I (33M) recently went through a breakup with my girlfriend (30F) after a long and emotionally intense relationship. There’s one specific night I can’t stop thinking about, and I’m having a hard time processing it or moving on.
We had a serious argument while out at a bar. She stormed out and left me with a $300 bill, which I paid before going after her. When I found her, just minutes later, she was standing on the street drinking and laughing with two men she had just met. I was still trying to de-escalate and reconnect after the fight, but when I asked her to come back to the hotel (which I had booked and paid for), she refused and stayed out with them.
Hours later, those same guys came back to the hotel with her. She ignored me, and one of them tried to follow her up to our room. I absolutely lost it and almost hit the guy. Glad I didn’t but I was close.
I was standing there, feeling completely invisible, betrayed, and humiliated. I didn’t know where she was for ages, her phone died earlier in the evening. I was worried, hoping we could talk. To see her walk in with them and act like I wasn’t there was devastating.
Since then, I’ve tried to talk about how that night affected me, but the conversation always gets flipped onto how I reacted afterward. I was definitely angry, and I said things I regret. And when it’s been brought up, I have been angry and we’ve had multiple arguments about it. But what hurts most is that my feelings about that night seem to get brushed off or dismissed completely. She says she “did nothing wrong,” and has called me a “drama queen”, said I was jealous and controlling, and refuses to read anything I’ve written about how it impacted me. Honestly, I think she was looking for a distraction from the argument, and she didn’t know the way back to the hotel (obviously she could have just come with me), but I don’t actually think she had any intention of doing anything or the guys actually coming to the room, but even so, I just find it so disrespectful on so many levels.
I’m starting therapy and working on rebuilding myself, but I still feel stuck on this. I don’t want to carry this pain into future relationships, but I don’t know how to move past something that feels so unresolved. I’ve even since apologised for my reaction which I know seems like I’m giving in, but I thought maybe it would be an olive branch to at least see how hurtful and disrespectful her actions were.
I even offered therapy to try and get through this. I just don’t understand how someone can’t see or admit accountability and it’s absolutely driving me insane.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? How did you work through it? Any advice for letting go of unresolved hurt when the other person won’t acknowledge your side?
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So I’m guessing when you guys fight, she deliberately finds ways she knows will hurt you?
she knows what it looked like, and you don’t really know WHAT her intent was. And the way she’s trying to dismiss it and your feelings. Ew.
This is how she handles conflict/stress in the relationship – finds other men.
i’d be out.
Move on. She is mistreating you and will continue.
If she is your EX, why are you doing this to yourself?even after the breakup you are letting her abuse you. Stop it.