Possible epiphany I’m sharing in case it helps others.
I’m 36 and recently discarded by my now ex after many years together. I’ve been really low as I’ve felt so unhappy about being alone and without a family of my own at this age. Very recently I discovered I’m likely now infertile too as a result of a complication with my IUD. It’s been a lot of loss at once.
Unhelpfully, my ex ran into me while he was on a date, which got me feeling more behind and sad than before, with me imagining he’s found his person to build a life with – the life I imagined we were building together.
The issue about having kids has been causing me so much grief. I was reading some posts on here when I came across someone who has kids, who said they would have been happy with and without children. This got me thinking: if you can be happy with or without, you can also be unhappy with and unhappy without? Perhaps I only think I’m unhappy without because I don’t have a partner and kid, but if I were to be a spouse and parent, perhaps I’d be unhappy!
Somehow this has been a liberating thought. I’m sharing as there are a lot of us here grappling with not having the relationship/family we thought we would by now and I know it’s the cause of a lot of sorrow. If you can be happy with and without, perhaps you can be unhappy with and without. This has helped me realise maybe my unhappiness isn’t to do with a lack of something life tells me I need to be fulfilled and happy, and has got me thinking about imagining a more daring life for myself so I can feel like I’d be happy with and without a partner, children etc. Maybe it’s not that profound. But somehow the thought of being unhappy with or without feels freeing, like I’m liberated from a narrative I’ve been believing – that my lack of partner and children is what’s making me unhappy. Perhaps neither would bring happiness – somehow I’ve found that’s freeing.
If this is helpful – cool! If not, thank you for reading my ramblings 😌
Comments
I didn’t get married until I was in my 40s. I used to put so much weight on it, like my life couldn’t fully start until it happened. Now I see that it’s not as big of a deal as I thought it was. Some people are married, some aren’t. There are downsides to being married too. There are a lot of unhappy married people. A lot. Your epiphany is a good one.
It’s a good realization to have. The most important thing anyone can do is sit with themselves for a while and really listen to what they themselves want. It’s irrelevant what other people have. All that matters is the life you want for yourself and you’ll never know if you’re operating from the mindset of socially acceptable milestones and expectations.
100%. I know plenty of people with children who are miserable and people without partners/children who are thriving (and of course the reverse). Nothing is a guarantee of happiness. Rather, I think when our reality does not meet our expectations…that’s when regret, discontent, etc. can set in.
I was on the fence for a long time about having kids of my own. Then I met and married my husband and while we were happy just the two of us, I knew he really wanted to be a dad. So I had a baby and you know what? It’s great. Really rolled the dice with that one. But I definitely think I could have been happy either way. Sure, I might wonder what I was missing by not having kids, but there are always what ifs. Both paths can be completely full and satisfying.
That’s how I see it, too! 39F, had to ask my long-term partner for a separation in July last year after 9 years together. He was a liar and cheater and master manipulator, as it turns out. It’s not very likely that I will find a new partner and have my own children with them so it’s been a lot to grief – the future we had planned, the past I thought we had, and the future I wanted for myself. But the thing is – I am actually happily single now. I am not unhappier than I was with him, at least not the last years of the relationship. I treat myself way better. I can sleep in. I can read books, I can eat what I want, do my hobbies and actually have the mental capacity to be a good auntie to my three nieces. Not sure how well I would fare with kids in the mix tbh. I’m all about taking care of ME right now. And I’m enjoying the heck out of the good that I do have. And for me that’s my personal freedom and self-care.
This is actually a topic that has quite robust research literature. Romantic relationships are one of the few things that are immune to the hedonic treadmill.
A good relationship significantly raises the bar indefinitely and bad one dies the same on the opposite end.