Long story short I’ve been married 6 months almost 7. The beginning of our relationship was amazing. Something I hadn’t experienced before. He surprised me with jewelry, we’d go on trips, he talked to me for hours. He even snapchatted an entire concert I wasn’t able to attend with him. He wrote me love letters, cards, etc. it was amazing. It’s like stuff I had begged for in the past all dropped in my lap.
Well fast forward to being married. The first 2-3 months it was ok but slowly things changed. The letters and cards stopped. No more jewelry but the one time. Any trips we took I pay for and plan. Valentine’s Day I got flowers and an incomplete card (still not completed) and that’s it. No dinner; no date, nothing. Well about 2-3 months ago he claims he’s depressed. Things have even happening in life, job, stress, etc. but now we hardly talk at all during the day. Half the time he comes home from work (he works 7-3) and he either 1. Plays games until bed time then wants to watch a movie and go to bed or 2. Just goes straight to sleep. About 1-2 times a week I’ll be lucky enough that he wants to hang out and we have sex.
We used to have sex everyday sometimes 2-3 times a day. Now it’s 2-3 times a week if that. And the quality is way less too. Maybe 1 of those times actually includes foreplay…
Anyways, I’ve had talks with him, I’ve asked him how I can support him, I’ve asked him to be more of a participant in the house. I work full time, raise kids (we both have kids) and take care of dogs, cook, clean, etc. he doesn’t help except maybe walk the dogs here and there. I also make more money and pay most of the bills. He contributes a little bit.
I’m miserable. I’m not even asking it to be how it was but it’s gotta be better than this?? I spend more time alone now then when I was single. He just has like given up. Idk. But he wants or seems to want nothing to do with me.
Today for instance, I made a big dinner and had it all set up. Etc. he came home and took a crap then went straight to bed. I went In there and asked him to at least move the clean clothes if he’s going to sleep and he said he’s not sleeping. Asked me if I was mad and I just told him I worked really hard today to make a nice dinner and clean the house and everything and he didn’t take 10 mins to even spend or see or nothing. He then yelled at me “what is it you want me to do?!” So I walked out and shut the door. That was it. When I got into bed myself a few mins ago he moved and turned his back to me and scooted away about a foot. It really hurts my feelings and idk what’s happening.
I started therapy again and my therapist explained lovebombing and emotional abuse etc.
I’m just so sad and disappointed but if I say anything then it’s my fault for not being understanding that he’s depressed…
I feel crazy and don’t know what to do anymore :/Thank you!
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Love requires presence, not just history, and if you keep carrying this alone, you’ll lose yourself trying to resuscitate what he’s not even fighting to save.
He was love bombing you in the beginning to create a trauma bond. Anyone with unhealed attachment trauma would see this as the “missing piece” or “soulmates” as it’s what they missed in their childhood. However, this is very fake and not love at all, so when they get you to make a big commitment, the mask comes off and they reveal their true self, what you are seeing now. You stay because you want to keep chasing that high of the love bombing – trauma bond, because it’s an addiction. I hope your therapist understands attachment theory so you can work on the core issue, get out of this marriage, and be able to find capable functioning partners.
you’ve painted a troubling picture. the drastic shift in his behavior raises red flags. it’s concerning that he seems to have withdrawn completely, especially after such an intense start.
while depression can impact relationships, it’s crucial to assess if he’s genuinely seeking help or just using it as an excuse. your feelings matter too, and you deserve more than this isolation. have you considered discussing boundaries or seeking couples therapy?
What were you expecting?
Didn’t read everything, all I know is you said 6 months married. Try ten years, four kids, and life happens and then we can talk. I feel entitlement written all over, life is not a fairy tail it’s war and its not easy you have to fight to keep what you love. Wish all the best!
What advice are you seeking?
The obvious answer here is that you married the wrong guy, for the wrong reasons, and now you need to decide what to do moving forward.
It’s obvious that he love bombed you, you probably got married prematurely. Look up ‘the honeymoon period’ — you’re now out of it. Those activities he did before were courtship niceties. Now that you’re married, he doesn’t feel that he needs to put in any effort. You’re locked in.
Get out while you can. Things will most likely not get better. Get the life you want.
It sounds to me as though he’s depressed and needs help. It’s good that you’re in therapy, but he’s the one who needs it IMO.
Nothing in your story suggests to me that he’s abusing you, it just seems as though his life completely deflated from what it was, and that suggests depression to me. Just my opinion, though.
Move on with your life because every minute you are in this marriage is a minute of your life wasted
Looks like the honeymoon is over. I think many men do this after they’ve made their catch. It could very well be that he’s depressed, but that doesn’t make you ignore your spouse normally. If he’s not willing to commit to counseling, we’re getting help via medicine or therapy. Then you’re going to have to decide if you’re willing to live like this for the rest of your life. You have to make the choice here. I’m sorry you’re going through this but good luck.
Is your home large enough for you to have your own room? Do you share the same bedroom or can you have your own space, at least until you both figure this out?
You don’t need to stay like this and you have more options than “move out”. Are you able to cook and plan just for yourself, giving him space, at least for a time?
One thing not mentioned is how long you have been with the person, I understand the start phase of the relationship, the giddy stage, love letters, sex constantly, talking for hours etc. That’s how most relationships are at the start.
people say about the 7 year itch for a reason, its due to people settling down into a pattern and forgetting to show love to the person they are with, sort of taking them for granted or “settling down”.
Relationships need work, constant work to keep it on track. having been in one for over 20 years (I’m still “young” enough)
Stress of everyday life affects relationships and sometimes the frustration is taken out on the other person, then its a battle of one venting frustration and the other venting back as they don’t want to listen to it.
Communication is key, but communication in the right tone and manner.
This significant other of yours has dropped the ball of a successful marriage. It seems like this person has grown tired and cranky. It seems like they aren’t taking all the responsibility that they should be. And recently, it’s has gotten much worse. This can only be due to instability in life.
There are many reasons why we can go sour. One, our diet. Two, our stress and financial worries can trigger bad times – if* we aren’t doing our part in life. When people get stressed, they turn to addictions to make themselves feel better – and consequently, their loved ones will suffer, especially if they can’t see what is causing all of this. Addiction and problems in life, most likely due to addiction, can be very detrimental – because not even the therapists with a PhD can properly diagnose the family issue.
Get an annulment.
Well this definitely sounds like marriage. All that stuff does stop over time. My husband used to leave out love notes for me to find before work. Now… on our anniversary I’ll find a sweet card or on my birthday but never “just cause” ….
Does he have adhd? You might have been his hyperfocus and now has cycled to a new dopamine focus and you’re seeing the anxious/depressed/weaponized incompetence side of him. Marriage only works if he works on it though. He’s got to pull himself out. You deserve to be in a loving, stable, healthy relationship with someone who is putting in the work in themselves and in the relationship.
How long were you together before getting married? Love bombing is the beginning of the relationship, not the beginning of the marriage (usually).
You were (are) a mealticket $$
“Pick better men” people say. But how are we meant to when they start out like yours did?
They act right for long enough and then show their true colours, are we expected to be psychic?
I felt this in my soul, I had this for 7 years. Started out camping, visiting beaches, random trips etc – ended me being the only one working plus doing all the housework, “I’m depressed you need to be more considerate”… kicked him out after he failed a month’s deadline to get a job.
It’s harder for you having kids but he will need to figure his shit out or find somewhere for him and his kids to go.
You are just a convenience for him.
He put on an act in order to trap you. This is who he really is.
Get a divorce. The person you’re married to is not who he pretended to be.
He’s just going to keep getting worse. Save yourself.
You’ve also posted saying you and your husband are bankrupt which seems pretty important to me… how can you seriously be complaining that he no longer frequently buys you jewellery when you’re either bankrupt or close to it and each have children you should be providing for as an absolute priority.
Everyone seems to be glossing over the fact that he’s going to bed at 4pm. He’s not sleeping, he’s sitting there ruminating until he eventually passes out. He’s not rainy day blues/ bad day at work kind of depressed, he’s clearly clinically depressed. Probably severely so.
He needs help. If you’re his partner you should be inclined to help him get it. When you’re depressed like that mustering up the ambition to get help for yourself can be close to impossible.
You shouldn’t spend the rest of your life fighting to make him help himself, but some insistence that he get to a psychiatrist and stick with it once he goes could be exactly what he needs right now. The guy you married is in there, but he’s trapped by the gravity of the black hole of his own psyche right now.
I’m not saying that relationships don’t slow down over time, of course they do. That’s inevitable. But this isn’t that, and the people saying that this is effectively his true colors are really glossing over how abnormal this behavior is.
dump him.
How long were you together before getting married?
I don’t see this asked anywhere…how long were you together before you were married? You are still early in the marriage itself so it is troubling that things have made such a 180 turn. If you were only dating/engaged for a short time this relationship sounds like a trap and you didn’t get to know his true self; however, if you dated for years and he’s only changed in the past few months I would be concerned that he is deeply depressed and needs some kind of help/support. Marriage does change relationships and my current husband went through a depression after we were married and it was really hard, but we have been together now for 30 years with some good and some bad.
Some of what you are describing (the very frequent sex, lovebombing, etc…) rings of Bipolar – something to look into with the help of a therapist/counselor. This potential diagnosis doesn’t mean that you should stay married to him but maybe to help you understand what is going on. If this isn’t a healthy dynamic and you haven’t been together for long you need to get out – be careful to not get pregnant! You are choosing what the rest of your life looks like – it won’t be whatever you experienced early in your dating him but neither should it be what you are describing now.
The real man has showed up!
INFO: How long did you date before you got married? Also how old are you both?
I’m sorry. It sounds like you’re a very good and caring wife.
He probably needs therapy.
Marriage counseling would be great.
Both of you reading the 5 love languages might help.
Do you have any idea why he’s so distant?
“Snap chatted an entire concert”. Great so neither of you could enjoy it?
Yeah, coming home and getting right into bed or doing mind numbing activities every single day are clear signs of depression. With depression, some people will be extremely irritable, detached, and not have the capacity to do the things they once enjoyed, or put energy into things they care about (i.e. relationships). His experience is valid, but so is yours. You didn’t sign up to feel alone in your marriage. If you really want to take another go at trying to make things work, I’d say encourage him to seek therapy and express how you’ve been feeling. DONT sit with this on your own and deal with it in silence or by yourself. Address it. Life is short and this is time you will never get back. Your kids deserve the best version of their mother. But most importantly, so do you.