When someone hears the word ”but”, they assume something bad is coming their way. This might make them defensive, and ignore whatever it is that you’re trying to communicate.
Instead, reframe the sentence with ”and”:
I like your idea, but it needs some more work
I like your idea, and it can be even better with some work
or
I understand what you’re saying, but I disagree
I understand what you’re saying, and I see it differently
or
You made progress, but you missed the target
You made progress, and you’ll know what to improve to hit the target next time
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“You’re making good progress, assistant surgeon Steve, and you can be even better if don’t leave scissors inside someone’s body”
Like this?
A period also works here and so does putting the negative before the but.
“I like that idea. We do need to polish it a little more, but once we have the execution figured out I’m all for it!”
This is also great advice if you struggle with saying “um” in conversations. I’ve retrained myself to say “and” when I’m talking to a client when there’s a lull. It’s a hard habit to break, but once you start saying “and” when you would say “um” it retrains your brain to have something of value to say instead of sounding unprofessional.
I’ve definitely heard this tip before, but I’m not 100% on board with it. Sometimes a “but” just makes more sense, you know? This might sound nit-picky, but I think it’s okay to use “but” when you’re truly pointing out a contradiction or a conflict or when there’s a clear tradeoff involved. Not every situation can be turned into a positive one with an “and.” I get where you’re coming from with not wanting people to get all defensive, but sometimes it’s really about how you deliver criticism with your tone, body language, or over text, the way you follow up with an offer to help after saying your “but.” There’s something to be said for being straightforward too. Plus, knowing the right time to use each word can make you sound more genuine instead of like you’re trying to sugarcoat everything. Maybe it’s a balance thing? I dunno; just a thought.
You’re an asshole and I like you.
Not just in the case of constructive criticism. “And” is warmer, friendlier and often more in line with what people are actually trying to say!
One of the first things taught in dialectic behaviour therapy (DBT) 👌
I can tell you’ve been doing your squats! Your And is fantasic!
Now before I open my mouth I double check my cheat sheet to make sure I don’t say anything inappropriate according to daily LPT.
…. ngl, this is looking way too deep into mere word choice IMO.
“You need to get your big fat and in gear.” Yeah, that works, thanks.
No ‘ifs’ in apologies and no ‘buts’ in compliments.
” shove the damn reports up your andt.”
This is actually for objection handling in communication, I remember hearing it in one of Tony Robbins early seminar tapes on NLP (yes, tapes lol), as using ‘but’ adds a limitation to the message you’re communicating.
eg
‘I want to see a movie, but I have to study’ – shuts down being able to see the movie by creating a limiting belief that because of having to study, you can’t see a movie. Your mind wont negotiate for it, it programs a limiting belief and creates the negative association that study = cant do anything else when you have tk study.
‘I want to see a movie, and I have to study’ – your mind consciously and subconsciously negotiates a way to make both of those things work, you think more positively about study and no limiting beliefs are created.
Super fascinating how changing some words in lines of communication can have drastically different outcomes in your life
It feels infantilizing. Why isn’t the onus on the person taking the criticism to not take it personally or think something bad is coming their way?
Solid advice. “And” keeps the conversation open; “but” shuts it down before it starts. Small tweak, big difference.
I feel like this is the sort of corpo speak they teach at MBA programs
I’ve also heard that when you add but, people forget what your said previously as well. I’ve tried to drop it from my writing and Vocab unless I want that effect to happen
I see you’ve really been working on your lessons and I’ve been thinking it’s too much.
You have a really nice house and I think you can’t afford it.
Your kid is really energetic and I think he doesn’t have focus.
‘And’ just makes the first part a criticism too.