My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We got married relatively young, right after our daughter was born. At the time, I knew there were things about her that bothered me, but I hoped we could work through them together.
My wife is extremely smart, but after giving birth, she struggled with postpartum depression. Back then (10 years ago), we didn’t even realize that was a thing, so she never got professional help. Over time, she managed to pull herself out of it, but other issues remained—two big ones in particular:
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Activity levels & lifestyle differences: I’m a very active person—I love sports, challenges, and exploring new things. My wife, however, refuses to leave her comfort zone. She wants to be fit but won’t commit to any form of exercise. I signed her up for swimming (since she has back problems), but she quit after two sessions because she hated having wet hair. This inertia has created distance between us over the years.
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Mismatched libidos & sensory issues: Our sex life feels mechanical—zero desire on her end, almost like it’s just out of obligation. She’s also developed sensory sensitivities: she can’t stand being touched in certain ways (nipples, genitalia) because it either tickles or she fixates on my hands being “dirty.” She’s constantly stressed about cleanliness—freaks out if I walk inside with shoes, hates vacations because of sand/dirt, etc.
We’ve moved eight times in 10 years because she’s never satisfied with our environment. After the last move, I put my foot down and said no more.
Around the 5-year mark, I realized I couldn’t change her, so I focused on my own growth. I started a company, worked on myself, and now we’re doing well financially.
I don’t want to grow old like this. I’ve tried to make her happy, but it feels one-sided. She has to want to change, and after a decade, I’ve lost hope. Right now, I’m torn between:
– Finding a mistress to fulfill my needs while staying married.
– Giving it one last year (with full transparency) to see if she’s willing to work on things.
But I’m tired of pressuring her. I love her and want the best for her, but I also deserve happiness with someone who matches my drive.
Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do?
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If it were me, I’d have the hard convo and give it one final shot with full honesty, no cheating, just clarity. If nothing changes, I’d leave instead of wasting more years feeling stuck.
She ain’t gonna change until she knows she can be replaced. She’s being ungrateful and taking you for granted. Let’s see how well she’ll survive without the lifestyle you provide for her.
Women only know they’re attracted to you until they know they are competing with other women that can replace her, aka jealousy.
You’re a high-value and great guy, on the way up.
She isn’t on your level and doesn’t support or lift you up, which I would drop a woman after immediately. Especially if I’m providing the lifestyle but she isn’t contributing, she’s useless.
May sound harsh, especially to woke feminists, but it is what it is. If it was a lazy man or broke man women wouldn’t hesitate to tell the girl to kick him to the curb. Same applies to women.
So OP, just be aware: women will always (be inclined) to choose the woman’s side. Which is cute, but not really helpful for you
You made a commitment and you have a child. As much as her behavior is an issue for you I’m sure your behavior ‘pressuring her’ is an issue for her. I strongly suggest you get couples therapy. Again, you have an obligation. My perspective is from a child of divorced parents and a husband of 30 years with three grown children. Marriage is: insert any adjective, they are almost all true at different times.
A lot of people go with your first option, a fair number of people go with your second option, and a lot of people go with the third option of suck it up and be miserable. Since all three responses are common, it’s hard to say which one is best. One thing you don’t discuss is your kid. I’d be most worried about leaving my kid in the care of someone with the kind of neurotic fear-based mindset that you’re describing unless you can get at least shared custody.
Not an easy situation and there’s not really a wrong answer but you should work to do the right thing for your kid and yourself – whatever that is.
Why is getting a mistress your first option? How about trying therapy?
Have you talked to her about the fact that this is where you’re at? Seriously show her this post. Also is she seeing a therapist because her germaphobia sounds like a mental condition that she may need help with.
Don’t cheat, that never looks good and questions character in my opinion.. plus think of your kids, would you want your daughter or son to be in a relationship where the partner cheats? Studies have shown that often kids repeat the mistakes of their parents… If you’re unhappy have an open honest conversation about it, basically tell her everything you said here and that you’re really struggling in the marriage. Go to couples therapy and really try to work on things! I’m sorry
Advice from someone who stayed in a marriage like this. You need to be happy you’re still young. Get divorced and find someone who meet your needs. You can look at the financial situation, but even if it won’t turn out in your favor, it may not be worth it staying.
It sounds like you’ve grown apart. Taking a mistress would be the ultimate betrayal, and if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your wife post divorce it is in everyone’s best interests to separate BEFORE jumping into another relationship. Also better for the new relationship.
You should sit down and really talk to your wife. Be honest. Tell her your current relationship is not working for you and the reasons why but that you want to work with her to come up with a good plan for her, your daughter and yourself. From what you said about her, she may honestly be good with that new relationship—less pressure on her. It should also help you have a good co-parenting relationship. Wishing you the best!
Don’t “find a mistress” for fuck’s sake. Why even stay married in that case? You “love her” but want to cheat on her? Grow up. Either you want this to work, which means both of you making effort to make changes and fix things, or you want to throw in the towel, in which case do that.
Instead of trying to make her do swimming, have you even talked about therapy, how you feel, what you want, how she feels, what she wants, what the problems are? You talk about trying to change her to match what you want, and changing yourself to match what you want, but very little about what she’s actually done to change, how she feels, etc. Why do you think “pressuring her” to change is the solution here? Seems like all you’ve tried is either just rolling over and doing what she wants but resenting her (8 times?! Why didn’t you put your foot down after the first or second move?) or else focusing entirely on yourself rather than the relationship as a whole.
If this relationship is dead, then fine, it’s dead, move on. But don’t cheat on her, and stop trying to shape her into who you want her to be. What help have you tried getting her for her issues? Does she acknowledge her issues and the effect they’ve had on your relationship? What changes have you made for her?
She really needs therapy. You need to start with couples therapy, and a qualified therapist will probably recommend individual therapy first or alongside the couples therapy. You need to make it clear to her the relationship is not OK if one person in it is miserable (and she sounds pretty miserable too, even if she doesn’t have the courage to admit it right now).
Don’t get a mistress. Don’t have another child. Ask her to go with you for help because you love her and want the relationship to thrive. If she absolutely refuses, get therapy yourself to decide if you are really ready to end the marriage, and the best way to start going about that.
Such first world problems. What is marriage if you can conceive of an option to leave? If you are married to her, her issues are your issues, not this constant ideation of greener grasses.
And what happens if she had gotten a crippling disease? “Out the door, cramping my style!” And what if the tables were turned?
If you do abandon her, please have the forthrightness not to marry the next one.
No affair, obviously. That’s a very weak move. Just be strong and be HONEST. You have valid points of not wanting to live like this anymore. It’s not sustainable. I think she needs to hear all of your points. If she is unwilling to change, you are unwilling to continue living like this. I don’t think it’s healthy to stay just to appease her, or just bc you have a child. Life is too short. You both can find decades of happiness instead of just settling in the comfort of ‘it is what it is.”
You didn’t mention counseling. She obviously is not over her postpartum depression. (I’m a therapist.) She needs therapy and you should at least give couples therapy a shot. Then go nuclear and divorce if she refuses. She has issues and you gave no info about any therapy so I’m assuming it hasn’t happened.
Usually I think people are too quick to give up on their marriages. Long term relationships are hard. But the way you described your marriage sounds miserable and like you are not that compatible. Out of the two options, I would give her a year with full transparency (if not ready to divorce right now). Affairs are messy and painful, please do not go that route.
OP…”My wife is extremely smart, but after giving birth, she struggled with postpartum depression.”
Intelligence has nothing to do with mental health.
Just get a divorce if you’re this unfulfilled and feel disregarded after ten years. Having an affair will only make you the asshole. Rightfully so.