TLDR; LDR, attachment and committment issues, seeking advice. Can it work? Should it?
Long distance, anxious>avoidant 44m
Me 44m – Gf 41f broke up w me today over the phone.
We’re across the country, been together 8 months. She is anxious-avoidant, im anxious. We visited esch other 4x, every 2 months. Pretty consistant triggers on both sides, typical anxious avoidant dance. We would make up, id be the one repairing, apologizing, texting, etc. Bit she was forgiving and understood my trauma stuff. Im very up front about my feelings & emotions. She would reciprocate but my insecurity about future plans or whether she was committed would always creep back.
She also has guy friends she talks to on the phone 1 hour a week. At first was a major trigger for me but i managed to get over it. Working on letting go and trusting.
Im in therapy weekly, working on emotional regulation, healing, meditation, IFS. I was an alcoholic for 22 years. Last gf we were together 7 years and lived together, and she ended up cheating on me, really damaged my sense of self. Alcohol did a number on me before i got sober & into recovery. Ive been on a journey of self discovery and recovery from alcohol for 2.5 years, and finally felt ready to get into a relationship again to face fears and all that, 8 years after my last breakup.
Then i got together with current (ex now?) Gf, 8 months ago. we dated briefly 15 years ago but stayed in touch. she has a history in recovery, got sober at 20, has done a lot of therapy but we both deal with past trauma. Shes on a spiritual path. As am i. We connect intellectually and are aligned in a lot of ways, despite some minor differences – in art, philosophically, politically, spiritually, sexually, & oriented towards personal growth.
In my recovery i got a new job and moved across country a year and a half ago, away from froends abd family. Im introverted but working on that in my journey. In a new place and havent clicked with friends here, i put all my eggs in her basket, that she was gonna move out here to be with me, we were going to start a family and live happily ever after.
That plan of her moving out here & starting a fam – we experienced a lot of chalkenges, the anxious avoidant dynamic t to begin with, but shes also got health issues that may prevent her from having kids. Shes 41 as well, and she hasnt been proactive about dealing with the health stuff bc she is into manifesting (she “manifested me” in her words, or brought me into her life… wut) and she wants to heal herself rather than get a medical procedure done.
Clock is ticking on kids, i feel pressure for her to commit and move out here, she is reasonably cautious about uprooting & moving out here, esp if we are triggering each other. Im really trying to heal disregulation and i feel have made a ton of progress since 8 months ago, but i have a long ways to go in healing. She truly loves me and wants to move out here to be with me.
Shes experiencing a huge shake up in her lufe as she considers moving away from her city & friends out to be with me. She likes it out here abd is ready for a big change in her life. But her parents are going through a hard time with dementia setting in back where she lives.
So a lot of tension around clock tocking for having kids, dealing with her parents, our traumas colliding, love, big changes, leaping into the unknown.
Today she waffled on flying out here next month, i said i need commitment, she feels me pressuring her which is a trigger for her (avoidant tendency) and i said it makes me feel like its unpredictable, unreliable, undependable. Bc shes kept future plans open ended and i keep pushing for plans (anxious tendency). She got really angry w me, i stayed calm. She broke up with me, i said ok. She hung up. now im calm, but im going through the reality of it. I have fear of being out here alone. That i wont find someone that resonates with me on that level. A few min after we broke up I tried calling her back but she didnt pick up – avoidant. Texted her will you call me back, no reply ofc.
I know short term i need to regulate and not reach out, but idk if i should try to salvage… we’re both older and know what we want. Weve been in fights before and made up but it hasnt been this serio. I want to make it work with her and deeply care for her despite our volatility. i think…
And i need to soberly appraise whether i want to keep trying, even if shes not going to get medical procedure done, and perhaps my dream of having kids is off the table. And possibly she is a package deal with her aging parents. Idk. Do i let it go….
Im a good looking guy with a good job, oriented towards growth, i have a ways to go, but dont want to let it slip through my fingers.
Typing all this to get it off my chest.
Any advice/wisdom is greatly appreciated.