When it comes to being with someone- how do you actually ask for the things you would really love. Like handholding or them making you a cup of tea in the morning. It’s not demanding- it’s just explaining how much those things mean.
I know this sounds ridiculous but I’m so terrified that the answer will be no, that I end up becoming a mute and never asking.
So word for word- how do you guys actually ask for what you want?
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I’m just really annoying and really rather unhinged about it. I gave my husband crap because we passed by some claw machines the other day and he didn’t even try to win me a prize from any of them. I told him it hurt my feelings as I’ve never passed by claw machines without my date trying to win something for me before, and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t even make the overture.
You’d think more people would react negatively to that, but nope. I’ve had great results for the most part.
I don’t remember the word for word, but I think it was something like:
Him: You’re looking at me funny.
Me: We’ve walked through this entire claw machine store and you haven’t even picked a machine to win me something from.
Him: Oh [slightly mocking], you want me to win you something, don’t you?
Me: It’s really only natural. [Slightly flirtatious tone.] I’m a little offended. I’ve never walked by a claw machine without having a boyfriend try to win me something before. It makes me feel like you don’t really value me.
Him: I am very sorry, sweetheart. What would you like me to win you?
Me: You have to choose and if you pick wrong, then you have to buy me ice cream.
Him: [Laughing] Wow, she’s so demanding. Okay, how about this one?
Me: That’s very cute, but I don’t actually want one. I just wanted you to offer because it was very rude that you didn’t. I have enough random shit at home already. Now can we go get ice cream?
End convo there, basically. (And no, we didn’t get ice cream but we did get boba tea!)
Exposure therapy. Try and see what happens.
If it’s something reasonable and they say no this is valuable intel for the future of your relationship.
I’m pretty sure I said all of the above to my husband this week. Of course, I also express how happy it makes me when we do these things. I don’t think you need to justify your needs/wants excessively if something isn’t an issue – e.g. we both like physical affection so it’s not a big deal to ask for a hug, but if your person is not a big cuddler, then I’d have an actual conversation about having a compromise.
I fundamentally do not believe in forcing people to be thoughtful. Takes a lot of that good feeling out of it.
I mention that I like certain things when the opportunity arises and I don’t think too hard about it after that.
My husband usually takes note, and even though he thinks flowers are a total financial rip off. He will surprise me with some periodically when I least expect it.
I literally just say it. I’ve said this before but I firmly believe you can’t “scare away” the right man with (reasonable) requests or “demands.” People overthink it imo.
“I want to cuddle more.” “How do you feel about cuddling every morning?” “I love when we cuddle and would like to do it more.” “I love when you make me a cup of tea in the morning.” “Can you make me a cup of tea in the mornings?”
I don’t ask, I inform.
“Do you know what I love? I love it when you [hold my hand/make me a cup of tea]. It means me feel so cared for and appreciated.”
Usually that works by itself, but if you’ve got a real dense (or forgetful) partner you may have to follow it up with even clearer communication:
“Hey, remember when I said I love it when you [whatever]? That was me asking you to do that kind of thing more often. I try to take notice of the things you love and do them too. I hope you’d tell me what they are if I missed a hint or wasn’t doing something important to you.”
Edit to add: my impression from your post is that asking how to get your partner to be aware of your needs and do things without you having to ask every time. That’s what I mean by “I inform”: I give information about my preferences so that spouse can take them on board, and I tell him as best I can why the particular gesture is important to me.
If it’s a one-off situation like I’m having a bad day and I just need a hug in that particular moment, being direct works great. “I had a bad day. Can I have a hug?”
I just ask. Would please be so kind and make me a coffee? Would you please take care of xy… We are always trying to say please and thank you.
I prefer very direct communication but it doesn’t sound like you’re someone who would be comfortable with that approach. I would say something like, “I would love it if you could make me a cup of tea in the morning, that would make me feel really appreciated. Could you try to do that for me on occasion?” And when they do it for you, you tell them how much you appreciate it.
But otherwise, maybe you come to it in a roundabout way… it sounds like your love languages could be acts of service and physical touch? Maybe look into love languages with your partner, like do a quiz together or something, and explain why those things are important to you and make you feel special, and likewise ask the same of them. And if the answer is no… I think if you’re terrified of it, you know that’s a bigger issue
I wanted an advent calendar for my birthday last year (nov). “I want an advent calendar, not just chocolate” and I got it
“Babe would you make me a tea? I’m feeling lazy this morning”
“Would you grab me some water please?”
“Can I have a kiss?”
“Wanna cuddle?”
I also ask non verbally. Eg if I roll over while we’re cuddling he knows I want to be spooned. If I pant his hand on my breast while we’re kissing, he knows I want to be touched there.
If it’s a request for a habit change eg to more often make tea in the morning, then I would say, not in the morning but just in a separate calm moment, “I have a request. I would really love it if you would make me a tea in the morning [when you make yourself one/on weekdays when I’m busy getting ready for work/now and then – be clear and specific]. It would make me feel really taken care of. What do you think?”
And your person can say yes, no, the morning is too busy but is there something else I can do, etc.
“Hey, it would really make me feel loved and cared for if we held hands more often.”
“It’s so thoughtful when you make me a cup of tea in the morning. It really helps me feel like my needs are being met in this relationship. Is there anything I can do for you that would make you feel like that?”
If his answer to these kinds of things is no (which realistically, the majority of people would say yes, and the uninterested ones would just not follow through, so maybe that’ll ease your fear of rejection here) then you’ll just have to weigh how important these things are to you, and if you’re able to be happy without them. But if he loves you, I’m sure he’ll pleasantly surprise you. You just have to give him the chance 🙂
“Hold my hand” and then take their hand. Per the tea thing, I wouldn’t think it’s fair to ask someone to do that every morning unless they’re already making their own and you want some too. In which case, it would be “hey, when you make tea in the mornings, could you please pour a cup for me too?”
“Would you mind [request]?”
“I really appreciate it when you [act of love].”
“I miss when we would do [action] together. Could we make that a routine again?”
“I really need [request] right now.”
Also you can just state what you’re going to do: “Let’s clean up the kitchen and then we can watch our show together.”
Or in some cases, like holding hands, just initiate the thing you want!
Just hold his hand, how he responds will tell you all you need to know. Just ask him if he will be make you a cup of tea and when he does tell him how you’ve always fantasized about spending your life with a man who will wake you up each morning witha warm cup of tea. And, if he refuses, you know all you need to know.
When I want to hold a hand, I just do it lol. For little things… I at this point want a partner who thinks to do it lol.
“I am socially wiped from my day and currently have decision fatigue, please make the decisions tonight.”
“I don’t want to hold hands, it is too hot.”
“I need a minute to rest/breathe/think/etc.”
If someone says no when you are expressing a need, you do not have to become a mute and never express your needs ever again. That’s an extreme reaction. Depending on the need you’ve expressed, a no is not a good response anyway.
I will literally walk into a room my husband is in and announce “I want attention!” Every time he chuckles.
I’m pregnant and massages help. I asked once. He started offering and has a standing offer for a daily one. Now I just walk in and say “Is now a good time for my daily massage?”
Lol, I just did this last night! We were texting back and forth (like, both actually present):
Me: I keep thinking about a few weeks ago when we went to [restaurant] and you put your hand on my hip while we were in line. I loved that. I want that so much more
Him: Done can do
Me: We don’t touch in public very much and I would like if we did
Him: I know and we will going forward
I have had to work up to this. With my ex-husband, this conversation would have been closer to an argument. With my current partner, I know (now) I can ask for things like this and he will respond how he did.
When we were first together, I would think about it for days or weeks before I would finally get up the nerve to say, “I need this specific thing.” His response has always been positive, even if he initially doesn’t believe me. Just bringing it to his attention, he can recognize that I am right and correct it.
I had to talk myself into being ok if he said no. Because the worst thing he would say is, “No, I can’t do that” not whatever my ex would have said (shame, blame, guilt).
>Literally- how do you ask for what you want. How do you ACTUALLY phrase it?
The exact same way I ask anyone for anything I want. “Will you please XYZ?” “I’d appreciate XYZ.” “Can you do XYZ for my?”
>When it comes to being with someone- how do you actually ask for the things you would really love. Like handholding or them making you a cup of tea in the morning. It’s not demanding- it’s just explaining how much those things mean.
I didn’t think I’ve ever asked to hold hands with my husband, even when we were dating. I just grab his hand if I want to hold it, and vice versa. For something like making tea, if it’s a one time thing, I’d just ask. If it’s something I wanted him to do for me every morning, I’d bring that up at a different time of day, like maybe during dinner, and I’d explain why I wanted that and what it would mean to me for him to do this.
>I know this sounds ridiculous but I’m so terrified that the answer will be no, that I end up becoming a mute and never asking.
Here’s the crux of the issue. WHY are you so afraid that the answer will be no? Is that something you experience in any other relationships (romantic, familial, friend, work, etc.) or just this one?
If you have trouble asking for things from anyone or in more relationships than just this one, you need a therapist to help unpack why you feel this way, and to help you heal and learn to ask for things without fear!
If it’s just this relationship, then that’s a huge neon sign that this is NOT a good relationship for you to continue being in! If your partner has given you reasons to fear “no” as a response, that’s a red flag for (at best) a dysfunctional relationship, or (at worst) an abusive relationship. Get out NOW.
If it’s just this relationship where you struggle to ask for small things, and your partner hasn’t done anything to make you fear rejection, that’s still a sign that this isn’t the right relationship for you! I experienced this exact situation once. I dated a guy for about three months, and the entire time, for no reason I struggle to tell him what I wanted and how I felt. He was kind, open and actively asking me these things and I just couldn’t get words to come out of my mouth. He had never reacted negatively to anything I had managed to say. I had never before experienced so much trouble talking to anyone in my life. We broke up amicably and remained on friendly terms (SM friends and I borrowed something from him several years later). For whatever reason, even though I couldn’t put my finger on why, that just wasn’t the right relationship for me.
Trust yourself and don’t waste your time any longer.
>So word for word- how do you guys actually ask for what you want?
Reciting a script isn’t the answer here. I’m sorry, but it’s just not. You need to look introspectively and with curiosity at why you’re struggling with this, and be prepared for a difficult answer.
“Small gestures make me feel really loved, like if you made me a cup of tea in the morning.” Or just “Could you make me a cup of tea?”
I know a married couple who uses “You look sexy when you ______” as a way of requesting things from the other person. If he says “You look sexy when you take out the trash,” she understands it as a request for her to take out the trash. If she says “You look sexy when you do the dishes,” he’ll do the dishes. I wouldn’t use that as a way to make a request for the first time with a new partner, but I do think it’s a cute way to communicate in the context of a long-term established relationship.
You have lots of good scripts here, and you need to just start doing it. It’s like building a muscle; it will get easier the more you do it. But you need to start.
If your partner doesn’t give you what you want, or if they react negatively, then that tells you a lot about the person.
In a calm moment, you say: “Hey I would really like it if you _____ sometimes/more often. It would really mean a lot to me.” Them: “Oh, I could do that.” You: “Yay that would make me so happy!”
I feel you OP – I struggled with this some too. My exH didn’t always prioritize me/my bids for attention or affection, and it left me feeling pretty down. He didn’t necessarily mean it in a bad way, but he’d call me clingy. I also learned I was constantly reaching for the “easy” things that he wouldn’t say no to, because I actually wanted more or something deeper, but experience and my own fear convinced me he wouldn’t follow through.
It took time with my current partner to learn to ask for things. And, a lot of time what I find myself asking for is for him to initiate/show me non-sexual affection without me always being the one to reach out. Me reaching out made me feel needy and like a nuisance. It took easy asks to build on, some therapy, and my SO being really open to get there. I would apologize for being clingy and he would tell me that he promises he likes the affection. If it was too much he’d tell me. And he learned over time that my increase in reaching for him was usually a sign that I was missing something in our relationship or didn’t feel loved the right way. So he’d check in on me and remind/reassure me that I could ask him for anything.
Early on I would quietly whisper “can you hold me?”. Now I take his arm and fling it around me and snuggle in – even if he’s asleep (in which case, he pulls me in tighter and it’s the most adorable thing ever). I ask for long hugs. And sometimes it’s leaving room for him to say no/offer an alternative.
It takes a lot of practice, trust, and an understanding partner to get there, but I know you can do it OP!
Men don’t like to guess. They like to fix the issue and move on. Not that hand holding is an issue, but they want to be clearly told what we want from them, then affirmed with praise.
This is exactly the question I’ve had for so long.
I just ask or do. I used to just slip my hand in to my husband’s hand when we were young (we’ve been married for 28 years), now when we are out he reaches for my hand. Or telling him I love when he makes my coffee (before I get the chance to make it), now he’ll do it because he knows I like it.
Be open about what you like or want (not agressive or demanding). He won’t know unless you show him or tell him. More than likely, he wants to know what you like and will do the things you like if you give him the chance.
Some other things I’ve learned in my own marriage and with the help of of a personal therapist:
If it’s not urgent, don’t ask for something when one or both of you is in a bad mood, sad, or otherwise in a triggered state
If you’re new to asking for what you want and negotiating wants/needs in a relationship, it can help to pre-plan (together)/set aside time for both of you to talk, calmly and without judgement or defensiveness, about things each person wants. It’s ok to establish ground rules, or whatever you both need to feel comfortable with the conversation. A monthly touchpoint can give you time to cool off if things go sideways here and there
Have some internal curiosity first. Spend some time gently pondering things like – “Why do I want this?” “What need does this fulfill for me?” “Does this need/desire seem like something my spouse can realistically meet?” “Is it reasonable to ask my spouse for this?” And be kind to both your spouse AND yourself in this (especially if you have self-sacrificing tendencies/struggle with self-love)
Have curiosity in the conversation with your spouse, too. After letting them know what you want, ask them if they have any feelings about what you’re asking. And do your best not be judgmental, let them say what they need to say without withdrawing, defending, or panicking. And invite them to make their asks too, try to approach them with curiosity, not self-sacrifice.
Finally, always remember that a spouse should want to meet your needs and desires (and you theirs) but there’s a lot of ambiguity around things like whether a need is really a need, whether either of you feel capable of meeting a need, or your own traumas and avoidance-patterns that may make requests feel like threats or burdens. In essence, it will take time to get good at this and find the right balance.
It takes work to figure this stuff out. But communicating and negotiating wants and needs is vital to the success of a relationship, so you BOTH need to show up and be committed to trying to figure this stuff out together. If only one of you is trying, it will build resentment and exacerbate problems.
Good luck!
People can’t read minds. Some are more thoughtful than others. Say, “ I would appreciate it if you would…” or I need you to…” or “When you do xyz, I love it so much.”
The thing is if you’re not getting what you need, you have to decide whether you can accept it or need to move on. He’s not rejecting you, you just might not be compatible.
“I’m so terrified that the answer will be no, that I end up becoming a mute and never asking.”
Why is the only option silencing yourself to stay in a relationship where your needs aren’t being met?
I explain my love language and how that translates in real life actions/behavior.
Had this discussion with a coworker, I told him my love language is acts of service and he rolled his eyes and said constantly showing affection through acts of service is exhausting, because it just seems “she’s never happen unless I’m doing stuff for her all the time” (ex wife). I explained it doesn’t have to be grandiose things. For example, calling and making a reservation for dinner. That makes me feel fulfilled. My partner recognizes that we would like to go out to dinner, picked a restaurant I would like, understands it will be a more enjoyable experience if we aren’t waiting to be seated at busy dinner hour, and calls to book a table.
It’s a phone call. It’s very simple, but the forethought to reduce emotional labor for me is meaningful.
I say him in affirmative statements that sound like questions. –
“You’ll give me attention now.?”
“You’ll clean the kitchen since I cooked..?”
” You’ll put your phone down and look at me when we’re talking so I feel heard..?”
” You’ll be nicer to me when I’m on my period..?”
Etc…
Also, what works for me is saying a positive statement followed by asking for my needs to be met.
” I love you and I can tell you really love me but I need you to be more enthusiastic about our future, I’m not girlfriend material.”
I need this question answered but in a non romantic setting. Like how do I tell my boss my wants without sounding so demanding lol. With my partner it’s so easy.
You’re 30 years old. Learn how to communicate what you want and if they say no move on lmao
Dating coaches hate this one life hack: have autism.
For real. Direct questions and statements come out easier than delicately worded ones.
“I know these seem like small things to some people, but it would mean so much to me if you’d reach for my hand sometimes. Or make me a cup of tea in the morning. These are the sorts of things that make me feel very loved.”
If he’s already done the thing but just not regularly, I let him know I appreciated the gesture and would welcome it regularly. “When you took my hand the other night, It made me feel so loved and cared for. Thank you for that. I hope you like holding hands because I’m gonna need a lot more of that!”
Ask. Rejection hurts, but it also gives you very important information. If someone rejects your ask of something so simple, that tells you they aren’t the kind of person you really want to be with.
I’d just hold their hand if I walked to. Or If you live in a rather busy city, I’d grab his hand and say “Don’t lose me” or “you’re walking to fast, this is your leash”. Something more cute or playful.
As for tea or similar acts of service…. I’d probably roll over in the morning and sleepily mutter tea would be niiiiice, snuggle into him and go “hmmmm teaaaaaa~” lol. My SO would laugh, call me cheeky and ask what tea I’d like. Then thank him, give him OTT positive reinforcement, repeat a few times and he’ll keep it up.
When I want a hug, I just lie somewhere lift my arms and wave hands around… and he’ll come over. If I want a compliment, I’ll stand in front of him and giggle my boobs, or dance or shake my butt in front of his face… not saying anything, but it’s pretty direct and is fun for both of us. Lots of playful, flirty, cheeky ways to get what you want even if you don’t directly ask.
But if you want something specific.. and it’s the start of the relationship… being direct is easier and better so he knows and will actually learn to better read you so that you won’t have to ask directly/explicitly in the future.
Maybe I’m just bossy, but I just do it. I reach out, take his hand, squeeze it. Hold it for a bit. Let go.
When walking (first time holding hands), I say to him: “I totally want to hold hands right now.” It was casual. He said, “Hell yeah.” Then like a minute later, he said, “I’m letting go because my hand is sweaty and I want it back for a little.” All in kindness, lightness, openness.
For tea/coffee. I offer to make him some at times. He offers to make it sometimes. Sometimes not. But, I think it’s a thing where I might say, “Would you consider making a hot tea for me? People don’t make me tea. I’ll make tea for you next time.” Something like that.
If he says, “I can’t right this second but will in a few…” great.
If he says, “I don’t do that. Not my thing…” then eww.
It all depends on your relationship with a particular person and how you communicate. I’m really blunt and my partner appreciates that. If I have a question I’ll ask. In this instance it’s usually along the lines of “when you do X it makes me feel Y, could you try Z?” The idea of talking to him about certain things has made me anxious before, but I’ve also told him “for me to feel safe in a relationship with you I need to be able to talk to you about these things” that helped him understand that although I tend to be blunt that doesn’t mean it’s easy for me to bring up.
I understand that you’re afraid of what the answer is going to be, but ask yourself do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make you feel loved? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that you can’t be honest and vulnerable?