Male 34, potential partnership with a woman (35) and toddler.

TLDR: We were both in a cult and left for different reasons, her for family/community, me for skill-building and financial security. I’m not used to having mutual support for growth in a relationship but acknowledge that it could be lifechanging. I’ve never been in a committed relationship before, and she has a lot more experience with this. Am I being irresponsible in considering acting as a father-figure to her child? She’s great at open communication. We support each other in many ways and she’s honestly teaching me a lot about life and love. We will always be friends, but what about a relationship?

I think I’m writing this both for clarity in myself and also for advice.

I’ve never really been in a committed relationship before and recognize that this can be a trauma response, stubborn independence, I’ve heard it called. I witnessed my parents go through a divorce when I was 6. I had trouble finding direction when I was in college and ended up dropping out. Interestingly, I was manipulated into joining a cult when I was 21, where I met the woman in question. I was involved for 9 years unfortunately. The group was very strict and anyone in a relationship was separated for “spiritual reasons”. Turns out the cult leader was coercing a lot of his younger, female students into having sex with him, but I’m digressing.

A group of 5 of us left the group about 4 years ago for different reasons. For me it was about finances, lack of practical skills and not being able to grow as a person while being under someone’s thumb. For her, it was about missing family and community. She met a guy soon after and they conceived a child. Unfortunately, she discovered that he struggled with violence and addiction. She left him and her mother moved in to help her with childcare so she can earn an income.

Professionally, I’ve had a hard time after getting out. I went into plumbing and learned a lot, but just feel like I have a hard time really being trained on certain equipment or being valued more than like $21.50/hr. I live in a “right to work” state, so unions aren’t really a thing. I also live with my mother!

This woman and I reconnected in the Spring and she has been able to be present for me in a way that nobody else has been able to. I feel so comfortable around her and have been able to share things with her that I haven’t shared with anyone else, including family members. We’ve also become intimate recently.

It’s interesting because we’re essentially great friends and lovers. Back when we were just friends, I got a lot of joy from helping out around her house with fixing things, garden projects, whatever. I think she really started longing for companionship and has been vocal in communicating with me about a committed relationship. For what it’s worth, I’ve also been longing for companionship and intimacy on all levels, but I’m just so used to doing everything alone. I’ve only read about how people in relationships are able to support each other to grow emotionally, spiritually, professionally, etc. and I want to give that a chance.

I think we both have our quirks and love each other as we are, while also wanting to be better. She’s had more relationships than I have and I think it’s been challenging processing all this. I actually binge ate a few times because I sort of feel like an ultimatum has been placed on me. That may be too strong of a word, because I know we’ll be friends regardless. It’s just been hard for me to tune into my own feelings. Ever since we reconnected, I confessed to her that it’s been hard for me to reconnect to my own desires/feelings/goals since getting out of the cult. Up to this point in our association, she has pretty much initiated everything and I’ve mostly matched the energy. We’re both attracted to each other and feel good around each other.

I’m getting more comfortable with difficult topics, most of which consist of things about money, career and being frugal because those are things I have a little more clarity on. One thing I definitely don’t have clarity on is if “faith in life” is enough to avoid poverty. If we were in a relationship, I would see myself as the primary father-figure to her child and I don’t know if I’m prepared for that. Is anybody prepared for that? How realistic is it to think that one or both of us can explore new career options while raising her child?

I don’t think she’s codependent at all, but it might seem like that to me at times because I’ve been hyper-independent and she’s just nourished in relationships. I feel so loved by her and truly reciprocate that feeling. I think maybe she just has more faith in life than I do? I literally left the cult we were in because I wanted to avoid dying in poverty and now I find myself facing another decision having to do with my financial well-being. I don’t know if I’m comfortable leaving this up to faith. Also, if we enter into a committed relationship, I think I’d be much less likely to want to have a second child.

I stay at her place some nights and don’t usually sleep well. We both feel that separate bedrooms would be a good idea, but that’s literally not an option of either of us right now. Although if I’m inclined to commit to her and her child, her mother would likely choose to move elsewhere.

I’d really appreciate any insight that anyone may have on this situation. Obviously, nobody can tell me what to do, but I still value the opinions of others. What she and I have is really good, but I wonder if I’m taking on more than I can handle. She’s incredibly emotionally intelligent, she’s literally made me want to be the best version of myself from the moment we met many years ago. Please, any advice you can offer is greatly appreciated! Thank you all so much for reading!

Happy Sunday!