Marriage problems

Warning for a very long post!
Me 32 (f) my husband 40 (m)have known each other for 6 years and married for 4,5 years. We have a toddler who is 2,5 years old.

Me and my husband met in a christians prayer group on facebook, we became friends and started to get to know each other on a more than friends level, after 5 month we decided to be together. Things went fast, he proposed, then we started to plan for the wedding. On month before the wedding, he started to say that he feel anxious and doesn’t know why.
We prayed and talked to people about it and they said that it was normal to feel that way because wedding is a big deal.

One week before the wedding, my husbands anxiety got worse to the point that he started to say he was not sure if he wanted to get married. He talked to his friend who is a pastor and that friends told him it was not was to call of the wedding a week before if he really has not clear reason to more than his feelings.
On our wedding day my husband told med that we should change the vowes because he did not want to say “till death do us apart” because he cannot promise that.

I was deeply hurt, then i told him that if that is how he feel we can call of the wedding because if he cannot promise that then there is no reason for us to go through with the wedding. I left to stay with be with my friends, then he came and apologised and that he really loves me and want to be with me, he just doesn’t understand why he feel the way is feeling.

We got married. From day one he started to complain that he should not have go through with the wedding, he betrayed his own feeling to go through with the wedding, that our marriage was the worse mistake of his life, that me and him will never worked it out not matter how hard i try. He has said that he want to divorce so many time that I have lost count.
He blames our marriage for everything bad that happened in is life, he says he is a missioner and an evangelist but because of our marriage he cannot pursui his calling and cannot serve God. He says this marriage make him miserable.

I blame my self so much for not listen to him when he said that he did not want to go through with the wedding. If i listened to him, I could have saved us both from all this pain. He can be very mean to me yet at the same time talked about God to his friends.
I was very naive, he was my first really boyfriend and I lost my virginity to him. He promised so many things before we got married about how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, how he will teach me about mission life and we will serve the Lord together and raise our children in Christ way.

That divorce will never be an option and that he could not wait to be married to me because i made him the blessed man in this world for wanting to marry him. All of this seems like memories that only i remember but he does not want to remember any of this. That he went on his knee to proposed to me. He has blackout of all our good memories together before we got married. He cleames that he just wanted to be friends, yet he is the one who started to hold hand and makes physical connection.

Even when i told i was wanting to have sex on our wedding night, we did some dry humping and was alway initiated by him. He has forget all of this and claimes that he was forsed to marry me. The worse part of this all is that he still espect me to be available for him when he want sex but dont want to connect with me atherwise if it is not about sex. This makes me feel terrible yet at the same time i want to honor my wedding vows.

I don’t know what to do, now days when he says he want to divorce, I tell him to go ahead, then he change is my mind. There is no stability or security in this married, i feel like a fool to ever trusted this man. He really sees me like the enemy and told me that it was the devil who sent me on his way to destroy his calling.
What advise can you give me in this situations?