Marriage therapist supposed to side with DH when it comes to me not wanting to be in contact with JNMIL along with our kids? Enmeshment and I don’t want to be forced to see his relatives.

Any of you who have a DH who comes from an enmeshed family dynamic with a very covert manipulative JNMIL and finally reach the point you wish to go NC with JNMIL along with your kids?

I’m not telling my husband he can’t see his FOO but I’m telling him I need to heal and have peace and stability for myself as a human and mother and so do my children and I therefore no longer wish to engage with his family and my children are not pawns and should not be brought there without me either. I feel if he struggles so much to just say “no” to his mom or “hey mom wow.. what made you feel comfortable saying that to my wife?” It’s an environment we don’t feel emotionally safe in and I no longer want to be a part of it. I went a step further and stated my children should not be taken over to his family’s home alone either. If they cannot respect me as the mother and he cannot act in their best interest that I don’t expect this to happen.. and I also stated I would leave if it did (and fly back home to my own family).

I had to say this because I feel the guilt on his end and his mom acting like a fragile victim works on him and he wants to appease her with our children. I’ve told him we did not make our kids to be her supply.

I set a boundary in marriage therapy stating I wouldn’t be seeing “his family” until we’ve rebuilt and repaired what our family needs and the kids and I along with OUR comfort and what’s fair are what the top priorities are. I told him this boundary remains through holidays and birthdays and that I do not want to be told when his mom coordinates surprise out of town relatives to visit and sends him a private message “They’d love to see the kids..” none of this crap ever happened until I cut down on how much we see her and asked for some time to work on us. She got desperate to cross that boundary in every way and thought of a million stupid things to do for it.

He LOST it.. LOST it (I should also mention I’m fairly sure he’s having neuropsych issues or recovering from CPTSD) and blew up and said he didn’t love me and wanted a divorce.. all over that.. of course next morning he’s acting fine but the trigger was HUGE..

The therapist initially seemed to support my boundary and then in session when I was with him and he got that angry she told me his resentment is building.. he wants to see his family more.. etc.. and he wants his kids to have a relationship with them. Our kids don’t even want to see his family but are too scared to tell him. All 3 have told me and not one of them has asked to see them in over a year after we all went thru a family trauma and the older two saw their grandparents weren’t the genuine and nice people they thought they were and treat mommy bad.. they’re all 6-11 now and privately tell me they don’t want to see their dad’s family and ask if we can stop monthly dinner but due to my husband’s mental health I don’t want to disclose this to him.

My kids feel safe sharing things with me privately and see this shift in their dad where he’s suffering, regressed almost to enmeshment, sees me as a threat or the bad guy and would basically try to coerce them into loving and seeing his family.. he never used to be like this but it’s like his mom is really working on every weak spot while he juggles his mental health.

The therapist told me he’s becoming resentful.. etc.. it has been over a year.. and I’m like yeah a year of him still not addressing it in therapy or going back to his baseline where he was a unified front with me and held boundaries.. my husband was a great man.. he’s like a shell of who he is now.. his self deflection is gone, anger around bully mom is up.. I’m so exhausted..

I feel angry.. I feel like the obvious the therapist would be she needs to call him out and say I’m not obligated to see his family and in terms of the kids .. 2 things.. if they can’t respect me then they aren’t good around the kids and it sets a poor example.. also he doesn’t want me traveling with kids to my family out of state.. and while his is fear based (he thinks I’ll leave and not come back) I use this to even the field and not allow him to take my kids alone to his parents ten mins away.

I feel a therapist should be addressing this is a two person marriage and the only people entitled to the children are the parents and that his concern shouldn’t be that he can’t say no to mom but that his wife is upset. It’s insane to me this is a topic and I must validate him around it.

I don’t get their angle or know if my perspective needs adjusting. What do you think? For those of you who wanted to go no contact with your kids and had a husband who didn’t want to allow that.. what did your marriage therapist say? What did you ultimately decide and what was the outcome ?