I (F37) lost my best friend (F35) about 3 years ago after a long downward spiral. We had been inseparable for over 20 years, like sisters. Then COVID hit. While I found new ways to cope, she became consumed by a toxic situationship with C. (M36) that took over her life. I was dragged into their daily chaos, but when I hit my own breaking point with burnout, a breakup and later an abusive relationship, she wasn’t there for me.
The final straw was when she chose to stay friends with the man (M38) who abused and stalked me. She even started referring to him publicly as her “brother from another mother.” For decades, I was the one she called her sister, the person closest to her outside of family. Seeing her use that kind of language for him, after everything he had done to me, felt like a knife in my back.
That betrayal ended our friendship. We had one last conversation where I told her that friendship, to me, means loyalty and having each other’s backs. She told me that since her relationship with C, she only chooses for herself now and won’t let anyone, not even me, tell her who she can be friends with. That was the moment I knew the foundation of our friendship was gone.
It’s been almost 3 years. I’m now happily married to my husband (M31), have supportive friends and a good life. But losing her feels like losing a piece of myself. She was part of my life for so long that even now I still dream about her weekly and every memory still stings. I don’t want her back, but I can’t seem to stop grieving her.
(For the full background story with details, see my profile.)
How do I process the grief of losing a friendship that defined me for so long?
How do I let the pain fade, stop her from haunting my dreams and learn to remember without it hurting?
Has anyone else gone through something similar?
How did you handle the loss of a lifelong best friend, not wanting them back, but still grieving them years later?
TL;DR: Me (F37) and my best friend (F35) were inseparable for 20+ years, but toxic cycles, betrayal and conflicting values ended it. It’s been almost 3 years, I’m happily married now and don’t want her back in my life, but I still grieve her and feel pain. Looking for advice on how to move on and heal from the loss of such a defining friendship.
Comments
I’m really sorry you went through that, losing someone who was like family can hurt just as much as a breakup. It makes sense you’re still grieving, because she was such a huge part of your life and identity. Healing takes time, but one thing that helps is treating it like any other kind of loss: allow yourself to grieve, but also create new meaning and memories with the people who truly support you now. The dreams and pain will fade with time, but it’s okay to carry love for who she was while also accepting she’s no longer the person you need in your life
I divorced from my best friend of 25 years. Was super hard and I grieved for years. One day I out of the blue it bothered me that I was investing time into someone who had walked away from friendship and I just stopped grieving. Just like that. Now, the memories have faded and continue to be replaced with new friendships and experiences. Time heals, and it helps if place great value on the present.