I feel like my MIL is causing so much trouble, but maybe the problem is me because I’m the one who moved countries and changed my entire life for my husband?
Nine months ago, I moved in with my husband. For context, I packed up my whole life and moved to his hometown—which is in a different country from where I’m originally from—to live in the house he was already in. This house is on his parents’ property.
For a few years now, my husband has lived in a granny flat annexed to his parents’ house.
Since moving in, I’ve struggled to find my space because his mom is overwhelming. At first, I tried to play along, but I quickly started feeling worn down—like a toy she could command. It feels like living on the same property makes me part of her property. She comes over unannounced, expects us to have dinner with them 4–5 nights a week, and invites me to last-minute plans constantly. She’ll text me at 7 AM asking if I want to go for a walk on the beach that morning, or she’ll knock on my door and tell me to go somewhere with her.
When I started saying no, she wasn’t happy. She kept pushing, even going behind my back to ask my husband what I was doing instead—like spending time with her was the best possible option and I had no right to do what I wanted.
I explained my boundaries to my husband, but it’s hard for him to talk to her because they don’t really get along. He either ignores her or does whatever she asks just to keep the peace.
For example, we told MIL that if she wants to make plans with me, she needs to let me know at least a day in advance. But she still brings things up last minute, now adding, “Oh, I know you’re busy and don’t want to come, but…” So now, on top of being pushy, she’s guilt-tripping me.
I’m beyond fed up. I told my husband I can’t deal with her overstepping my boundaries every single day. She’s even gone behind my back to ask him if I’m depressed, if I have friends, or if I even talk to my family. I have no idea where these assumptions come from—probably just because I don’t want to hang out with her. Instead of accepting that I have my own life, she assumes there’s something wrong with me.
The truth is, all these comments and constant pushing are making me depressed. I feel like I’m not allowed to live my life the way I want, and my self-esteem is taking a serious hit. Every day, it gets harder to stand up for myself.
My husband is so blind to it that he thinks she’s just saying these things because she cares about me. But if you truly care about someone, you start by respecting their boundaries—you don’t guilt-trip them and act overbearing.
Another thing that infuriates me is how much this is affecting my marriage. My husband won’t say anything to his mom because he doesn’t want to upset her, but he has no problem upsetting me. Instead, he tells me to just keep making an effort, suck it up, and get over it—like my feelings don’t matter.
I can’t help but think… if this is already happening now, how bad will it be when we have a child?
Husband and I are going to see a counselor next week because I can’t see how this is going to work otherwise.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. Maybe just some advice on how to deal with this bullshit? Moving to a different house isn’t an option right now.
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Step 1) counselling Step 2) move as far away as you can… if your partner fights you on either it’s time to go. They are both aware how they are making you feel and they do not care enough to change their behaviour. It could be ignored maybe if it was just your MIL but it’s unbearable when your partner turns a blind eye. In my experience, lots of men don’t hear you until you leave.
Editing to add: you’ll have to decide if your husband is worth fighting for because it will take a lot of work on your part to get him where he needs to be. Sadly I think it’s the reality for a lot of women in this group, myself included.
Has he ever lived away from them? It sounds like this is life as he knows it.
Can you move out but live close enough that you can still see him? Are there jobs in the area that you could start your own life and see if you are still compatible under different circumstances?
You said you explained your boundaries but it’s hard for him to talk to her but later you pointed out that he thinks MIL is doing this because she cares about you.
Couples therapy is a great idea.
Honestly I think this is more of a husband problem. He’s not telling his mom to back off because he doesn’t see it as bad behavior. The separate house you guys live in on her property is just part of her house, or at least that’s how she sees it. Moving would be an excellent idea, but it may not be financially feasible. Either way DH needs to get it together and stop letting MIL hover over the two of you like this, it’s not healthy.
“I’ve asked you multiple times not to show up uninvited and not to make plans involving me without consulting me first. I would appreciate it if you would please respect these two simple requests.”
He prioritizes his comfort over you being abused. Your post makes clear that you are literally his lowest priorirty. Can you move back to your home country?