Long story short, I had bad postpartum anxiety and asked my mil to help. Somehow, we ended up agreeing to forever. She built an ADU in our backyard. She had to live in our home for a year and a half, the worst time of my life. In that time, she belittled me, laughed at me, undermined me, and I constantly felt like I was playing tug of war with her for my child. She had no boundaries, reorganized everything, took ownership of my kitchen, packed our basement with her stuff so we couldnt even walk down there. She came looking for my son Every day and interrupted our family time. She sucked the air out of every room she walked into, the attention had to be hers if she was there. She’s also enmeshed with both her sons. She’s trampled over our boundaries and did whatever she wanted in caring for our son. She’s snipped at me in frustration because I gave her instructions on how to care for my child. Oh and she yelled at me 10 months pregnant because she said I was ungrateful and lucky to have a mil like her. The idea of her existence now makes my blood boil and body enflame.
The problem? Husbands in part fog. He knows she’s a problem, he knows she’s a narcissist, he knows she’s emotionally volatile, immature and abusive. He said she didn’t treat him well as a child. He doesn’t want to be around her or like her as a person, and neither does his brother. But now he sees her be nice to our son and his heart feels warm. “At least he gets what I never got”. I still see a witch and I want to protect my sons from her. Now that her sons are grown they don’t need her and don’t want to spend much time with her, I feel like she wants to enmesh and parentify my sons to fill whatever void she has. She actually said once (as she looked at my sons who is a spitting image of my husband) that she felt like she was getting a second chance. I’m on fire everytime I think about it.
I read books about enmeshment and covert narcissistic mothers. I did my research for months. I know nothing I say will change how my enmeshed husband thinks about the situation, that he has to witness it himself.
She’s in our backyard, she’s 60, retired, healthy, and he wants her to help us with childcare. I agreed to one year (the first year of my second son’s life. She never gets my firstborn again).
I need a list of ironclad boundaries/rules to help me keep my sanity and save my marriage. I do not want her to help us raise our kids (she doesn’t respect us as parents anyway, she’s trampled over our boundaries before). I don’t want her to have any alone time with them. I don’t want her to have much influence over them. I believe she’ll use all of that to try to enmesh with them. She already has no open door access, one family dinner a week and one afternoon a week for fun (supervised ofc). But my husband wants to be able to drop the kids off for convenience and wants her to be automatic babysitter if something comes up for us at work. I want to be on deaths door before I ask for her help.
What are some marriage/parenting rules I can ask my husband for that will help strengthen our marriage and trust, and also ensure it’s about protecting our family so it’s not all “your mom sucks. keep them away from our sons”? I saw a couple in other posts
-no overnights
-no last minute babysitting unless both parents agree
-protect each other’s feelings no matter what
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I don’t see this getting the end results you are wanting, not as long as she lives on your property. It’s time for marriage counseling asap.
Does she still live on your property? Moving her out would solve many of the problems. You need to create distance between her and your nuclear family. If she’s in your backyard, she’s going to be in your business and in your mind.
The boundaries book might be helpful for you to read, unless you’ve already done so. “Boundaries: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage.”
I don’t think “rules” are going to work here. If you want to save yourself and your marriage, you need the help of a trained professional.
Is her moving out on the table?
In addition to whatever else is recommended, I’d make it a priority to identify a solid couple of babysitters and have them do a paid afternoon while you’re present, then a dinner date night, to get comfortable with them. This allows you one and a spare for babysitting needs and you’re never in a position to have to use her. Picture you, dh, and the littles getting the flu and needing older LO to be cared for – have those babysitters ready to go.