I am a f22 and a month ago I had the courage to leave my boyfriend (m30) after a 3 year relationship. Rationally I know I did the right thing by leaving him, but I have obsessive thoughts that torment me every day.
Our relationship was unbalanced:
He said he loved me but had no sexual desire towards me.
We had a long distance relationship for 9 months and he didn’t seem to have any desire towards me and it happened that for 3 months we didn’t do it. When I tried to talk about it, he got really angry and said that the more I talked about it the worse it was.
He said that “making love was a favor he was doing me” or that “he didn’t need it”. He even told me that he felt forced to do it because it was as if I was expecting him to do it (especially if we hadn’t seen each other for months).
When we lived in the same city, and had a free house, he didn’t even look for him. We watched movies or series and then said goodbye.
I had to come home at a certain time, and he knew it very well, but he put other episodes “wasting” the time we could have dedicated to other things.
He started not looking at me anymore, not even when I changed in front of him.
He wanted to go out most of the time only in a group, he made me understand that he only needed sweetness, and nothing physical.
He never spoke to anyone about our problem, not even his mother, as if it were a shame.
Even in the first year, when I took the initiative to tease him after passionate kisses, he got nervous and said that the more ready, eager and available I was, the more he lost desire.
In the end, I also turned off. I felt rejected, repressed, always at fault. I fought for a long time, but in the end I decided to end it.
And yet… I miss him. Or rather: he torments me.
I still ask myself:
Did he really love me?
Did he have problems with his sexual orientation or with sexuality in general?
Did I do something that made him feel pressured?
How can you say you love and never want to make love?
If anyone has experienced something similar, would you like to share it?
Or even just a tip to stop brooding.
Thanks for reading đź’”
Comments
I think even if you know you made the right decision there is always that what if especially in a relationship that lasted so long
It sounds as though he is A Sexual and that it isn’t about you, it about him.
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you just that he doesn’t have sexual feelings.
The key to moving on is accepting that it isn’t about you. That’s what is haunting you here.
You fell for someone you are not compatible with. It happens.
From what I’m hearing, it definitely wasn’t anything personal. He wanted to spend time with you, be around you, be romantic with you, etc, so yes he very likely loved you. But it seems like being intimate was simply not something he desired – not because of you, but in general. I know a few people like this, some of which openly identify as asexual and some of which just feel this way and don’t discuss sexuality. Intimacy means different things to different people. There are people that can’t have a relationship without intimacy. And there are others that never want it. It’s just personal preference and comfort levels. Feeling love/romantic attraction doesn’t require intimacy or sexual desire. It’s clearly something he wasn’t comfortable doing and didn’t want, but that’s no reflection on how desirable you are.
The important thing you need to remember is: that relationship was clearly incompatible because you both wanted different things, and you did the right thing by ending it. There are some things that are dealbreakers for people, and this difference between you was never going to line up. It can be hard to let go when questions like this come up, but this was not on you. It was nothing personal, it wasn’t because of you, it was simply how he felt and what he wanted. That’s okay, and it’s also okay that you couldn’t meet those preferences. You will find someone who meets you on your level, and you deserve that kind of mutual connection. For now, just take some time to let go of this and move forward ❤️
Unfortunately you two were not compatible sexually.
He could be religious and have been holding off sex, or he could just be asexual. Maybe he wanted until it was the right time. A lot of religious people hold off sex until after marriage
All of what he is saying and turning it on you is bullshit
He has erectile dysfunction. Simple pill can help.
Also bit addicted to porn. If he mastrubates to porn earlier that day he can’t do it with you.
Drinking cause increase in estrogen causing limp dick.
Some Men won’t agree to these things.
Simple test. Did you feel his hard dick when you are cuddling.
For Most men their dick would go up the minute their girl touches near the thighs.
He will come out of his shell when he finds the right women. It is just not you.
Is it possible he simply doesn’t find you attractive?
I have dated guys in the past who I didn’t actually find physically appealing. They were great people and I hoped that would be enough, but as time went on it became clear that wasn’t going to cut it.
GAY all the way… you were his attempt at a beard.
He was probably asexual. He loved you but you needed more than what he could provide. No shame in asking for what you want. Enjoy finding the next one