Weekly couples counseling is not necessarily enough. I’d at least suggest both people in individual counseling as well. Even if you feel like it’s mostly her baggage, you will probably need more support if you are going to be with her and hope it goes well.
Has this situation changed your behavior at all? Have you been drinking too much? Doing drugs? Do you have your own place, or do you live together?
Bruh, do you not have any other options, this has been red flags from the start and anything that happens to you moving forward is your fault.
As the traumatized girlfriend who dumped a lot of shit on her boyfriend, you dont deserve to be treated this way.
I was lucky enough that seeking medical treatment for my problems stabilized me enough to make our relationship healthy. Sometimes that isnt always the case, and it isnt anyones fault.
It seems that youve tried counseling, talking, and you are still struggling a lot OP. I dont know the every day dynamic in your relationship, but if you can talk about your feelings with her, you should.
She has gone through a lot of pain.
It does not give her any excuse to cause you pain.
You care about her and it shows, but I can see how this just leaves you spinning. Like, how do you even react to something like that when you’re already trying to hold your own balance? Just heavy all around.
She has had trauma. She is also toxic and gets drunk and abuses you. Just walk away and ghost her. You have issues of your own, you don’t need to also nail yourself on a cross.
For your own sanity. Leave. You don’t want nor need to deal with that toxic person. You will thank yourself later when you have peace in your life.
I love that you clearly a caring person. But you also need to leave her. How she is treating you is abusive. Just because someone has trauma in the past, it does not make it ok for them to abuse other people. You can be understanding and supportive, but the only way this goes is that you end up wasting your time and being hurt by a toxic relationship.
You can still care and support her as a friend. But you are NTA for leaving an abusive situation.
My last comment: you think you can change her. You can’t. Never go into a relationship with someone thinking that you will be the white knight who changes them. Only get into a relationship for who they currently are. People don’t change for other people. They change because they WANT to. She doesn’t want to change – she’s showing you this by blaming her trauma.