The things that bother me in our 1.5 years relationship seems so trivial
Those are something that I thought would have naturally happen or even desired by partner becomes something that I need to bargain for / asked for to get it. And I don’t understand why. Cause other than the below similar situations, he prioritises weekend time with me, and he invites me for his friends wedding or for colleagues catch up.
Eg holding hands
In the initial part of our relationship I need to ask him for that and tell him why it’s important to me, and repeat again a few times to remind him. So he holds me hand now to address to my needs of being held hands.
Eg stay connected during the day when we are apart
such as a couple of short text messages each day when we are not hanging out
Eg after a romantic day out or holiday, go back home or hotel I thought would naturally want to cuddle and kiss and get intimate? But with him it’s only 1/5 of the time would happen this way.
When I raised my worries of whether he desires me, he gets defensive and said these should be done naturally ebb and flow. Not having intimacy for a couple of weeks shouldn’t be something that leads to me feeling the relationship crumbles down.
TL;DR – Little things that I thought would happen naturally doesn’t happen with my 40M boyfriend and I (35F) don’t understand why – eg hold hands, naturally kiss and cuddle after a romantic day out, naturally want to message each other a couple of times during day time on work days
Comments
Probably something to do with being two different people with separate wants and needs
Things that “should happen naturally” for you don’t have to happen naturally for him. He might have different priorities. You shouldn’t voice your concerns, what you should rather try is saying something akin to “hey, I feel unloved because we don’t hold hands often. Holding hands makes me feel connected and happy. Could you hold my hands more often, it would make my day.”
Is he ADHD or autism spectrum? I am ADHD and I literally just don’t think like that naturally. I have to tell myself that I need to do those things because it was what neurotypicals expect/want. Was just thinking today I need to be more physically affectionate to my husband. It isn’t that I don’t love him or am not attracted, I just don’t think about it, because my brain is moving a million miles a minute with other stuff.
Are you familiar with attachment theory? You might have different attachment styles. Some of your feelings resonate with how I used to feel in certain circumstances and I found that for me, these were linked to anxious attachment on my part.v
I think you are right, he does seem uninterested. But people are different, maybe in his head being in an official relationship with you is enough to prove his love. If it’s not for you, if you had voice your concerns and he still doesn’t try to improve to make you more comfortable and if you are not happy with this setup, you should leave… some people just don’t match. I could never be with a man that shows so little affection as you’re describing.
And I bet if you say you’ll leave he will maybe get a reality check and try to improve… maybe he takes you for granted (I’m not saying to do it as a “threat”, you should really leave)
It’s ok to learn that you are not compatible. Move on.