My husband and I have had issues with his family for the past 2 years (married one year). It would take me an entire day to sum up everything that’s happened, but essentially they have massive control over him and are unhappy that he is married to me (lots of digging for reasons to dislike me).
I have been a bit more open to the idea of mending the bridge with them because I know it’s important to my husband as they are all very close. We started with his brother and sister in law as I have only met them once due to them living across the country. We did a phone call with them and it was going really well until his brother started mentioning major inconsistencies in events that have happened. Example A: We were going to my FIL house for Christmas. My SIL is who I have the most conflict with. Husband drops on me in the car that she is there. I told him I was obviously uncomfortable, but we were already on the way and mine as well face it head on- plus it is her fathers house so I can’t say she can’t come, it would be wrong. We get there and I wait for her to show up the entire time. Husband says to me as we leave that she decided not to come. Turns out he called her when we got there and told her that I did not want her to come because I’d be uncomfortable. Naturally, this creates reason even further for her to hate me, because my husband decided throwing me under the bus was a a better move. His brother called him out for lying and husband admitted he did it to prevent conflict.
Example B: I sent my SIL a text a few months ago explaining my side of things. It was direct, but not overtly harsh (no name calling etc). Husband read it before I sent it. When SIL got the text, she called husband immediately crying. He says he didn’t say much. BIL said during our phone convo “But you told SIL that you did not read the text beforehand and that it was very screwed up of your wife to send that”. Again, placing blame on me to prevent any backlash onto himself. Those are the 2 biggest examples I can give, but there’s a whole pile of more that he had been dishonest about.
I know he is non-confrontational to a fault but to me, this is past that. This is a huge betrayal in my eyes and to be frank, a major breach of trust. When I confronted him once we were all off the phone, he admitted that he is scared of both losing me and also disappointing his family. I have no words for him right now and feel beyond hurt.
We do have an upcoming appointment with a marriage counselor but I could use any and all advice right now. Has anyone been through anything relatable? My mind is a mess. Things are obviously going to have to change in a major way.
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I would suggest planning ahead to exit this marriage because there is no way your husband doesn’t understand that he is throwing you under the bus.
I can’t understand anything you were trying to explain.. 🤷🏻♀️ Good luck OP
And what was his response when you pointed out to him that if he doesn’t stop throwing you under the bus to save himself, he is going to lose you?
You are his family unit now, first and foremost. And he’s not only deprioritizing your general comfort, he’s actively throwing you under the bus to protect his own.
It’s good you have a counselling session coming up, but… this is his family and he needs to solve this at his own expense, not yours.
Why do you have so much conflict with everyone? Seems to me like you have a husband problem and taking it out on everyone else.
Without knowing why you have “conflict” with your sister-in-law it’s hard to know whether she’s a monster or you’re perhaps overly sensitive. But couple’s counseling is where two emotionally healthy individuals can learn to communicate more effectively. It’s not a great place for working out your own stuff. So you might want to consider some talk therapy on your own as you go through this joint counseling. Accepting that you’re stuck with your in-laws, because they’re not going anywhere, and learning how to cope, ignore and rise above it is often essential in being able to keep a marriage together. Unless you’re inflexible to the point where you’d divorce over this.
I would struggle to cope with that I think. It feels like a huge betrayal to me to, so please don’t doubt your feelings. You can’t rely on him, and it feels a bit like he is intentionally stoking the issue between you and sil, but passing it off as avoiding conflict. The only conflict seems to be what he is creating.
Doesn’t sound like an issue with his family, but with your husband. Marriage counseling overdue.
You cannot realistic build a life with a man with such a lack of character. Don’t set your life up for failure.
Omg. He is a devious manipulative liar. Scary.
Does he actively want his family to hate you? That is the family drama he is creating with them when he lies to them about what you say or do. You now know he is not a person to trust with your inner thoughts. How does that make him feel?
His default to anything is lying. Not much maturity there. I don’t think you have a husband. You have a little boy.
Your husband doesn’t seem to like you much. He is sabotaging you while wanting y’all to be close? hmmm
He is A LOT. OP you’re a better person than I because after the first few lies, I’d be gone. Bro isn’t going to change. He’s probably the major reason his family doesn’t like you.
Girlfriend, just quit trying and plan your escape.
Your husband has been lying to you about how he portrays you to his family. Whatever issues his family has with you (and you with them) now have to be viewed through the lens of his dishonesty. Whatever he has told you about them is in question because you now know what he tells them about you is lies.
Hopefully your therapist can help you determine if this relationship can be salvaged because this level of betrayal is divorce worthy. I am wondering if he has acknowledged that fact.
You husband sucks and I suspect he has done this A LOT more than he’s admitted to you and it’s why she hates you
You married a limp dick. He’s too scared to upset mommy and daddy so he repeatedly throws you under the bus. He would rather they be upset with you than to defend you. He doesn’t respect you. This is not a healthy marriage. I doubt marriage counseling will help. He’s too weak and won’t ever stand up to mommy and daddy. This will forever be your life, is this how you want the rest of your life to look like? A man child that never stands up for you, never makes you a priority and throws you under the bus so he can please mommy and daddy.
He actively lied to make you look worse in the eyes on his family, who already hated you btw, just to save himself of an unpleasant conversation/moment… What is it to save?
This gave me the feeling that he wants his family approval AND a relationship with you, and apparently he thought he could please them by agreeing with them about you being the bad guy here? And you would never know?
I would advise you to choose yourself and leave, but best of luck in whatever you decide
You can try couples counseling but you should start putting an exit plan in place. It probably wouldn’t hurt for him to know that you are setting up a plan “B”, if counseling doesn’t work out.
Make sure you have separate accounts and credit cards. Start saving money for the inevitable divorce. Make sure you are using good birth control that he can’t mess with. It will be easier to leave if there are no children involved.
Communication is everything… and trust is everything.
He does not want tou close to his family. Knowingly or unknowingly.
Maybe rhe family hating you has something to do with how you were represented to them during your dating years.
You and him are the primary family, all elses comes in secondary and he does not seem to see that!
You need to ask yourself tough questions about tour relationship and in 10 years from now, knowing what you know now what it would look like.
In the event of a major conflict with others, would he throw you under the bus just to be avoidant?
Counselling, counselling and more counselling…
Your husband is a spineless loser who only cares about how HE looks in every situation: pack your shit & leave his weak ass!!!
He is setting you on fire to keep himself warm.
He is loyal to his family, not you. Your marriage is a sham.
He shouldn’t be married if he doesn’t understand what marriage requires.
Let your husband know you now need him to apologize to everyone he’s lied to. Otherwise he will enter the biggest conflict of his life… divorce.