TL;DR: I’m trying to find closure and understand the lines of military ethics or UCMJ. I (46F) was in a relationship with a Marine (43M), stationed overseas. I’m not a servicemember. We met at a work-related event and dated mostly long-distance for 11 months.
- Throughout the relationship, he presented himself as divorced, with a healthy co-parenting relationship. Recently, he accidentally disclosed that the divorce is still not finalized. He said he didn’t tell me and “misspoke” because he feared losing me if I knew the truth. He clarified that they had separated into two homes 4 months before we met. I have been to his house, and he has shown me his soon-to-be ex’s home during a video chat when he went to feed the pets when they were out of town.
- When I asked what else he had omitted, he told me that three months into our relationship (we had agreed to exclusivity early on), he flew to a bachelor party after visiting me and paid for 2 lap dances for himself and additional lap dances for his friends. He didn’t tell me then because “you wouldn’t have liked it” and “that’s what guys do at bachelor parties.”
- Numb, I asked what else had been withheld. He said he went dancing the night I asked him to come over for emotional support. That night, he had told me he couldn’t because he was attending a friend’s birthday dinner and needed to drop off his ex-wife’s car for repairs the next morning. He said, “You told me you were going to bed when I checked in.” I waited until 11 p.m., so yes, I went to bed; it was a work night. He said he didn’t tell me because “we weren’t in a good place.”
We weren’t in a good place because, a few weeks before that (during the first week of my temporary assignment near him, which he had encouraged but was acting sus once I got it (hindsight 20/20)), he told me that the “girlfriend” title scared him. He said he didn’t want to call it a relationship; just “best friends” (who have sex). Two months before this, during a separate trip to visit him away from his duty station (at his suggestion), he had called me his girlfriend. He did not understand why I was no longer fun and playful, or why I was sad by the downgrade from “girlfriend” to “best friend.”
He didn’t pay for either of the two trips he took to visit me; he found training near me, so his travel could be covered officially. I paid for my travel to visit him. He also disappeared for one to four days without any communication, often around personal milestones I had shared with him, every few weeks.
I ended it after these bombshells, and I’m sure there’s more I’m not aware of. It’s been tough. I am trying to process it in a pragmatic and mature way. I’m not interested in retaliation, but I’m wondering if any of this would be inappropriate under USMC standards. Or is it just personal baggage that doesn’t rise to the level of concern for a commander?
I am stunned by how misrepresentation seemed to carry no consequence. I want his wife of 10 years to get what she is entitled to. I am not sure if I should find her on social media and reach out, or if that would be painful for her. He told me the reason the divorce is stalled is that he is unwilling to part with the assets. Any insight about USMC ethics, command expectations, or what actually matters in these situations would be appreciated. I do not want to impact his pension as he is about to retire. Keeping this anonymous out of respect for myself, his wife, and his kids.
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You’re gonna asphixiate if youre gonna hold your breath until you get an apology.
> I’m wondering if any of this would be inappropriate under USMC standards.
If he was cheating on his wife with you then yes.
Its not appropriate but its EXTREMELY common and widespread among all the different arms honestly. I would just cut my losses and go.
The “closure” comes from YOU, it comes from within.
I’m not sure what his position in the military has to do with any of this.
I’ve been there, well, not exactly like this, but you know how it goes. One moment they’re perfect, and the next… bam! Red flags everywhere. It’s maddening!
Don’t begin relationships with long distance. I am sure it works out for some, but it’s really hard to build a relationship, or feel any real sense of commitment to someone that you don’t have much history with.
This dude is not a good person. You shouldn’t care for an apology from someone who isn’t a good person. What value does it even hold?
>I ended it after these bombshells, and I’m sure there’s more I’m not aware of. It’s been tough. I am trying to process it in a pragmatic and mature way. I’m not interested in retaliation, but I’m wondering if any of this would be inappropriate under USMC standards. Or is it just personal baggage that doesn’t rise to the level of concern for a commander?
That’s edging on sounding creepy. Stop it. Don’t jeopardize someones professional life, for your temporary feelings. Yes, he is a jerk. Yes, he lied and treated you poorly. That really sucks. But, keep your personal lives personal. And professional lives professional.
You are suffering a loss. the only solution is time and reflection. Do the normal healthy breakup behaviors.
Leave the guy alone. Block all contact. The more he is out of your life. The sooner you can start to build back up a life without him being in consideration of any form.
You are the closure. Because you don’t want him anymore.
Sounds more like you are looking for revenge, not closure. As stated, you control closure. You are not together move on.
You’re seeking revenge. It’s not worth it. He isn’t a good guy and if you try to ruin his career. You might find out just how not good of a guy he is..
Yeah, he should have been clear that he was in the process of a divorce, not “divorced.” I can understand why he mischaracterized it early on, but he should have clarified when you started getting serious.
Lap dance at a bachelor party? Meh. Maybe I’m an outlier but this one is not really that big of a deal to me.
Getting his trips paid for? Smart. Maybe he could have offered to pay for part of yours but, but I wouldn’t trip over this.
The biggest red flags here are avoiding you when you need emotional support, getting spooked with relationship titles, and going radio silent for days at a time. This indicates an avoidant, emotionally immature man who is NOT ready to be in a relationship right now, and that’s all the closure you need, sis.
You will never get closure from them. Only you can do that. Please read this.
https://abbymedcalf.com/closure-what-it-really-is-and-how-to-get-it/
You’re 46 girl, come on. Get into therapy to figure out why you’re still with unhealthy men at this point
Veteran here: as for the military aspect, there is nothing you can do. You are not his wife. If the wife suspects he’s cheating only she can go to his chain of command for them to take any of that seriously. It carries more weight. I’ve seen enough people do their spouses dirty in the military and honestly it’s disgusting, but the punishment is a lot more severe.
You’re going to ruin someone’s career because you want closure or revenge?
This is personal baggage. Commanders have more things to worry than some marines messed up dating life. You want revenge because if you just wanted closure you’d confront him and move on, but you’re trying to ruin his life because he’s a shit bag human who could be a stellar marine.
Good Luck with that.
What is it you really want? Closure or revenge?
You’re bat shit crazy to try and go after the guys career for so little
Let’s recap
You were just a girlfriend, stop taking this so seriously you were long distance
He was separated from his wife, divorcing her, the key point is he wasn’t with her anymore
He went to a bachelor party and bachelor party things happened, you don’t own him so if you don’t like it walk away
He’s not your person to turn to, if you don’t like it, walk away
None of this is worthy of contacting his chain of command, you’d just be an annoyance to them
If you’re that displeased that you weren’t his everything, just walk away and don’t look back
He is a liar, why would you believe anything he had to say?
He is living his best single life, sleeping around and he is still not divorced from his wife. The fact that they are friendly enough for him to look after the house whilst she is away, makes me think that his wife might believe that they are in reconciliation mode.
Walk away and forget about him. He will never give you closure.
Updateme!
You get closure by blocking him on everything and move on. You “knew” him for 11 months (yet didn’t know him). He’s moved on and so should you. Use it as a learning experience. Grieve the person you thought he was, and then get back up on your horse.
Closure at 46. You can’t be serious
When he disclosed he wasn’t divorced officially, did you end the relationship or continue on? Do you feel a lap dance is cheating? Why would he be afraid to tell you? Have you overreacted to things in the past? Do either of you have a history of cheating or betrayal? Also, did he go dancing or to bed? I’m not clear by the text given, my apologies. If he did go dancing, who did he go with, and why hide it from you, good place or not, did he know it would hurt you or feel you’d overreact? Also, I understand your reaction to feeling like a girlfriend then being “demoted” to best friend. However, knowing he’s in this divorce process, I also see why it may scare him, he’s probably scared to lose you, which he explicitly mentioned as to why he didn’t mention the separation vs divorce. I think you both have some digging to do BUT I don’t see this man as being malicious, and even if so, I’m not the type of person to inflict karma, it comes around on its own. I wouldn’t tell the wife (especially if you stayed once you knew because you were complicit in it) and the divorce is between them two, not you three.