I (26F) got engaged to my partner (29M) about a month ago. I asked when it happened to wait until we took nice photos of us to announce it and it just happened to take a few weeks. The weekend before the two of us went on a float trip with my friends and their partners. My partner doesn’t drink, often feels uncomfortable being in large groups of people drinking, and isn’t a fan of one of my friend’s fiancé but went so I wouldn’t be alone. We had a spat over it the morning of but tried to just enjoy the day. Halfway through the float I had to get on the other raft and about ten minutes later he stopped everyone to grab me from the other raft. It didn’t look pretty and I was enraged the rest of the time. We managed to work things out peacefully once we were alone but again no one saw that part. Two of my friends asked me a few days later and I explained how we had worked it out, how my behavior drunk was also a problem on the trip, and he apologized for stepping over the line. Fast forward to yesterday, I knew announcing our engagement would elicit some not great feelings but two of my closest friends responded with harsh paragraphs on how they can’t be happy for me and why they think I’m making a mistake. The level of their responses is what has shocked me and made me question everything. I love my partner and while yes we argue it’s never gotten physical and typically we resolve it within the day. He’s helped me grow so much and I want to do it for him as much as I want that for myself. I made a commitment to him and I will always honor that. We have a concert coming up soon with them and now I don’t even know if they’ll talk to me. Am I blind to my partner or do they just not know him well enough?
(Some additional background; I moved in with my partner in January- 1.5 hours from where I was living. My friends and I used to work together so for a long time I saw them more than my own family and that hasn’t been the case obviously. My friends also haven’t visited me up here but I’ve gone down there as much as possible to see them. My partner and I have had one other large fight- over the other friends fiancé (she has not said anything about our engagement) and his behavior towards me in front of her. My partner thinks is disrespectful to the both of us.)
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Can you explain why he grabbed you off of the other float? You kinds skipped over that and it’s really the main part of the story.
Do you complain about your partner to your friends? My gf is always complaining about her husband on our ladies nights out and that’s the only side of him we see. Of course, our opinion of him will be biased and we know in our hearts that they are compatible on some level, but we are all left feeling like there isn’t much worth supporting.
The same could be true for these friends
People who have cared about you for a long time think this man has ill intent towards you. I would not dismiss that. Arguing a lot is not normal, even if it’s resolved within a day. Grabbing you, like physically putting hands on you, is never, ever acceptable. It sounds like you’ve excused a lot of bad behavior and tried to put the blame for his choices on yourself. Be cautious, listen to your friends.
It sounds to me that your friends don’t like your fiancé, because you are moving on with him and they don’t like it that. They view it as he is breaking up the group. Your fiancé is right that they are disrespectful to both of you. I know it will be hard, but I would start looking for new friends. I feel that your current friends will try to tear you guys apart.
Good luck
I think you’re underplaying how bad or frequent these fights are when they seem to happen every time your friends see you. And if they only seem to happen with this level of drama when you’re hanging out with your friends, you should really ask yourself why your partner is going out of his way to drive a wedge between you and them. Or whether you’re really going to be happy for the rest of your life with someone whose idea of how to socialize is so radically different from yours.
At minimum, I’d be less concerned with ensuring your fights don’t last longer than a day and hash these issues out for however long it takes to make sure they’re resolvable before you get any deeper into wedding planning. And I’d seriously consider seeing a therapist on your own for a gut check on whether he’s actually “helping you grow,” or trying to mold you into his idea of a suitable partner regardless of whether that’s the person you want to be.
You seem to have glossed over details that might be pertinent to the situation.
Like why does your fiance no longer drinks? Why did he grab you from another raft during a float party? Why does he not like your friend’s fiancé ?
after multiple reads, i have no idea what happened.
“while yes we argue it’s never gotten physical”
Mind-blowing that this is your yardstick, and probably indicative of why your friends have launched such a strong effort to wake you up.
Friends know us, sometimes better than we know ourselves. Good friends have no ulterior motives, just our happiness and success.
These people are telling you that marrying this man is a mistake. And I’ll be honest, from just the little you’ve written about him here, he sounds like a dickhead.
He’s helped you grow? Great, good for you. You don’t have to marry him to thank him. Marrying someone because you said you would is all-time stupid. You say yes for the right reasons – the right reason is never “because I said I would”.
Talk to your friends. Don’t dismiss what they’re saying without exploring it.
Sounds to me like your friends have been witness to or heard about situations with your fiancé that are concerning.
Based on your follow up comments about the raft trip? That’s a huge red flag. So is frequent arguing. Saying “it never gets physical” is not a positive—that’s a basic dealbreaker.
It’s not very common for multiple people to chime in about a relationship negatively unless there are some glaring issues. Maybe your friends are seeing things you aren’t through some kind of love blindness.
Why did you “have” to switch rafts halfway through before your fiance brought you back to his raft?
If the dude doesn’t have the awareness to ask you nicely to come back to his raft, rather than making an ugly scene in front of your friends, then he’s a walking red flag. 🚩