Can anyone relate? I need some advice. I am on my 2nd platonic male friend who came to me with advice on their dating situation, then they reveal to me they were acting out NiceGuy behavior with the woman, and she gets upset with him. Every time, I’m thinking “dang I’m with the woman on this one”
The latest one is tricky because because we’ve been friends for 20 years. I used to look up to him for wisdom and support because he’s very spiritual, he got me into meditation, and we had our field of study in common. He might be on the spectrum, he’s sweet but naive for his age, and doesn’t read social cues very well.
We help each other a lot. On my birthday, he took me out to dinner before the party, he helped set up and clean up at the venue when I was drunk and tired and wanted to go home. I couldn’t have done it all without him. But at the end of the night when he drove me home, he asked if I wanted a “birthday kiss”. I got out of it by loudly/exaggeratedly air kissing, which is how I get out of any man inappropriately wanting to kiss me.
I did not expect this from him—he’s never done it before, and at the time he told me he was dating a woman from his work. Later it turns out, they weren’t in fact dating at all. They had struck up a daily texting friendship, and he completely misread her signals of disinterest in romance. (She told him outright “I don’t date coworkers”)
When it came to a head with her, he showed me her texts about how she never saw it romantically. I told him he can’t remain friends if he has such strong feelings. He told me he would, and he still wanted to help her with her grad school applications and there might be a possibility of romance with her down the line. Her texts were growing increasingly angry and I said “You need to back off. She’s setting a boundary. This is why I said don’t keep helping her because women can tell when there is an ulterior motive and it makes them uncomfortable.”
I lost respect for him, tbh, and now get irritated by his reaching out to make plans. I don’t want him helping me anymore. It’s like I’ve gotten “the ick” for even being friends with him at all.
I don’t think our friendship can continue this way, but part of me feels bad pushing him away because of all he’s done for me in the past. I don’t want him out of my life completely, but not sure what next steps to take.
Comments
Kudos for you for holding fast to your integrity and values despite having known this friend for years. It sounds like maybe you’re seeing a side of him that doesn’t respect boundaries that you’ve never seen before that he’s only shown that to his romantic partners and interests :/
This shouldn’t be a matter of respect. He doesn’t seem to understand boundaries and that’s a problem. I wouldn’t hang out with someone like this regardless of respect.