So… to save a long read, i am going to try and summarise the problems i have been experiencing the past 2/3 years.
Me and my partner have been together 4 and a half years. We started out fantastic, best relationship we could have asked for. Things started to slow down naturally as they do, and this is not a problem for me.
Fast forward 3 years of decline in intimacy levels and all round… eagerness or ambition if you will from her side.
I have not been touched intimately in over a year maybe longer from her, it’s just at a point of point blank refusal, nor will she let me be intimate with her. Im at a point where she will only allow Missionary, maybe once a month, And refuses to talk about it.
She is now pushing for marriage, and the questions are flying in from her family and close friends as to why i am not yet proposing.
Any help would be appreciated. I have trued talking to her many many times, and i get fewer results every time. She is not open to try new things, or different dynamics. Its left me conflicted, confused and frustrated. However, my partner seems completely unbothered and not bothered that its playing on my mind.
TIA
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You said she refuses to talk about it, well that’s a problem. If you can’t problem out together then you’re not right for each other. When it comes to marriage, you work on a problem together and solve it together. If you can’t do that when you’re just dating then that will be a foreshadow of things to come if you end up getting married. A lot of people get divorce because they can’t solve problems together
How many times has she brought up marriage, and in what way? Did she ever express she wanted to be married by a certain age? This could be the issue.
She may have pulled back from intimacy because she is unsure of your relationship. I am sorry. Also when you mention intimacy are you meaning that she doesn’t even ever touch you, not even like an arm around your shoulder, a head lain on your chest, a kiss–nothing–or do you mean intercourse only?
Do not marry someone you’re not compatible with. Do not marry someone that you currently have issues with that are so serious, they’d warrant marriage counseling if you were married already.
It’s a delicate topic for men to broach with women, I get that. But you need to have the conversation straight on. If she won’t even discuss it with you, she’s telling you that your need for intimacy is not something she can or will meet.
The reasons why aren’t important if she won’t even discuss with you. Communication is a core piece of every successful marriage.
Part of the dating process is to figure out if the person is the right fit for a life partner.
Do me a favor do not marry her, she is neglecting you in a big way. If you were to marry you will end up in a dead bedroom. And that can really hurt your mental health, you’ll feel rejected and unwanted. Don’t let her family and friends pressure you for marriage especially because she refuses to talk about the issues with you. You simply do not match and I think your romantic relationship has died altogether. In your shoes I would bail out and leave her I think that is what you need to do. You relationship has gone stale and run its course. You need to end it since she’s not prepared to listen to your needs.
if she won’t talk about it, you can’t try to fix it together. do not marry into this. intimacy is important! you’re young … it may be time to leave
Do NOT marry her. You missed a bullet with that one.
Especially if she will not discuss it.
These situations don’t get better especially if there’s no communication and a real effort to change it. She has the right to not have sex with you of course. But in a monogamous relationship, assuming thats what you have, she’s taking away the one thing only she can give you. And it’s not like it’s just a piece of candy. Why on earth would you marry her??? Why does she think she can do that to you and expect you to still want to marry her???
Sexual intimacy can change over time back and forth. But for this long? And her refusal to even discuss it while pressuring you to commit in marriage on top of that shows a complete lack of regard for you and for what marriage means, and even the skills you’ll need to navigate challenges in marriage.
So yeah. You also have the right to not marry her or into a dead bedroom no matter what kind of pressure her or her family put on you.
Do not settle for that. She can go find someone else who doesn’t want sex and intimacy. That would be compatibility. And you can find someone else who understands its importance in a relationship. It might seem harder to break up now. But you will regret it and more likely lose more when the marriage breaks down. Besides you’re both still young.
Go checkout the dead bedroom subreddit. Don’t say you were not warned.
My experience, and it’s just my experience. People that shy away from sex in the way you’ve described your girlfriend often have experienced sexual abuse.
Sex and intimacy can be a trigger for them. And it’s hard for them to talk about.
Hot take but this is part of the reason you shouldn’t have sex before marriage. You should marry her because you love her without sex, then work on sex together as a couple because now you might have ruined your entire relationship based off sex.
Focusing for a moment just purely on the intimacy side. Generally speaking, intimacy usually drops off after marriage, not before.
It is likely once married, your intimacy will decline further.
Just think about that.
Go over to the sub here on Reddit for dead bedrooms. You’ll see what your future is like