I’m 22 years old and a junior in college. I still live at home with my parents as I don’t have enough money to afford tuition and rent. I grew up in kinda an unhealthy dynamic; my dad was verbally and physically abusive… I have two younger siblings, but I was the only one he would abuse (and I don’t know why) We grew up with little money when I was a child, and I wonder if sometimes the stress was taken out on me. he’d tell me I was worthless, and I’d never amount to anything even if I tried, and honestly, years later, I still think about it. he would tell me I was a burden because he had to pay to feed me, etc., alongside tons of physical abuse. As time progressed, the abuse got better but I’m in college now and since I’m home my body is subconsciously always in fight or flight. I can hear footsteps coming upstairs and I freak out. My parents don’t ever acknowledge what happened in the past and there hasnt been any type of apology or talk about it.
my dad still despises me though, and I don’t know why. I haven’t heard him tell me he loves me or is proud of me or anything similar in probably 15-20 years, which kinda sucks. I’m not one to gloat, but I’m getting a good degree and i’ve been working full-time during school and internships over the summer. I’m really trying to excel career-wise. but if I mess up at all, like my room is messy or I forgot to move over laundry he explodes on me telling me I’m worthless. if I cry he tells me I’m weak. plus, he thinks that any type of mental illness is a complete lie, so all he does is put me down when I talk about the possibility of going to therapy. It’s really gotten to me over the past year to the point that I avoid going home and just try to stay on campus to not be home. I really want to move out because I genuinely think that maybe having somewhere where I can relax would help me alot emotionally/mentally. I’m so high strung being here its hard for me to even eat/sleep anymore, and I think I’m headed back into a depressive episode.
But I’m too scared because I know if I do so my parents will take me off their health insurance and I can’t pay for that alongside tuition and rent (plus I got hit by a semi a few weeks ago.. my car is totaled and insurance gave me such a small amount of money, so I’m trying to save up for a car as well.) I just really need advice on what to do. I know I should probably just put up with it for another year but mentally I’m so exhausted, I don’t know if I can. I can’t take out anymore loans either because I really don’t want to be in too much debt coming out of college.
thanks in advance for any advice you can give!
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Congrats on doing so well at college!
Your home life sounds rough… but you should be proud of yourself for keeping going with your studies and doing well.
It’s easy for me to say “it’s just another year, stick it out”… but you’re mentally exhausted and under stress. A year is a very long time to be subjected to that behaviour.
And it’s just as easy for me to say “move out!” but you have financial concerns and worries and health worries that mean that’s scary. I can say “it’ll sort itself out eventually” because you know what, most things do… but that’s generally with the hindsight of looking back.
I could suggest talking to your college – do they know any sources of affordable accommodation or grants or bursaries that might be able to help or scholarships or funds you can apply for – but I’m guessing you’ve done that.
What I can say is that you will deal with this. And how do I know that? Because you have dealt with this so far. I’m sorry your dad isn’t giving you the love and praise you deserve – maybe he’s damaged or maybe he’s just awful, it’s not fair but this is who he is. He’s unlikely to change now, so you just need to keep doing what you’re doing, acing your own life so you get the better future you so rightly deserve.
That is . . . a lot, and I don’t have much advice for the central issues in your post. But I am going to strongly suggest that you contact a lawyer immediately regarding your accident if you haven’t. The person who hit you (or probably their insurance company) should be paying for all of your medical bills and expenses. Personal injury attorneys usually work on what’s called a contingency basis. That means you don’t need to pay them any money up front. They take their fees as a percentage of whatever settlement or judgment they are able to obtain for you. I won’t sugar coat it, it’s usually a pretty hefty percentage, like 20-30% but they do negotiate with that in mind. (Source: I used to be a paralegal working in a related area.)
Do not wait to get a lawyer. The sooner they can start protecting your interests, the better. In the event that you do get a settlement, I would suggest putting that money somewhere your parents can’t access it. Your own account, at a bank where they don’t have any accounts. If you don’t have that already.
I’m presuming you’re in the US based on the insurance talk, and my suggestions above apply to the US. I don’t know about other countries. Additionally, if you are in the US and your parents take you off of their insurance, and you are not eligible for your own insurance through an employer, you should be eligible for a marketplace plan. For someone in your position, you would probably receive the maximum amount of tax credits, so the cost to you would likely be minimal. (I recently helped my sister, who is 24, apply for a marketplace plan, and there were multiple options with zero premiums at all. I think she ended up going with one that has a small monthly premium because the overall benefits were better. But she had several good options.) You do not need to wait for open enrollment to apply. You can do so as soon as your parents remove you from their plan (or even before, which I would suggest. Whenever they take you off, that will most likely become effective on the first of the following month. If you know this ahead of time, you can go ahead and apply for plans starting on that date.
Can you find a third space like a library or coffee shop where you can spend some time studying or relaxing?
Maybe just an hour or two a day of peace.
🌼