Long time happily married men, what marriage advice would you give to a newly married man?
Long time happily married men, what marriage advice would you give to a newly married man?
r/AskMen
Long time happily married men, what marriage advice would you give to a newly married man?
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Talk talk all the time don’t let resentment build.
Both live to make each other happy
Master forgiving and letting go.
Do not raise your voice
Have sex no matter hot hard things get between you
Hug and cuddle when you go to bed even after an argument
Take her to holidays, keep her happy
Remind her that you appreciate everything she does
Master forgetting negative moments and days
Do not ever think about cheating or flirting with someone else. Even if you will get her forgiveness – trust will be ruined forever and till end of your life you will be liar, cheater and piece of shit in her mind.
Date your spouse. It’s so easy for one or both of you to accidentally put spending quality time one on one on the metaphorical back burner especially if you have kids.
I took myself way too seriously and had entered into the relationship with her without learning to Love myself, first.
Even if you’re already newly married- understand that improving yourself can mean gym time like everyone here suggests, but it starts with you believing you deserve the gift of being someone else’s person.
Im so very grateful for her patience over the many years it finally took for me to get this.
Communicate, communicate, communicate and never stop dating her. Don’t hold grudges, not every hill is worth dying in and never go to bed angry without dealing with the problem at hand.
Start saving now. Get out of debt. Make good choices with money.
Pick your battles and find a hobby you enjoy and they can tolerate
Apologize often. Communicate. Compromise.
Jeus Chrst all the advice here is sacrifice 🤣
I was only married for a while. But these advice is spot on
Communication. Respect.
Anyone who says “happy wife, happy life” is in a shitty relationship.
“Happy wife, happy life” does NOT work long term.
Neither of you are mind readers. Communicate always. Your spouse is the one person you should be able to talk to about any and all of the things involving the two of you.
Never go to sleep on a problem. Sort it out before bed.
Reassurance does not mean there’s a problem. Reassurance is normal. There’s little things you’ll both find to do for each other that shows that at times. If time passes and those things aren’t being done don’t jump to conclusions. Ask about it, talk about.
Always enter the conversation looking to solve the issue if there is one. Don’t enter the conversation looking to start an issue or make accusations out the gate.
Avoid thinking of disagreements as fights. This is your partner, not your opponent.
Plan as much as you can for your future. Where yall wanna live, if you wanna build a house eventually. How many kids if any, adopting if yall want to help with that system later in life or any other things that involve both of your resources or property. The more yall plan the more yall will both know the path the two of you are on.
Don’t keep score when it comes to chores etc. Act as one unit. Some days one spouse has to pick up the slack more than the other and vice versa.
Keep the arguments to things that really matter. You aren’t weak for letting the little things go. It really doesn’t matter if she forgot to pick you up take out on the way home. It does matter if she won’t stand up to her parents.
Communicate.
Never stop holding hands.
Let little things go. Not everything is worth arguing over. Just because your spouse folds socks different than you do isn’t worth complaining about. Appreciate the fact they helped fold in the first place.
Learn about the love languages and find out what makes her feel loved and appreciated.
Some people say marriage should be 50/50, but I heard somebody say one time that it should actually be 60/40, with each partner striving to be the 60. Solid advice.
Inform yourself about PPD, and understand the role you might need to play through that period.
It’s better to be HAPPY than RIGHT. Pick your battles and don’t sweat the small stuff; because at the end of the day it’s ALL small stuff.
Be a provider, be kind and considerate. Most of all be a Man with a backbone. Communication, listen when you care the least of what she is talking about. Tip of the day. Ask her how she’s feeling, most of the time she will say I’m ok, ask are you sure? Some days will be yes and some days she will take you down a path in which you have no answers. You not supposed to solve it, just listen with feed back.
Recognise that your household’s mood centers on you. If I notice my poor attitude starting effect everyone else, I’ve gone too far and have to smarten up or else the day goes to shit. I say sorry for being grumpy, explain why I’m grumpy, and talk about how to move forward with a better attitude. My wife usually responds with understanding and appreciation for me recognizing my mood and talking about it. The same goes for her although much less frequently. We’re fifteen years in and still going strong.
Use your words, ask for 100% of what you want. Voice when you have a problem. check in regularly. Water takes the form of its container. Your words shape your happiness and boundaries in the relationship. If you go about pleasing and tolerating without naming needs before they become resentments then you’ll keep accommodating and negotiation will feel like oppression because you’ll have compromised in advance. She wants to be a good partner as much as you do, so letting her know what works best for you helps her do that.
From there you’re picking the problems you can live with. Get a couples therapist if you need to renegotiate. Read gottman together.
Accept that marriage is not only gaining things but also saying goodbye to some. Don’t be too hard in comparing the time before you had a partner and now, they are not the same.
And, as many others already have mentioned, talk. All the time.
Last tipp: stay newly in love. Do with your partner the things you did in the beginning of your love. Kiss them like you mean it.
Just celebrated 15 years married, together a total of 19. Be patient with each other. Be ready to put in work when things get rough. Eventually with life, work, kids, etc., remembering to love and celebrate each other takes active planning. But it’s sooooooooo worth it as long as each member puts in that effort.
When I was about 22 and had really just gotten serious with my future wife, I had a boss at the time tell me his secret: “You’ll both fall in and out of love with each other periodically; the trick is to make sure you both don’t do it at the same time.” That really resonated with me then and still does now.
Listen to your wife. I’m not saying follow orders… but really listen. Even if she’s venting about her coworker for the 33rd time, just listen, and don’t offer a solution unless asked.
When wives feel unheard they start to grow distant.
Don’t think your smart enough to solve all problems and or arguments. There’s nothing wrong with seeking out a counselor when things seem to be unresolvable.
She’s not your mother.
Pick up after yourself. Clean without being asked. If you see it needs done, do it.
Give each other personal space.
Give her non sexual intimacy. Just hold her without trying to bed her.
Don’t stop dating her. Have flowers delivered. Don’t let the romance die a slow death.
Buy some good quality massage oil. As a surprise, When she’s sitting around, grab a few towels for under her legs. Bring the oil in and Message her feet and calves. Clean up and leave her alone.
As cheesy as it sounds: figure out your love languages. How do you receive love and how do you show it? Same for her. Talk about it so it’s open and out there.
Be a nice person, and fun to hang out with. Here are some things to work on:
I’m 74 and have been happily married for a long, long time.
Don’t
You’re always wrong, and the rare moments she actually apologized for her mistakes needs to be treasured like diamonds because holy shit are they rare.
Every single day you are either growing away from each other or towards one another. Intentionally choose the actions or habits that grow you towards them and encourage them to do the same.
Marry the chick that is crazy about you. Marry the one that you would help you hide bodies and go to war with you. They are rare but I met my wife when we were 16, we are now 35. Married for over a decade and 5 kids and shes still crazy about me.
Tell her to calm down when she gets upset. Women are emotional and it’s good to remind them to not let there irrational feelings take over their mind. Women are complicated maybe it’s their time of month. You can ask whether it is or not. So you know you should leave some space for them. Be sure to have your own free time and keeping doing the fun stuff that you do when you’re single. They don’t need to know everything. It will only unnecessarily upset them.
Don’t praise them. They’ll think they are worthy of more. They’re lucky to have you. Make sure to let them know. Sometimes friends and family would want to split you guys up. By all means don’t allow that negativity in their lives. Look out for males around her: colleagues; former classmates; friends. You know men only want one thing. Protect her from those influences.
Become the closest of best friends before having children.
Get a job where you are away for 6 months of the year to keep things fresh.
As lovers don’t forget to be friends and as friends don’t forget to be lovers.
Remember that both of you are going to change over the coming years and you both need to decide to keep falling in love or not. The person your wife and you are won’t be the same person in a year, five years, or 10. Choose each other and you’ll get to fall in love hundreds of times.
Communication is great, but meaningless if y’all don’t respect each other. Once the respect is gone, nothing will save the relationship because you fundamentally won’t believe that the other person is worth the effort.
Keep dating.
Never take her for granted. Always make her well-being and happiness your first priority. And, assuming she’s down with it, show her physical affection (whatever that looks like for the two of you) at every possible opportunity. Obviously your wife may be different, but my marriage has always been at its best when I’ve done this stuff diligently. Most of it amounts to making her feel loved and appreciated.
My grandfather was the kindest, coolest, wisest and just man that I’ve ever met. He was my best friend until he died a couple of years ago.
So, on the day I got married, 15+ years ago, I naturally figured he would have some solid advice for me.
So I said; “Grandaddy, what advice do you have for me”?
He looked at me squarly in the eyes and said; “Pal, you won’t understand this for a while, even a long time I hope, but I don’t have any advice for you, just something to tell you, so listen carefully”.
“When your Grandmother doesn’t have anything to be mad about, that makes her mad a little”.
For context, my Grandmother was just as sweet and kind as him, but she expected things a certain way (her way, lol). So, I didn’t understand what the heck he meant for quite a while. One day…. the light came on to what he meant by those words. So… there you go! Lol!
From me personally, the #1 thing is don’t get complacent. Keep doing the little things, and be romantic once in a while. Be flirty forever with her! Those little things and little love connections are easy at 1st and for a couple of years even. They are the KEYS to a happy marraige FOREVER though! Once kids and the stresses of running a household while working full time take hold of your lives, it is very easy to unwittingly put your partner at the bottom of your priority list.
That girl that liked surprises, a sneaky squeeze of a booty cheek in public, and a random dinner date that you planned and prepared for her, doesn’t go away just b/c you’ve been married for a while. Just like the things that make you feel special and loved dont. Women just romanticize things a LOT more, and low key get “upset” when you dont do them, even when you are perfect in every other aspect! (*see Granpa’s words above 😉).
Good luck!
Happy wife, happy life. No one has bothered to rhyme happy husband.
Read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”. Seriously. You can get it for a couple bucks on eBay
communication and both have to compromise
Talk, listen, but don’t mansplain.
Lots of good advice here- mine is to keep working on yourself. You’re both going to get old and odds are you’re also going to get fat. You want to grow old and be happy together it’s going to be more happy if one of you doesn’t have to take care of the other one stuck in bed with a bad back
Love/marriage is a sacrifice. Best advice i can give you. You absolutely at no time can be selfish
give her the benefit of the doubt if she says something that offends you. It takes years to learn how to communicate and understand the nuances of what someone says and what they mean, and she probably didn’t mean it that way.
Don’t mistake a cry for help for a cold shoulder. “I’m fine” absolutely does not mean that. Keep asking every half hour or so until she opens up. Act concerned, give her a hug, it might be something you did (or see above) but just as often it’s got nothing to do with you.
Nothing’s “fair”, there is no 50/50. Don’t start trying to keep score because if you do you’ll find you’re well in debt to her anyway – just do everything you can. This is really important.
Now that all sounds like all give, no take, but if you approach the partnership trying to give, so will most women, and that’s pretty great.
Life is a team sport and the family you’re making is the core of your team. It should your team VS everything life throws at you, so you need to make sure there’s no friction between you.
Married 29 years this year. Combine your finances. It’s a team all the way down. It’s we. We need to pay rent. We need to save for retirement. We need to save for our kid’s college. We need to dream about our future. Tackle life together. Words matter.
I’m sure people will come for me about keeping money separate, independence, and security. I understand the argument. But, that mindset bleeds into everything.
Rock solid prenup at least a year in advance and make sure it is crafted by a lawyer and make sure that she runs it by an independent lawyer as well. A judge can and will set the prenup aside if she cries about “He made me sign it and it is just abusive.” Protect yourself.
There isn’t a village here. It’s you two. Be the one for them, let them be the one for you. Engender trust, build it stronger than you think is necessary.
Listen when they’re telling you anything. Ask if they want advice or a sounding board. Be whatever they need right then. Hope that they will do the same.
Bolster their joys, learn the things they love, and encourage them.
Understand they’re always growing and changing too, just like you are. Don’t ever make them feel like you are better, you’re PARTNERS, you’re a team.
And understand neither of you should need each other, you’ve both made a CHOICE to SHARE your future together. It’s never you, it’s never her, it’s you both.
Be your partner’s best friend as best you can.
Rub her feet when you’re just hanging out. Scratch her back, scratch her head, scratch whatever itch she has.
Let her love you too, don’t assume you’re carrying all the weight.
Don’t argue over little things, and this goes both ways. A dish in the sink that takes 5 seconds to get in the dishwasher isn’t worth the energy and time that comes with having an argument over it. Those 5 seconds are not worth 20-30 minutes. Weigh things out and you will find most things that you may get mad about are honestly just minor inconveniences and nowhere near worth an argument.
Don’t take each other for granted.
When she is venting/talking about a situation, frustration, concern etc don’t immediately reply with intent to “solve” the issue.
Always make sure they know you love them. Always be honest. Never intentionally do or say anything to hurt them. Never focus on problems, only focus on solutions. These are my rules and they serve me well.
Sometimes it’s ok to go to bed angry. Things look different in the morning. My wife and I don’t fight. Not one in 19 years. We disagree fairly frequently and annoy each other on the regular but decide whether you’re annoyed enough that you have to say something and if you do, say it calmly as you can, never swearing (that changes the message entirely). Like, “hey, Hun, that thing you said or did didn’t sit well with me. Here’s why”. A good spouse will respond appropriately.
Splitting responsibilities and delegating stuff leads to resentment over the other person not necessarily covering their end or whatever.
Everything is everyone’s job. Don’t fall into the trap of “this is mine this is yours”.
Communication is an ABSOLUTE requirement.
When it comes to family, friends and future goals…..Be on the same team! Support each other and do NOT let your friends or family bad mouth your partner. If they do, you end it IMMEDIATELY.
BEFORE you go to a family event or friends party etc, make a plan on when you leave and who’s driving. See rule #1.
Don’t settle, that doesn’t mean don’t compromise. I’ve seen so many guys stay in bad relationships because they believe this is the best they’ll ever get.
Just don’t get married. If they love your company and want to be around you, you don’t need a contract. Was married 13 and others have been in the game longer and divorced after 20 30 + years of marriage. Either couple could have been the “one” until they aren’t. Seen both genders lose more than they gained from marriage.
Never take love, affection for granted. Work on it. Shit that happens at work or with friends is not your partner’s shit to deal with. Talk it through and accept support but don’t pass the bad vibes onto her. Always tell her you love her every day. Never let a day pass without hugging and kissing. Never think you’re owed anything in a relationship, it’s a partnership and you have to earn your part in it. You’ll naturally find a balance of the chores, but make it an even balance. It’s not her “job” to do house stuff unless you’ve an explicit agreement where she doesn’t work otherwise. Keep an eye on her mood and don’t try and solve her issues, but offer emotional support and a hug when she needs it. You will argue but don’t let anything fester. Work your shit out. And remember it is not weak to admit sometimes you’re wrong. It’s strong to know, acknowledge and move on. And surprise her with kindness whenever you can. Not gifts and bought kindness. A bit of extra help, tidying up, a quiet walk together. We’ve been holding hands for nearly 30 years and it’s really worth the effort to have such comfort, peace and a safe place in this crazy world.
Happy wife happy life is nonsense. It’s happy spouse, happy house as it’s a partnership, not one person constantly attending to the other.
Don’t yell at each other; find ways to make each other laugh every day; make it a point to give each other space sometimes and encourage having individual hobbies to some extent; travel if you can; finally, it might sound harsh, but don’t have kids.
Talk openly and honestly all the time. Communication is key.
Remember it is you and your partner against the problem, not you vs her.
Just because you are married, doesn’t mean you should stop “dating” her. Keep doing the little things every day that let her know you still care.
Serve your partner and she should serve you. If you both give, you both will have your needs met and both will feel happy and loved.
Don’t keep score
Both of you should have friends that you see regularly. I’m not talking about other couples, I mean your boys, and her girls. You should have a day during the week where you get to go out with your friends, and she knows to not make plans with you on that day. Trust me.
Go to bed angry. Nobody is rational or compromising when they are emotional and tired.
Here’s an easy one, you know that thing you do that really annoys her, don’t do that thing.
It’s fairly easy if you both remember one thing. 🐱wet, not her eyes. 🍆 hard, not his life.
Diplomacy and compromise, handle your part and help out with their part.
Don’t lie. Talk to each other. Have monthly honest check ins where you each promise to make it a safe space to talk about what’s going well and what could be improved. Pitch in on things you normally wouldn’t and don’t expect to be rewarded from it. It’s a partnership!
Your wife can make you coffee ☕, she can’t make you happy ☺️.
….
Being happy is your responsibility.
Forgive her and yourself often. Never criticize her to others.
Remember that you’re a team. Sometimes you might need to carry the team more and other times you’ll be carried.
Don’t go to sleep angry
Learn to fight fair and understand that sometimes fights (even when you’re “right”) are just not worth having.
Also, most marriages break up over money, so get your finances locked down now.
Generic advice doesn’t work unfortunately. Every spouse is different.
Generic advice is, you need a TON of patience. And always be appreciative of your spouse for the little things they do for you.
I am happily married, but I have no advice for you since it’s too late. Either you are a great couple, or you’re not.
Great couple are the ones with 2 great people, they got together for the right reasons, they got married for the right reasons, and they both work together to solve the crap in life so that they can havs as much fun together as they can.
And, last but not least, they are like-minded and compatible in matters of:
Keep it in your pants.
Learn what you can live with, and what you cannot live with and express those boundaries. Together 22 years with 2 kids under 10 (and happy)
Have a secret plan to get out of the marriage, so it’s ready if and when relevant. Smoke detector principle.
Be polite. Please and thank you goes a long way.
Don’t call names.
Have a nice wife? If I had a mean wife I’d have left ages ago
They need attention not confidence. Give a kiss when you come home and when you live. Attention is not measured by woman, a little one have the same value as a big one. The number of it and the repetition is what makes them happy.
People talk about compromise but what they really mean is collaboration.
The amount you can do together is exponentially more than alone.
Be the president of each other’s fan club.
Respect means different things to men and women. Women don’t even know you feel disrespected so you have to teach your wife what you will not tolerate. I recommend looking for titles on YouTube such as “How Women Disrespect Men.” After 10 years of marriage, these changed my life and made marriage (and life) MUCH better. Starting right now will save you years of unhappiness.
when time comes you got two choices: you want to win or you want to be happy. choose wisely.
You and your spouse each need to put in 60% effort to meet in the middle.
Happily married for 23 years.
Live your lives for each other. Always speak kindly to each other and when you do fight, recognize that your focus should be on solutions. Never talk negatively about each other to friends and family, ever.
If your mutual goal is to try to serve each other and make each other happy, you’ll do great. If your focus is more on yourself than on your relationship together, you’ll have a rough time.
Don’t sweat the small stuff, and communicate openly and freely.
Go for long walks together once a week at least and talk. You get exercise, vitamin d and a connection to your spouse. It’s vital. We also have a one week break from the kiddo we call camp grandma. We go on dates every night. We look forward to it all year!
Also, budget. If it’s a recurring expense, make it a line item. Consult your spouse about goals and things they like to spend money on. My wife has an expensive Amex so we get access to the Skyclub when we travel. She spreads the cost of that card out all year so it’s a no brainer.
Don’t get married. Oops too late.
never go to sleep on a argument.
there are many papers by neurologists showing how sleep and learning are linked
make stopping arguments from festering your numbers 1&2 priorities
Go to bed at the same time. Sync that shit in.