There’s a much older man in my work office(guessing he’s 50-60)giving me(23 F) unwanted and unreciprocated attention. It started when I said good morning to a coworker, and he thought I was talking to him too. He responded with “Good morning, sweetie,” which I didn’t like, so I didn’t respond.
Since then, he’s been walking all the way over across the office to my desk every morning to say good morning. He always taps on my desk when he does it, and sometimes throws in a “sweetie” or “lady.” I don’t know him, and I don’t want to know him lol. It makes me uncomfortable, especially because I’ve noticed he stares at me every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
I don’t know if I should say something directly to him or go to my manager, but they’re both men, and that makes me hesitate a little. I don’t know how to explain my intuition and he just gives me the creeps. Also, sometimes I’m in deep into my work and he completely throws me off by barging up tapping and talking. I get to the office early to work in silence. I just want him to stop. Does anyone have any advice? I’d really appreciate it
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Are there more people at work, specifically women? And if so, think you could talk to them to see if this is something he’s done before?
Also from what you’ve seen, does your manager seem to be reasonable or you think there’s chances he sides with the older man instead?
Ask him to stop.
document, document, document.
document the day you asked him to stop, then document every time he fails to do so.
if it continues, bring it up to HR
I would tell your manager he is a “chatty cathy” and it is disrupting your work.
Edit: he is a creep and you wouldn’t have been the first woman he’d done this to.
You’ll have to say something to him. Start off with the tapping. He comes by, does the tapping, you’re deep into something; look up and say, “That’s so distracting.” He’ll either say sorry or make an excuse. If he taps again, say “That’s so distracting, I’m hoping you can stop.” Again? “Please stop the tapping.” I don’t think he’ll get past this.
If he switches to small talk, “Hey, I’ve got to do this XYZ, can’t talk right now.” “I really need to focus on work/project.” “Really don’t want to talk right now, sorry.”
Memorize a bunch of these phrases, practice saying out loud at home – this will help you respond more easily and not have to stand there thinking of what to say.
Also don’t be alone late at your work or with him the only other person. Be safe.
Do you have an HR department, approach them. If not , you will have to approach your boss .
I’d develop a strategy to let him
Know he’s being in appropriate, before doing it go to your manager to let him know your plan of action. But first draft an email to HR, just to document the situation, you can wait to send it until you see how supportive your manager is. If there is any hesitancy from your manager. Send the email to HR.
Then politely follow through with your plan. Maybe it is as simple as saying, “I have a name, it is Xyz, and I prefer to be addressed in that manner, especially in a place of business”. Or “you know I’m extremely busy, if you need something I’d prefer if you shoot me small email so we can schedule a time to chat.” “I’m sorry this is heads down time for me, do you mind?!”, “Wow I really don’t think it’s appropriate to call someone at work pet names”
You need to be polite, but firm and professional and be sure to say whatever it is loud enough that others near by can catch it.
If his behavior is bothering you, others are probably Also noticing it. Take back your power!
I would tell him directly to fuck off. Don’t be nice because men just think you’re playing hard to get or even being flirty. You don’t have to be rude but you should make clear that you don’t want to talk to him and that he should not approach you anymore. I know we’ve all been conditioned to stay nice and polite especially in work environments as women but honestly you need to set boundaries immediately otherwise this shit will never stop. Go to HR if you’re not comfortable doing it on your own but please don’t tolerate anymore disrespect from this guy. Good luck girl 💓
This guy wrote a book called, “Things you can say to piss off men”. Now I have a link to the author reading parts on YouTube. Some of these won’t work on him because he’s older. But I would put a list of these together and say them to him with a blank face while staring at his forehead. Then turn right back to your work. Also ask if he knows this guy that works there. Say he’s really old like 35 or 40.
https://youtu.be/Rqs2swEv0DA?si=ARZf8YwnwC0BHkBy
Could you memorize the “My name is Dorothy” speech from Tootsie? It’s likely he’s old enough to have seen that in the theater. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZY_I6q0okhI
You could start with something like “Over 40 years ago, when you were about my age, people knew the way you talk was wrong. It’s in the movie Tootsie. [ speech from movie ] And here we are, 40 years later, you’re still stuck in the Dark Ages, having lived so very many years and somehow you managed to learn nothing in all that time. That’s just sad.”
I would correct him next time he does this, and aay my name is “whatever is your name” not sweetie.