Recently proposed to my girlfriend who I have been dating for 8 years. It was our 8 year anniversary so I took us out to this really awesome (expensive) sushi spot near us. Told the waiters ahead a time to have some flowers and wine prepared for when I ask the question. I thought this was a no brainer she’d say yes. We eat our meal, chat about the new hollow knight that came out and just as here macha ice cream arrives I get down on one knee and propose. Waiters noticed this and rushed to us flowers and wine in hand. This was it, all eyes on us, a decision that will change our lives. “Will you marry me?” I ask. “No” she replied nervously. I get back from the floor and quietly sit down still in shock. I motion for the waiters to leave and sit there in awe for a couple seconds. She explained how we were still growing as a couple and how we needed more time. Said that she still wants to be together but nows not the time. All I could think to myself was “8 years! When is the time!?” We continued are desert and drove us back to our place. Car had never been so quiet. So having read all that what do you all think I should do? Move on and maybe find someone willing to start a family with me or tough it out and try and see if this thing works?
Edit: Wow thank you all for the replies. I did fail to mention that we did talk a day after about it and she says that we’re still too young and that we should grow more as individuals before we lock in for life like that. Also doesn’t help that she and her ex have been getting coffees for a while. I’m leaning towards leaving her, my follow up question than is, is the dating scene nowadays any good? Is it hard to make a connection?
We’re also both 22 and have talked about marriage and starting a family in the past, usually met with very warm reception. We’re both very financially stable as well
Seems the common theme here is leaving, it pains me to really think about we’ve been living together for so long. Our finances are tied together I’m worried who would get our dog. Really just stuck you guys, I thought coming on here to get opinions would be a good thing but maybe not. I really have no idea how i’d even do it. Self confidence hasn’t been the highest lately
To further clarify her ex was her childhood best friend growing up. They dated for quite a while in middle school/early elementary. They had a really big fight back then and things ended very sorely, they hadn’t spoken to each other all of high school. He had reached out recently when she got accepted into nursing school and over the past month have been seeing each other very regularly
To anyone wondering about our careers I’m a 4 year plumbing who pays for almost everything and anything we do. Its a fair wage at the expense of being sore everyday but its honest and fulfilling work. Even after a 12 hour shift I come home and still help her with cleaning, the dog and whatever I can
Yea at this point the answer is glaring thank you everyone for all the help and words of wisdom and I wish you all better luck than me in your dating life.
Comments
I would at least have a dialogue with her about WHY she thinks you need more time. If its real relationship issues that you’re either not seeing/don’t know about, its her opportunity to open up. If she’s nervous or scared or doesn’t want to commit, that could be a sign to move on. But definitely talk to her about exactly what she meant.
If it was really still a question to her at this point that’s really not a good sign.
At the very least you need to understand more of why she feels that way and why you two were so clearly off base
You need to face this head on and talk to her. I also wonder- did you discuss marriage, did you have any signs she was interested in marriage. You won’t know if you don’t ask and you have invested time so see it through.
Talk more.
Ask her what needs to develop/grow.
8 years is definitely a long time, something is holding her back and you need to see if you can work through it with her.
Sorry, bud. Sounds like a no to me. Talk to her. Maybe she didn’t want it to be public.
More info needed. How old are you? Where are you in your careers? Have you talked about the big things (e.g., do you want children, where do you want to end up living, life goals, etc.)? Have you talked about marriage before?
How old are you both?
public proposals are tricky. I always think it’s important to get consent ahead of time. You are adults. talk to her now.
Ages are needed for this. If you are like 25 and have been dating since 16 her response is pretty reasonable. If you guys are like 40 then it is a lot more significant for her to indicate that.
Damn after 8 years and she doesn’t know if you are going to be the one?
Yeah I’m sorry bro. Maybe it’s time to move on.
Communication is a hell of a drug. I personally think you should have discussed the topic of marriage before proposing.
I guess the only important thing is how much have you talked with her about it and how much do you know she wants to be married at all. You need to talk and understand what it is about, “being ready” could mean anything and a lot depends on how old you guys are.
In general I wouldn’t say it is a reason enough to move on, but definitely I would learn my lesson and be very clear with each other before waiting or asking again.
Never spring a proposal on someone. You and your partner should be talking about getting married long before you propose. And public proposals should really only be planned when you know absolutely for sure that your partner wants to marry you
You need to talk to each other about what you want out of your relationship, and get to know where you both need to be for marriage to be considered
Dating one person since 14??? Hell no.
You’re 22 & it’s the only relationship you’ve had. Stop it. You’re way too young to get married.
She’s right. You are too young and apparently been together since you were 14. You both need a break from each other and date someone else at least once. edit to add: her ex from when she was 13?
Many people unfortunately didn’t manage to read the “edit” before commenting here.
You said 8 years. Both of you are 22. So yes, I do agree with her. For 22, you are too young to marry. If you would be older, then yes, it would sound weird. But if you got together at 14, where you have no idea what a relationship, hell nah. When the teenage years are over and then feeling stable and as an adult, yes. But definitely not with 22. That is way too young.
I was ready to write a just break up comment and explain why. Then I got to the part where you say you’re both 22. Until then, I’d assumed you’d be in your late 20’s at a minimum. But 22?
Yea, I don’t blame someone for saying they’re not ready yet at 22. I’d say to hang in there for a couple more years.
Just realized how weird it is that you’re saying you’ve been together for 8 years at 22, which means you started dating at 14 AND then say she’s been hanging out with her ex! WTF!
So the “ex” she has been getting coffee with was from when she was 14? What kind of connection could they have had at that time?
OP, next time make sure you talk to your partner about your intentions to propose before you actually propose.
>Also doesn’t help that she and her ex have been getting coffees for a while. I’m leaning towards leaving her
Seems like you already know what to do – but if you’re both 22 and have been dating for 8 years, was this an ex from elementary school?
You guys are ONLY 22.
She has a good head on your shoulders. I understand your worries but you two are genuinely too young to get married. What’s legally permissible and what’s right sometimes aren’t the same thing.
I don’t know any level headed adult over the age of 25 that would recommend that two 22 year olds get married.
As of 2023, the median age for first marriages in the United States is 30.2 years for men and 28.4 years for women. This reflects a steady increase over the past few decades, influenced by factors such as higher educational attainment, career establishment, and evolving societal norms. Notably, the median age varies by state, with Utah having the youngest median ages at 26.8 for men and 25.2 for women. Where are you from?
Specific data on the percentage of 22-year-olds who get married is limited. However, by age 24, approximately 30% of young adults are married, surpassing cohabitation rates at that age.
Maybe she’s just aware of her peers not getting married and starting families at 22. I’m guessing she wants to explore life a little first. Travel, hobbies, movies…all the things you lose with young kids. YOU’RE YOUNG KIDS! Have you ever discussed this prior to popping the question? You’ve been dating since you were 14?
Maybe it’s best to explain to her that you love her and want to be with her forever. With or without a ring. Other than taxes, what’s the difference? (A few more years and you’ll be common law married anyway!)
Her ex? From what, fifth grade? You guys are super young and have been together 8 years…
I don’t honestly know what to tell you. I personally think 22 is too young to marry so I’m with her on that, but having coffee dates with another dude crosses a boundary in my opinion. That’s an emotional connection forming and unless he’s gay there’s more than coffee brewing. I’d be more concerned about that.
Also given the timing and ages I assume you’re her first / only. I think ‘grow as individuals’ may be code for ‘experience other cocks’.
You’re very young my guy…this ain’t looking good and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on somebody who makes you so unsure about things you have to reach out to others for advice. We’re happy to help, but yeah…I think you know what you need to do.
Why did you propose without any discussion prior about if marriage is something she even wants?
You’re saying that it’s your 8-year annivarsary as if you’re both in your 30s. But you’re both 22.
An 8-year anniversary doesn’t mean as much if you both were children for half of your relationship, lol.
It’s reasonable for her to want to mature more before getting married. Most people don’t want to get married at 22.
Waiting until your mid to late 20s is better because you get a better sense of who you are and what you want in life and in a relationship.
22 is too young to be getting married. 22 year olds don’t have enough experience to know WHAT they want. She knows that.
My advice: take a year off from each other. Move her out and agree to meet up in a year at a specific time and place. Take the year and date if you can and in 12 months meet up for coffee and see what you both want.
I think, even being 22, eight years is long enough. I get when you dated between 14-18 not considering marriage. But plenty of highschool sweethearts get married in their 20s, it doesn’t mean you have to put your career goals on hold. It’s not saying you want to start having children immediately after marriage.
Declining a marriage proposal is pretty big, and I would consider it being a possible end to the relationship. But you could always talk lot her and communicate this feeling. You’re right, how long to wait then?
But honestly the edit that she’s suddenly reconnecting with her ex and her former “best friend” tells me she’s looking at considering other options
Eight years with six of those being as teenagers is way different than eight years with the majority of which being adult hood.
I’m not trying to rub salt in the wound. Some people are ready to get married young and some aren’t. That’s the big thing right now versus the actual length of time.
I understand where she is coming from.
There’s not enough information whether to say it’s worth going separate ways or not. Personally, I don’t see why this needs to be the end because she’s being smart. BUT both of yall need to analyze if you’re together intentionally or just comfortable because of the length of time together
I mean it makes sense. You’re only 22 and she’s right. You do a lot of growing and changing in your 20s. That’s one of the reasons a lot of relationships like yours don’t last. You just become different people. If you’re still together in a few years then try again.
ETA: also I wouldn’t worry about her having coffee with her middle school ex. Relationships like that very rarely serious. They were probably just catching up.
Sounds like another “The Summer I Turned Pretty” minus the EX being OP’s brother.
Appears you are not the one. She just isn’t ready for marriage yet. Does she work have a career? What are her personal goals?
As for if you should decouple, many here will say do it. Though, I say, you remain friends. Keep your options open, though you should not wait around for her. If she’s having coffee with her ex, you should go out on dates, test the field.
What you have belongs to you two… nobody knows what will ultimately happen, though you are in uncharted waters.
Enjoy the time and go find others to date.
8 years is a long time to be together but I agree that 22 is too young to marry. From her answer, it sounds like she sees a future for you together but it’s just too early to settle down.
What strikes me in your post is your reaction. Not once you mention loving her, or feeling devastated by the rejection. You ask yourself about the dating scene. It almost feels like you think you are going to marry because of the 8 years -like a set milestone-, rather than because you feel it in your heart.
I think it’s fine to move on or keep the status quo. But both of you are young and she is just starting another chapter going to nursing school so maybe she wants to focus on that.
Being 8 years together from 14-22 and 22-30 is quite different. That being said if you are actually serious about marriage then I do think you should look else where. I dont think it is weird for a 22 year old to not want to marry yet and she is not ready. Let her go if you want to marry early.
Maybe this would be an ideal time to take a break and explore other relationships. You’ve been in a relationship for eight years and you’re only 22 that’s basically half your life. And you’re not even that old. How do you even know this person is the one you probably haven’t even dated anyone else and if you did, it was in preschool. Maybe she is thinking along these lines. It’s obvious that you guys are worlds apart if you were surprised.
22 is young, but then you have to wonder. You’ve been together 8 years, and she’s having coffee with her ex (from when she was like 14-15)?? Is that her first love that she can’t get over???
I’d say you have time, and don’t worry much on it for that reason, HOWEVER
What I would suggest ii having a good conversation about what she’s wanting out of life and career. If she’s wanting to grow to be her own person, that’s fine. Don’t pin her to a timeline but ask where she see’s life in 3, 5, 7 years.
I’d go with it for another year or two before I’ think about moving on.
You have been dating for eight years, you are both 22 and she has an ex? Was this the schoolyard boyfriend that she had in the sixth grade? This doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Presuming for a moment that this is correct, I can understand wanting to wait if you are only 22. Give her some time.
This reads like AI
You guys are 22. It’s totally understandable she doesn’t want to get married yet. How can she have an ex when yall have been together for 8 years lol. Her ex from 13?? That is weird though.
22 is way you young to get married and start having kids. Period. Do people do it? Yes. Do those people usually end up together long term? Mostly not. Its rare when it happens.
She’s right.
It’s also ok if you want to leave over this. Nobody has to stay in a relationship for any reason. It would be good for both of you probably to get out there and live your young lives and give your brain time to fully develop. You don’t mention anything about loving her or any of those things. Just some sort of timeline you have in your brain. You don’t seem upset she doesnt want to marry you- just instantly thinking of dating. I think it would be good for both of you to get some distance.
LOL! 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You aren’t even grown fully. Your brain isn’t even fully developed.
She is right. You are TOO young. And take it from someone who married at 19. That’s too young. I am 42 now. I wish things had been different. I would have made different choices.
I am glad you are being an adult with a job and sharing household chores, but you are so young. You have your entire life ahead of you. Have you dated anyone else? Have you slept with anyone else? Those are major things to consider.
And I keep going back to the whole…she is going to coffee with her ex. What? Like from Middle school? You said 8 years together. 8 years would put you both at 14 years old.
Bro couples grow together and if they’re not doing that they’re growing apart. I would definitely ask her what does growth look like for her, what areas does she think u need to grow, and how Yall could grow together. The answers she tells you everything you need to know but if your still unsure, ask her if she wants to take a break and say u will stay with a friend or whatever u need to say to make it convincing. If she agrees to the break leave and never go back.
Normally I would say after 8 years something is going on. But you are both 22! I can see her not wanting to get married. Middle school dating doesn’t really count when you are talking about getting married. Now it turns out she may be ready to move on, but it could just be she feels 22 is too young to get married.
I may shock people when I say this but dog getting married at 22 is a sham. Most people don’t know who they are at 22 either. Not saying you can’t find out together or you can’t get married it’s just young to get married then.
She’s seeing her ex that she dated when she was 14?
she saved you brah
GIven her age, her ex was probably just a friend, because, you see, she was a child. This may have nothing to do with him.
That said, 22 is a very young age to get married. It’s understandable that being together for so long has created a strong bond and you feel ready, but there are many things that go into making a relationship work. Is she in college? Do you talk about the future?
And the fact that you already want to jump into a new relationship shows how idealized you may be. Don’t hurry, even if you break up, it takes time to get to know yourself as adult. You spent all your formative years together, your fontanelle hasn’t even closed!
I hate to use the word . Cringe making. It’s hard but it’s true. I know.
You’ve been together for 8 years, yet you’re only 22. How can you both be financially stable at 22? This must be a joke post.
You’re only 22. Give it time, Jesus.
Also, TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE BEFORE PROPOSING. Jesus Christ. Make sure you’re both on the same page.
Finally:
> We continued are desert
That’s probably why she said no.
Holy cow! You went from advice because you proposed marriage to casually saying that you think you’re going to break up with her
I think this is a cultural thing but I will never understand proposing by surprise and in front of people. In my country you talk about this with your partner and you both decide to to get married. Then yeah, if you want to be romantic you can prepare something and formally ask your partner to marry you and maybe even give them a ring. But you already know the answer is yes. And never in public. Literally people here fears that happening to them in public.
But in your case: I just read you’re 22. Even if you’ve been dating for 8 years, that’s from 16. You both are still growing as a person. And as you grow as a person, your relationship will grow too and it will be changing until let’s say the final form. Or it can happen too that you realize the person that the other has become is not what makes you happy.
If you love her and she loves you too, don’t rush it. I would have married at 22 too if I had had the money, but fortunately I didn’t so I didn’t have to end up paying for divorce lol. But I can tell you I was 300% sure of marrying this guy. And then life happened.
Wait. You’re 22. You’ve been together 8 years. And she has an ex? He was her childhood best friend. I honestly don’t think that’s as nefarious as you think. They’re just checking and catching up.
You ARE too young.
Let her go to school and get her life going. Make sure you’re growing in the SAME direction and want the same things. THEN get married.
She was smart to say no right now. She has a lot on her plate.
Why do you keep changing the text and context of your post? What are you trying to achieve to change it up? Either you want to be with her or you don’t.
So you’ve been together since you were 14!
Lived no life.
She’s telling you to do some emotional work.
Ok, I had some unkind thoughts about her til I read you’re both only 22! Dating 8 years at 22 doesn’t really count, seeing as you were minors for half of it: probably had to obey a curfew, too young to drive, young enough to be grounded by your parents etc. If she thinks you’ve both got some growing to do, she’s probably right. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to stay with her, but I think it’s pretty reasonable that she declined the proposal.
You are 22 years old. She had every right to say no. Full stop.
The relationship you had can change over time and your flight is right as you are both still learning each other as adults, post college and/or as you are starting your careers
8 years when you started dating at the age of14 is not the same as 8 years when you started started dating at the age of 20.
You are 22 – she is right that you are too young and would benefit from more time to grow.
Are you saying she was dating in early elementary school? That would be age 6, 7, 8? You claim 8 years of dating and you are 22? Whoa! What is the rush? She doesn’t want a life of grinding poverty and living from paycheck to paycheck. I am not implying that is where you’re at. Maybe you’re a place holder. From her perspective you are not marriage material period. If that’s what you want OP then I would readjust where she is in your life. In the poly world they describe it as a deesclation. It’s not an actual break up but she won’t be your primary and nesting partner. I hate to cast aspersions upon her name and character but it seriously looks like you are a place holder. If you are not then why are you being treated like one. If you’re looking to get married then put that out there. How did she say no OP? It sounded like she didn’t even consider it for one second. You are a convenient fwb. As soon as some rich dude comes along or whatever she’s trying to get it will be all over for you I am afraid. Right now you are convenient. Virtual higs🥰
You are only 22! Most of the time you have been as a couple doesn’t count. How many years have you lived together? That would be a better benchmark mark. Or perhaps after high school.
22 is too young, don’t be offended that she said no, she knows she is not ready to be married.
Having space is not a bad thing, she should perhaps move out for a while to decide if this relationship can move to the next level.
I’m sorry, 8 years doesn’t matter if you’re both 22. You are both kids. More than half your years together don’t count because it’s between kids. Should you leave her? Yes, so you can explore the world and find yourself. You haven’t finished becoming the person you meant to be. And being with an SO is prevent that growth. Go see the world.
22? So you were together since you were14? Yeah you’re still really young. People change a lot in their 20’s. I can see not wanting to get marriage that young. You both still have a lot of growing up to do. It’s not a bad thing to not want to get married that young
22 is young for marriage. she’s right, you guys can wait, no rush.
wow, been together for 8 years, but you’re only 22…..?
I understand her answer but at the same time I couldn’t stick.arpund w her after that, specially since shes been hanging w her ex.
sucks but u gotta move on.
you’re both so young, learn a life without each other
22 is too young unless Utah/Mormon. I’d seriously consider dating others and coming back to her later if it’s meant to be. You’ll likely regret not sowing your wild oats, to quote my boomer friend.
It’s not a good idea to formally propose without first having an honest conversation about marriage, and make sure you’re both ready to take that step now, not just sometime in the future. 22 is very young, even if you’ve been together for years.
I promise, the manner in which you propose can still be a super fun, romantic surprise even after having the “are we ready to get engaged” conversation. Maybe even moreso because you know what they actually want, and more importantly, what they don’t want. Proposing in public when you haven’t discussed it can be a disaster.
It’s also not necessarily a red flag that she’s not ready, but I would definitely ask her what kind of timeline she has in mind, what you don’t want to do is waste your 20’s with someone who keeps moving the goalposts until you finally break up at 30 and she marries the next guy she meets. What does “ready for marriage” look like.
For you, make sure you’re getting married for the right reasons. Is it because you know she’s the one, and you just want to add in those sweet tax and legal benefits? Are you ready for things like homeownership and parenthood, where being married makes things much simpler? Is marriage just “just the next logical step”? Or are you hoping to lock her down before she gets too close with her ex?
Also, think carefully about what kind of wedding you want, and whether you’re in a position to afford it. Yes, the marriage itself matters more than “some stupid party,” but if having all your friends and family gathered for a really nice night out is important to you (and it is for some people), it might help to wait a few years and save up first.
22 and together for 8…
Dude started in kindergarten – never been with another woman (not that that is a bad thing)
This is torture to read. Eight years and the big night with wine and roses you get the shaft? Bewilderment of bewilderments. But, then there’s a little tidbit that screams with explanation. You wrote, “…Also doesn’t help that she and her ex have been getting coffees for a while… over the past month have been seeing each other very regularly.” She turned you down citing twenty-two as too young. While that’s true, her other reason to decline just may have something to do with reuniting with her ex. You may want to examine that a bit closer. Sounds to me she’s keeping you in the wings while exploring her other options.
One other question… who the hell dates in elementary & middle school?
Well she is in contact with a guy from the past. That puts a question in her head she once loved him and had feelings for him.
You both have been going at it for awhile and sometimes feels like a rut or just routine. Happens to all of us. And this blast from the past or a new guy that pops up is exciting. Know that sounds rough but true.
Feeling the way you do be honest with her that you are disappointed and are looking at breaking up and plan on start to look for that someone special in your life that will want to be with you and settle down and start a family. That you wish her well and know she is looking and chatting with her EX maybe he is more your speed.
Most likely if she really loves you this will be a shock to her and set in she is going to lose you right now.
I would ask her if she as meet up with this guy at all or hooked up with him ? You never know unless you ask ? Just tell her it was a huge let down when he saw the real you in that moment and you really don’t see her the same right now.
She has a lot riding on you if you are paying all the bill and putting her though school and stupid if she does not see a future in you. Let her pay for it and the other guy.
The dog is easy. Who spends more time with the dog and who does the dog go to more. Do what is best for the dog.
Start talking about the separation even if she tries to shut it down saying she is happy with you.
She has to tell you everything about the other guy and show you there chats right then. Not later when she has a chance to clean it up. 100% over if she does not do it then. And she needs to not disrespect you by chatting with an old flame now. That is if you want to stay. Might be better if she moves out if you pay all the bills and there is a lease or who owns the house. Talk about splitting things up.
She needs to know where you head is and get her shit together quick.. right now she needs to fight for you if she does not want this break up.
If she does not do all of this,, I would call it quits and break up and go separate ways.
Good luck but be firm and don’t back down. She needs to know you are serious and if she does not fight for you. You 100% know you did the right thing.
Holy smoke… bro u dodge a mf bullet.
Omgoodness
You were 14 years old and you are currently 22.
She has an ex that she dated before 14?
All i can say is there isn’t a chance I would have married at 22 BUT a lot of people marry before then.
If she isn’t ready she isn’t ready. Give her time, talk about things openly, don’t get angry, try to understand, express yourself honestly. Talk and talk and talk. Communication is best.
Good luck
leave her! you’re still young you will find someone else
I was expecting you to be in your 30s… y’all are way too young, and if she’s been getting coffee with her ex, paired with this explanation…”growing as individuals”… you guys should probably part ways… if you return to each other in 5 years or so, then you’ll know!
Who the fuck is dating in early elementary and middle school…. Whats happening here!!?!?!
Wow 🤩 I’m sorry that she said no , but you are only 22 but 8years together and she said no it’s not like you have to get married tomorrow. Did you ask her why you need to grow more as a couple it’s been 8years you will always be growing and changing.
If you guys were in your 30s, I’d say move on, find a new girl. But you guys are still 22!
I’m on the side of your girlfriend. 22 is still just starting out in life. Too young.
> We’re also both 22
You’re both way too young to be thinking and marriage and children. Wait about 5 more years and try again then (statistically, marriages where both parties are at least 27 years of age are most likely to last).
Too young to get married. Why are you paying for everything??? Foolish
Nah bro leave her, she’s is/will cheat on you and will leave you sooner or later.
Dude you are freaking 22 what were you thinking.
This relationship isn’t even real yet.
You were kids (I was too btw) and you have no business being married before 25 when you are completely developed.
I first was on your side until you told your age
The dating market is not really good, I’ve been single for 6 years and just now got into a relationship again. I think in your situation it isn’t a matter of “we’ve been together for 8 years”, more of a “we’ve been together since we were 14 and we’re 22”. You do have a lot of maturing ahead. Relationships you’ve had since before you’re 21 you should divide them by 3, adolescence hypes up our brains with the exalted reaction to oxytocin, we chill out a lot as we age, and you were an adolescent last year (adolescent ≠ teenager). I would be suspicious of this friendship with her ex if you also notice she drifts away from you, because they dated when they were children, it’s like suggesting someone is in love with their kindergarten partner. These 2 things happening together may magnify the bad aspects of each other (being rejected and her befriending someone).
Break up!!! Not because she said no, you both are really young. But because she’s probably cheating on you. Honestly though you need to grow and experience dating and relationships you’ve been in this one since basically you were kids. You have the advantage.
For all the ‘you’re too young’ comments, that seems somewhat wild to me.
I started dating my wife when I was 17 and she was 16. We got engaged at 19/18, married at 22/21, had our first kid at 24/23, and our second kid at 26/25. I wouldn’t say I was too young for any of it. If anything, I am so happy that I got to grow WITH someone for all of the changes in life and learning curves. At 32/31, we have a 7 and 5 year old, we aren’t hauling diaper bags around, nor are we trying to do anything but navigate our lives as they are.
Being engaged also doesn’t mean you are getting married tomorrow. You can be engaged for a few years. But turning down your proposal seems more like she is unsure that you are the one. If you guys have been together for 4 years of your adult lives, I think she should have an idea. All being engaged is telling that person that you are not wasting their time.
You’re 22. You’re far to young. You have the rest of your life. When you said 8 years I thought you were in your 30s
AI post
It’s simple time to move on. She not sure you’re the man for her. She is seeing her ex she sees you as the safe option and is looking for something better. I telling you deserve to be somebody’s plan B go find someone who when you ask for marriage she screams yes. This story hits home for me because I lived it. Dated 3 years she no not yet. I broke up meet a girl dated 6 months asked her to marry me she said right away that was 28 years ago. Turns out it was the best no I ever got.
Her ex that she dated in elementary and middle school? I have no advice because you live in a far different world.
I’m lost….. you have been dating for 8 years and you are both now 22. So you started dating when you were 14 years old and somehow she is getting coffee with her ex from before you guys started dating??? You def need to move on.
It’s hilarious to me that OP is like, yep, common theme to these comments is leaving. Did we read the same comments? The common theme to the comments I saw was, she’s right, 22 is too young, and lots of people saying there’s no way she’s still interested in her middle school bf.
She’s right. You’re only 22. You’re not even close to being who you’re going to be.
Her ex is from when she was 14? That’s not real.
You are both young. What’s the rush. And honestly, marriage is a bad deal for men. You can do everything right and she can walk away at any time with half (or most) of your stuff. Stay with her, enjoy your relationship, don’t sweat not being married or engaged.
OMG – break up. I can’t imagine still being with boys I dated in high school. Live life and stop being so terrified of being single and dating new people. You cut yourself off from many life experiences at 14!
A no to a marriage proposal was the right call, ya’ll need a break. If you get back together in a few years cool, but really, this seems more like fear of the unknown more than I want to be with this person forever.
Dude 8 years is a long time, but you’re still young! 2 months ago she’d have said yes, but the ex is back so now it’s we need to grow more as a couple! WTF, the only thing that needs to grow here is YOUR BALLS! Just start packing your belongings and when she asks what you’re doing? Tell her flat out that: ” You hope the ex is worth it ” Take as much as you can and tell her that you’ll make arrangements for the rest of your belongings picked up by someone other than yourself, because when I step out of the doorway it will be the last time that you ever will and the last time I ever want to see your face or hear your voice, because it’s only going to remind you of the 8 year’s wasted on a relationship where you were just keeping the bed warm for her ex! 8 wasted year’s that you’ll never get back and you’d rather NOT be reminded of that! Then, open the door, tell her KARMA IS A BITCH, then walk out the door close it a little hard and DON’T LOOK BACK! Do the bounce and block! Good luck UPDATE ME
Lok. Redditors always say leave. But maybe seek counselling first. There maybe some deep reason that she feels 8 years isn’t enough time! But if it can’t be resolved with couples therapy, then yes, go.
22 is too young to get married, especially since your girlfriend is already interested in other men.
I married my high school boyfriend at age 21 and he was 22. We started dating at 16 and 17. We had three kids and were happy for a few years until he got bored and was attracted to other women at work. He had only been intimate with me since we met so young. He cheated. We divorced, and it was expensive and painful.
My advice is live your life independently for a while. Have fun with friends. Save money. Focus on your job. Travel if you can. Your current shared finances and dog sharing are not good reasons to stay together.
You know what should be fun? Your twenties.
Buddy, that’s rough. I proposed to my wife after 3 years. It took a further 4 years until we finally got married. I suppose it’s good that she didn’t half-heartedly accept your proposal (if she had reservations) but being engaged obviously doesn’t mean you need to marry in a set time limit. It’s more of a statement of intent. Her intent is… to leave you having and not really decide. You have to wonder why?
> , chat about the new hollow knight that came out
Hahaha. Surprised.
She’s moving on,
I thought this was crazy, until I saw you are just 22.
I don’t disagree with your GF. You are young and both growing up individuall and as partners, but I would also say there are warning signs here...
Have you discussed your furture together in detail with your partner?
Why didn’t you know she would say no? This shows a massive gap in communication and understanding each other.
It sounds like you cover a lot for the partnership. What does she do for the partnership?
I have seen this situation (where long-time couple together, the guy is all-in and girl a little less so..) and she dumped him 6 years into the relationship.
I don’t have an opinion on if you should stay together or not. I agree you are very young for mariage, and waiting might be better, but I also think there is a big, unspoken elephant in this room that perhaps you two are in very different places emotionally and relationship investment wise.
You need to speak to her and get her and find out exactly how she feels and do the same with your feelings. Are you two in love or just going through the steps of a relationship, because you are familiar, time-invested and it is all you know.
First thing first: stop all financial assistance. Second, move out and and move on. Doesn’t mean you cant reconnect at some time. But do not, repeat, do not let her string you along for a ride while she dabbles with her childhood boyfriend. It’ll be tough, but you’ll be more than fine. If I didn’t say it before: do not give this girl another dime.
At 22, you’re too young.
Nah, sound like she is not ready to tie the knot, she wants to have life whatever that means or simply doesn’t want commitment. She may still be unsure or have feeling for someone else like ex.
Not sure if this is the reason for break-up but it depends if one is ready and the other isn’t then maybe it’s time to part out. Who knows if she ever be ready or will say yes to OP. There are people leaving for years, even have kids without being married, simply because they don’t believe in marriage institutions saying it can ruin everything.
And there are people who like OP were dating for long long time and ended up splitting. Maybe it is time to move on.
I agreed with you until I read 22. I tend to agree with your girlfriend.
You two have dated over the most volatile period if your biological, emotional, and mental development. Who you both were and are has likely changed significantly and now…barely have even a few years as actual adults.
I agree with her.
She’s smart. You’re probably not the guy.
Let her go and move along. You both need to experience the world without the other.
I’m sorry you had to experience the rejection, especially in a public place. 🙁It sounds like it was very romantic how you set it up with the staff. It doesn’t seem like she wants to commit to you. Eight years is plenty of time to know if you’re ready to commit , it’s not like you had to get married that week or year or anything. And with the ex in the picture….. I personally would sit down with her and discuss your future together as well as her intentions.
I actually feel opposite of a lot of comments saying 22 is too young to get married. Just seems like infantilization to me. You’ve had four full adult years together. Should be enough time to know if this is your person, when you know you know. I would worry that they’re not fully happy and keeping their options open. Speaking to a professional would be ideal.
I’ve had similar experience and feel that if they don’t want to marry you after that long, even at that age, they probably never will.
I dated my ex from 16 to about 22. I wanted to get married, and they didn’t want to. Everyone kept asking when he was proposing. I would hint.
Ex told superficial excuses like “it’s religious and I’m not”, but the true reason was a fear of fighting over money and losing their assets. Possibly was also being unhappy with my “performance” in life as he was a perfectionist. He was a low income earner yet treated me like a gold digger. I had hoped that my behaviour and time would resolve his insecurities.
He ended up finding flaws in my success and dumped me over not self initiating casual work during my masters degree (no finances shared). I apparently didn’t show enough drive for success, he couldn’t see past it and I deserved better whilst he cried.
Im now with the love of my life. We own a newly built nice house, nice cars, three fluffy kids. Will be mortgage free in 4 years at 35 years old. I’m super happy. I’m definitely the success he wanted, sweet irony 🤷
I think he’s also happy which is great. He ended up marrying someone I think like a few years after dumping me, so he conquered his fears.
You’re 22?! No wonder she said no! You’ve been together for nearly half your lives. She’s right. You’re too young and you need to explore life more. Maybe the two of you will find your way back to each other someday.
I was all prepared to offer advice until I saw that you are 22 years old. I was going to say that eight years is long enough if she hasn’t decided by now then it is just not meant to be. You two are both very young and have a lot of living yet to do And I believe you may want to experiment a little before tying the knot especially since she appears not to want to. Give her her freedom and take yours.
At 22? She’s probably right. Tho the ex thing makes me nervous, at that age, its not as bad, as sometimes being just friends is capable. When youre in your 40s, I wouldnt
OP, your gf still thinks there’s a possibility she can do better than you.
I was definitely going to say that you should definitely leave, but you’re both only 22. If you’ve been together for 8 years that means you started dating when you were 14. I know it feels like you’ve lived a whole life, but everything for you both has just started. You’re basically at the baby adult stage. This is the time when you guys should be traveling and getting to know who you are. I can’t really blame her for wanting to wait. I can’t imagine being married at 22, especially if there are things that I want to focus on for myself.
Also, mentioning her ex, which was someone she dated when she was an actual child, feels a bit weird. I think more than anything you need to talk to your girlfriend and ask her what her expectations are for your future and why she said no. And then talk to her about how you feel about her seeing her ‘ex’ (and honestly I use this term loosely).
But honestly, it sounds like you’d made your choice long before coming to reddit. Leaving out how young you are feels like you were fishing for a specific answer. Mentioning it after the fact and then giving some of those other details feel immature on your part.
She is not the one
TWENTY-TWO???
You’ve been together since you were 14 – when was her ex? When she was 12???
The relationship as you knew it is now over.
Once upon a time, a Pilot asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?” The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Pilot lived happily ever after and flew Helicopters all over the world and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up……..The end
How does she have an ex when you’ve been dating since she was 14?
Her ex? You’ve been dating since you were 14. You can’t really call someone her ex when it was a elementary school relationship and you’re adults. You are far too young to marry if you think someone she dated in elementary school is anything serious. They’re a whole new person, just like you are from back then.
It’s hard to say because I wouldn’t have been ready to get married at 22 but I was ready to be in a serious and committed relationship. I could see her side, especially if she’s in nursing school and building her life. She could still be 100% committed to you but want to get established in her career so she can enter the marriage as an equal and do adult stuff like splurge on an expensive wedding dress or help contribute ridiculous amounts of money on a honeymoon. Quick question: how does she feel about public proposals? I told everyone I ever dated that if they ask me to marry them somewhere publicly I would say no. I can’t tell without more information but I would say do what you want. You’re young. Stay with her, or go find another girl, there’s really no wrong answer based on the information given.
Definitely against the grain here, but my husband and I got married at 19 and 22 and have been together 8 years, almost 9. If you want to get married young and start that part of your life, do it! I have zero regrets, but I know that this is not for everyone. It sounds like she doesn’t have the same desire to be married young – which is totally ok! Not everyone wants that, and I totally understand her hesitation about it. If you’re the only one she’s dated since she was 14, I think it’s natural to have some skepticism.
A conversation about where she sees your relationship going would be helpful too, just to get on the same page about your future and see where her thoughts are at.
I was originally going to say cut bait, but then saw your current age. You’ve been together since 14. 4 of those 8 years you’ve been together don’t count at all, and the remaining 4 only count for half, so you’ve only known your selves for 2 years. She’s right, you do need to grow more as an ADULT couple. The adult brain doesn’t finish developing until mid-20s.
Also, if you’ve been together since 14, how exactly is she hanging out with her ex??? Dating is not a thing in middle school or elementary. Not. Ever.
You’re 22, and you’ve been together for 8 years? 🤔
Heck no DON’T GET MARRIED.
Yeah your gf had the right idea. You’re way too young. Try, try again.
Proposing at a sushi spot doesn’t help either 🥲
I’m sorry you had to go through that. It seems like there are some underlying issues that need addressing before making any decisions about the future of your relationship. Take the time you need to figure out what’s best for you!
Okay, you didn’t include the most important part – YOU’RE 22??? No. Stop it. You are NOT ready for marriage at 22, no matter how long you have been together. You need to ask everyone to reconsider their answers in that light.
Your brain does not fully mature until just after your mid twenties. She’s right to want to wait. I know you are worried about her ex, so you need to be honest about it. It’s a VERY brave thing she did, turning you down – that’s a hard thing to do, it’s a big risk to the relationship.
Talk to her. Say “Thank you for being honest that you’re not ready for marriage. That must have been hard to do, with me asking you in front of all those people. I value that you could tell me the truth. I do think I need some help processing my feelings about this – can we go see a therapist together?” Get that help, from a therapist. They’ll help with the difficult conversations.
If you both want to get through this, and you work on it, your relationship could be better and stronger than ever. But you need some help with the communication and processing your feelings right now. Do the mature thing and get a therapist to help with that between you two. Good luck!
I just want to say thank you for the gift that kept on giving. Fuck me your post started off as a car crash and just got weirder.
So you’re 22 and your girlfriend said no to marriage (entirely appropriately)… But has been going out with her ex (usually a bad sign) from when she was barely into her teens.
Sorry dude but this isn’t full of red flags it’s full of absolute what the fucks and I’m not surprised she said no
Well you are young. Just.. what ex? If you are 22 and together for 8 years it means you got together when you were 14. How is there any ex that would matter
Agree with the majority of respond. Both 22 no rush to marry. The issue with the EX may not be a problem either. Wondering why they need to meet regularly though, especially one on one. How much elementary school shit is there to discuss. You need to clear that up. Talk to her, maybe super you finances until marriage is on the table. No point being a sucker and support her until she walks out if not interested in marriage down the road
22 is WAY WAY TOO YOUNG. She’s a smart girl. People change a lot between 22 and 26.
I was with you till 22. She is right, you need more time to grow. I’m sorry. Maybe she isn’t the one, maybe she is. But please wait until your mid to late 20’s.
Wrong, she is thinking about her middle school ex. Hence why she is talking to him. What’s his education n job status. Maybe she thinks plumber is beneath her. Or maybe she’ll hook up a doctor in the future. That’s why she doesn’t want to be tied down. Now personally plumbing is hard solid work. Pays good and I know some who’ve opened there own business. Alot of money. I’d leave. Fuck that.
Yeah you guys still 22. It’s barely an adult. Her response are reasonable.