TL;DR: 51M (2 grown kids) dating 40F (3yo, 7yo kids). Love is real, sex amazing, but I’m in a season where I want freedom and peace. She can be emotionally reactive, often controlling/manipulative, and I feel like I’m being monitored. Friends and family say it’s unhealthy. Not sure how much longer I can ignore what my gut is telling me.
I’m a 51M with two grown kids (21 and 18). I’ve been in an on-and-off relationship with a 40F for the past couple years. She has two young kids (3 and 8). I do love her — she’s gorgeous, charismatic, and the physical connection we have is unreal. When it’s good, it’s really good — but the lows are really low.
I was married for a long time (we met when we were 18), and now I’m in a very different season of life. I finally have freedom — a remote, high-paying job, time to travel, dream about building a small retreat in the woods, and space to nurture relationships with my adult kids. As much as I care about her and her kids, I just don’t feel excited or energized about raising a young family again (even part-time).
She says I don’t need to be a “dad” to her kids, but realistically, young kids require time, emotional energy, and presence. And she tends to reinforce the blended family expectation pretty strongly.
There are other issues too. She can be emotionally reactive and controlling. She’s accused me of hiding her if I don’t post her on Instagram, questions what I “like,” or if I’ve “hearted” her stories. If I don’t respond quickly to texts or FaceTime, it can spiral. It feels like I’m under constant digital surveillance, and at times I question my own reality — like I’m being gaslit.
My friends and family — the people who know me best — don’t think this relationship is healthy. They’ve voiced concerns about manipulative or narcissistic patterns that I’ve also have seen for a long time. And while I deeply care for her and her kids, I feel like I’m holding back, and that’s not fair to any of us.