I love my husband more than any other person in the world. He is the most caring, loving person I’ve met. BUT
For quite some time our everyday life has become monotonous. There has been no sexual activity whatsoever in about half a year. He works real hard and often complains about his work draining him. I sympathise with that, it’s tough out there what with the economy crumbling and everything.
But on our days off, he stares at his phone. Tomorrow’s a public holiday and he didn’t even want to watch anything on Netflix. He’s watching something in the other room, alone.
He doesn’t show interest in me sexually anymore – ever. Now, I’m not the most sexual person but it used to be nice. At this point it feels like we’re friends or room mates more than a couple. I don’t think I’m worse looking than 5 or so years ago. Maybe I’ve just become uninteresting to him in this regard.
Our late night talks about life etc used to be so stimulating. Now he talks about the same old stuff. Three times today he asked me what I wanted to do tomorrow. He insisted on me telling him the whole plan and programs of our day. This is what our marriage has come to. He doesn’t want to spend time with my friends or family. When he is there, he keeps giving me the look that means he wants to go. We used to go out with friends or just the two of us and dance the night away, spend time with his family or mine, go to concerts, plays…
I feel like I’m 65 and about to retire but I am only in my early 30s.
Is this what it’s supposed to be like? Do people just stop trying after a certain point and I haven’t reached that point yet? He’s only 1 year older so not sure if that explains it.
I am at a point where I need to decide if I want to have kids, and right now I’m leaning more towards no, but there’s still so much life in me, and I come alive when I’m with my friends and family. But my husband and I? I don’t know what went wrong.
I know this is not an uncommon problem, I guess I’m hoping to get some advice but more than anything to get this off my chest.
Comments
What does he have to say about it when you talk to him about this?
You need to adress this with him, in my opinion. Something’s clearly very wrong and it’s taking a toll on your marriage, they shouldn’t be like this.
Obviously, every relationship is its own world, but if you’re asking for advice, mine would be pretty much to explain exactly what you said here. Be blunt, make it impossible to be misunderstood.
From your recollection, it sounds like your husband may be experiencing depression.
Even that isn’t the case, have you tried talking to him about these feelings? That you miss being sexual active and want to spend more time together? Sometimes a relationship takes effort after even years together, but both partner needs to be committed to that effort.
This sounds really miserable, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way OP. I hope you and your husband can have an honest conversation about it.
Hi there, this is not my experience of marriage in the least (together nearly 16 years, married 9, one kid—we don’t lead an exciting life by many people’s standards but enjoy our time together and have regular sex). Is your husband okay? Is he depressed? It seems like he’s withdrawing from everybody in a way that’s hurting you both.
Check on him, it might not be a couples problem, but that he is going through a rough patch, or depressive episode. I think this because one thing is not wanting to do stuff with you daily, but, with your family, with friends, it might be that
Married life ebbs and flows. The way to get out of any slump is communication and effort on both parts. Good luck with your conversation.
It really sounds like he may have depression.
He needs to get his bloodwork done, step one.
This is not what it’s supposed to be like. I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to spend the rest of your life like this. What does he say when you ask what changed? If he is depressed and willing to do something about it then maybe there’s a chance.
He’s depressed.
Sounds like he’s got a porn addiction. And it’s very common. And it sucks. And there’s unfortunately nothing you can do about it unless he decides he would rather have a real intimate relationship with you, his real flesh and blood partner, more than with his hand, alone in that other room, with his phone. Please don’t have kids with him.
Takes a lot more than love for a relationship to survive.
As others mentioned, your husband doesn’t sound very unlike a sufferer of depression, and the draining job might have triggered that, or just have him burned out.
It’s not something you two would want for him, nor for you two. So, check in with him, and with a specialist, for him, you two, or both.
I know addressing it with him sounds intimidating. But I would have wanted the relationship safeguarded from deterioration, and I would have wanted to be looked out for.
I would appreciate it being raised.
He’s depressed
He sounds depressed
So many red flags for depression here. He needs to see a doctor asap for bloodwork and a talk about his mental health.
Is he depressed?
It sounds like he is putting zero effort into nurturing this relationship. You do sound like platonic roommates more than romantic partners. This isn’t what a good marriage should be. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband. It’s the only way to get to the bottom of what’s going on here.
A very targeted but simple suggestion that may identify an issue:
Suggest a “no screens” night. Once a week, during the week (not on a weekend yet). You should frame it as self improvement where “you feel that your phone is killing your energy and want to try something you saw on the internet”.
On this night, no one scrolls on a phone. You don’t watch tv. You don’t have to entertain each other, but you’ll probably have to do something like: read a book or magazine (kindle can be a allowed screen), do some hobby, do some needed one-off home improvement task, listen to preselected music together (like a vinyl or cd), listen to a podcast together. You’ll probably end up talking to each other about what you’re doing (what your book is about, when you first heard this song, how your hobby is going) because you are not being brain blasted by your phones.
That’s it. First few weeks will suck. Afterwards you’ll likely look forward to it. If it dramatically improves your mood on those nights, reflect on how much further you might want to limit screens. Slowly, and together as a team.
All I can say is kids will not improve this
The same thing happened when my partner was in her early 30s it’s like we decided right then that we’re in old age now and that’s that, young things are for young people.
It’s been a decade since then so maybe you should talk to your partner and try to change this before it goes on and you actually get old.
He’d addicted to porn and depressed.
They hide the porn thing.
Okay, hear me out. Your feelings are valid, your lived experiences are valid.
I got to that point a couple of times, I had a long and honest conversation with him. I didn’t let him get a word in until I finished what I had to say.
I was gentle, I explained that I’m just trying to understand and to avoid the “nothings changed, it’s just in your head.” I came up with clear examples. I made it clear that I am not happy and I don’t feel loved and wanted anymore, and if nothing changes, I’m out so he either talks or walks.
It turned out he was depressed, like super – mega – needed therapy and antidepressants depressed, also felt pressured and overwhelmed with work, and he just didn’t know how to communicate it, because he was scared I wouldn’t understand the severity. He was using his phone to doom-scroll or watch movies, to dissociate.
It took months and a lot of initiative from me to get on the same ground. Intimacy-wise, I started initiating non-sexual intimacy, lots of cuddling, lots of kissing, relaxing massages, stuff that didn’t make him feel pressured to have sex, and I was patient, we added more and more until sex happened again. I took initiative to plan movie tickets, walks in the park, sightseeing trips, museum visits, clay painting, very low energy activities as to not exhaust him or drain him mentally.
I wasn’t asking him to do things, I was telling him what we were going to do and he knew he has to do his part and participate.
I’m not telling you to mommy him, I’m only telling you my experience. Maybe he’s depressed, maybe he loves you but doesn’t feel the spark anymore and you guys need to work on that. Maybe he just sucks and thinks you won’t leave him and will put up with his shit. Who knows? Not me, not you.
It’s time to have that really uncomfortable conversation.
Has he had his testosterone checked? A friend of mine went through something very similar. Her partners libido just seem to go away. She is a nurse and after trying some different things and Therapy, she finally convinced him to get it checked. Turns out it was low, and when he went on supplementshis libido came back.
Go to a couple’s therapist. Maybe he needs therapy for his own issues. I know that when I’m in pain, this is how I behave. Despondent, low-tolerance for people, and just want to stay home.
Why does he have to work so much? What kind of work, hours, is there commute or travel, and did he work this hard/job when you met?
Otherwise what else changed at the time he changed?
This killed my marriage, among other things.
Turns out I had liver issues, undiagnosed ADHD, and a mood disorder. I had to almost have liver failure from gall stones to get healthier. I had to have a divorce to get on a mood stabilizer and stimulant.
Now I’m very happy and it’s been 7 years since my divorce but I do wish I had figured out my issues earlier.
>Is this what it’s supposed to be like?
No, I don’t think so. But it has been like this in our marriage, at times. Marriages can go through slumps. If you love your partner and want to save your marriage, I suggest sitting him down and saying you need things to change. Try to make a plan together.
We did these things: go to couples’ therapy for a while (we did around 20 sessions), sleep separately sometimes to improve the quality of our rest (we’re both light sleepers), plan in more dates, dates with no phones or screens allowed, and lastly, reorganise our living space so it felt more calming and relaxing. I followed this feng shui guy’s advice and it genuinely helped, I didn’t realise our little monkey brains can be tricked that easily. It recharges us more when we’re in our home now.
We’ve also been discussing career changes.
We’re in a good place again now. I think you can get back to that place too.
The first step is telling him what you’ve told us here. He knows that your marriage is in a rut, but he’s comfortable enough with it to not do anything about it. But you’re unhappy. You need to know if he’s willing to work with you to fix the problems or if he prefers it the way it is.
If he’s not willing to negotiate a path toward a relationship that fulfills both of you, then you will know what you need to do.
In the meantime, start doing the thing you love without him.
The conversation between the two of you should happen. Don’t accuse him, and focus on what you would like to happen instead. Ask him if he’s willing to do xyz. With your husband, figure out what has changed where going dancing has disappeared. It could be that he’s turned a page, or maybe that mental energy to initiate the event has drained.
Anecdotally, my partner and I like to go on 30 minute walks occasionally, and just shoot the breeze talking about whatever’s on our mind. Planning a vacation gets us thinking outside the typical ritual, and the actual vacation gets us doing new things. It can be a road trip, staycation in a nearby city, or if it’s been a while, a trip out the country. A day visit to a museum.
But the important part is planning and talking with my partner. I have my hermit moments, but I’m fond of having meals together and small chats when we’re together. We message each other memes and shorts even if we’re both home.
Depending on your age and lifestyle, have him get his testosterone and vitamin D checked. He should not be having this in his early 30s. I had a temporary issue that was related to some big home repair problems and I didn’t get any sunlight for months. My vitamin D dropped way too low which also impacts testosterone.
After my blood work I was able to get back to normal in two month just by eating the right foods and taking some basic supplements.
Depression or burnout. I recently went through a burnout that felt like depression. I would get out of work just mentally drained and get home and lay down. Life lost all meaning. I’ve been working on myself with a therapist and self reflection and feel better. Not taking medication for depression.
It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Take care of yourself and don’t stop hanging out with friends/family. It’s okay to cry and your feelings are valid. Everyone goes through some shit and your husband is also going through some shit. Take it easy♡
Do not have kids with him. It won’t save your marriage, it will worsen it literally in every way!
It sounds like your husband is facing some serious depression issues. It doesn’t sound like you’re the problem here, I recommend broaching the subject of him seeing professional help or talking to a doctor.
Hypothyroid can cause pretty bad depression. Might as well run bloodwork. Lol
I was like your husband (woman married to another woman here). For me it was depression also driven by work and my wife definitely encouraged me to get out more. Little steps help! Like instead of planning a full night on the town or something, how about just going for a walk in the park? Something low pressure. He also has to take the steps for himself. For me I started focusing on hobbies that took me out of the house more. Definitely talk with him and try to get an idea of what’s bothering him. He may be hiding the extent of his issues.
One piece of advice that Ive heard a lot from long-married couples is how important it is to keep dating each other. Like going on weekly dates, experiencing new activities together, even just watching the same show together.
I’m going to speak from experience here. I’m a man, 37c and I’ve been with my wife for at least 15 years now, married for almost 13 of those years.
I later found out that I had a congenital issue that caused me to fire blanks and have insanely low Testosterone levels.
When I say low I don’t mean “dude you gotta stop eating soy and boost your T!”, I mean potentially life threatening in the long run low.
My wife had a lovely honeymoon phase when we first met, but I was always lacking…somthing, and early into our marriage I was rejecting her advances, which hurt her over time. We didn’t realize I had somthing wrong with me until we attempted IVF b/c of an unrelated issue.
My urologist put me on a prescription of Testosterone and my entire life changed.
I have more get up and go, more enthusiasm, and a solid sex drive. On top of this my mental health improve, along with my cognition.
I’m not saying we have no marital issues or anything like that, but I’m a much happier person and more fun to be around, so it has been huge for us.
The get up and go I have now is insane: like I get pumped to do the dishes and get the kitchen clean. I’m not kidding!!
Have him get his Testosterone levels checked.
Yah, this sounds exactly like what I’m like when my mental health is bad. I love my partner and I love my friends and family and I love socializing and taking trips and being outside and planning weekend adventures and I KNOW I love these things. But when I’m super stressed and overwhelmed and burnt out, it doesn’t matter. All I can bring myself to do on my downtime is watch TV or mindlessly scroll while hating myself for not having the energy or motivation to do any of the things I know I would normally love to do.
Your husband’s mental health situation may literally have nothing to do with you or your relationship directly (although of course it is impacting it)! It sounds like he could be burnt out from work, and if he’s anything like me, he might be stuck in a cycle of: work like crazy all week to try to catch up – still not catch up – spend the weekend exhausted and filled with anxiety and dread about all the things you didn’t get done that will be yet another two days farther behind come Monday – avoid doing anything fun due to said exhaustion and anxiety – start the week having had no mental break whatsoever + feeling depressed because you wasted your weekend – and repeat.
This is no way to live for either of you, but it sounds like he may need a push in order to get help and start figuring things out. Depending on whether this is something he’s experienced before, he may not even realize what is going on himself. I think it’s time for you to talk to your husband about his mental health, his work situation, and the things you have observed that indicate that something is off with him lately. Try to stay away from making it about how it’s making you feel and how it’s impacting your relationship if you can, at least at first. Not to say that your feelings and worries aren’t valid, but if this is a depression/burnout issue then I think focusing on how you’ve noticed he seems unhappy/anxious/not himself lately, rather than focusing on how his disengagement has made you feel unhappy with him lately, will likely make him feel more comfortable opening up.
If he’s really depressed he may WANT to want to do all the things you love to do together, and he may already hate that he isn’t doing them and feel horrible about it and know he’s letting you down. But he could really just be incapable right now. So I’d say approach him with the goal of showing him you love him and want to support him in figuring out what’s going on and in seeking help. Hopefully he’ll be amenable to that conversation and willing to work with you to get things back on track!
Do you have a life outside of your marriage? Friends? Hobbies? Your spouse shouldn’t be the only place to relieve your boredom.
I have no advice, but I feel like you’re describing my current situation to a T. I’m actually not unhappy, I’ve never been a particularly sexual person or a romantic one, but I miss just watching a movie together. Now we never do that, because he’s always busy with work stuff or his 3D printer. We’ve had several conversations about this, but this is just who he is and it won’t change. It really helped me to just stop putting effort into trying to find stuff we could do together, which is something he never puts effort into himself, instead I focus on my own hobbies and interests, which make me fulfilled. But it doesn’t sound like something you’d be happy with.
he might have depression, I know I do and I act a like him.
There are family/primary care doctors who are willing to try a couple of antidepressants before automatically referring to a psychiatrist. Obviously there’s risks with all medications, but seeing as his position on therapy is “its bullshit” (and he could maybe use the toolbox of emotional regulation methods therapy can provide) its certainly worth talking to the doctor about. I promise, they dont immediately cart you to the nut house just because you tell the doctor youre struggling to feel emotions, or only feel sad/angry.
If he chooses the medication route and it ends up being difficult to find the right meds, there’s always genetic testing to try and pinpoint things further. Probably expensive.
There is already lots of good advice around your husband’s health.
Another thing is to think about how you get your needs met. Sometimes in marriage we can start to rely too heavily on one person to provide the social and stimulation things we need. Separate to your husband, make some plans to go out with friends and do some things you enjoy. This will help you to fill your cup and position you better to support your husband to get his mental and physical health sorted.
I am sorry that you and your husband are experiencing this at the moment…..
Sadly, I think this is far more common/normative than we are led to believe!
*As a society, we have unrealistic expectations on our long-term relationships, always being happy – we aren’t always going to be happy. Also, there is a lot of emphasis on fulfilment through sexual love. Look at how popular rom-coms are……
I am studying psychology, and the late 30s – 40s are some of the hardest years we can experience. Our sex lives take a dive, and we are more focused on the meaning of life (what’s all the suffering and hard work for? Who am I? Was I created? Why do I exist?). We crave more meaningful social connection, and many people experience extreme job dissatisfaction and general unhappiness in life! We are fatigued by our own existence……
Older populations are far happier than middle-aged populations. I find that interesting, considering middle-aged people are often in charge of elder care 🤔!
Combine all of this with the fact that we live in a world of doom scrolling, lack of human connection (social media), wars breaking out, the current global political climate, and the extreme level of mass media consumption that makes us feel we are constantly under threat – it’s bound to happen.
How do we fix these issues? That is a question that only you and your husband can answer. What works well for some doesn’t for others…..
Some things that may help, though – firstly, your husband probably needs to see a therapist. Tread lightly – remember we can’t force people to get help if they are not ready to receive it. Some men really struggle internally, I know my husband does, they go quiet and disconnect. Men are less likely to reach out for support and are also at much higher risk of suicide so this is important.
Phones down when not at work, let work stay at work, and this will help keep that dreaded scrolling to a minimum. No tech before bed as this affects sleep!
Create space and time to check in on each other.
Create a space that is mainly for sexual love to take place. Humans schedule everything else, so why not sex?? Some people start by scheduling things and letting that progress over time into something that is more naturally initiated (we all love a crazy spontaneous romp, haha). Remember to start small and make your way back – focus on connection!
Explore the big questions together but again tread lightly (no need for more existential dread).
Focus on finding something that brings you (individually and also together), complete and utter joy for the express purpose of experiencing joy again. Join a couples dance class, paint together, make something together, get out of the house, star gaze, connect in a forrest, laugh, and make complete fools of yourself. Life is meant to be lived. We aren’t meant to just exist for the sake of it.
Also, that age-old sentiment of exercise, eating better, sleeping, and breath work can always help.
I hope you both find connection, happiness, and loads of love, OP!!
My husband and I went through a similar period of stagnation a little while back. It has bought us closer together, to be honest! We also realised (for us) that great sex less frequently is better than loads of tired and crappy sex haha.
I’m sorry. You’re too young to be this bored. Hell, even I’m not this bored and I’m in my fifties. Definitely don’t have kids until you reach some kind of breakthrough whether it’s through therapy for both of you and/or him.
I know you said he doesn’t believe in therapy but if he thought he might lose you would that be an incentive to consider it again?
Maybe plan a weekend getaway?
Vitamin D supplements and other multivitamins helped when I had depression from a lack of sunlight. Also exercise.
Have you tried saying “How about you take some Cialis tonight and we’ll have sex tomorrow after breakfast”?
The good news is he’s probably not cheating on you. Usually cheaters become more sexually active, not less.
We’ve evolved to socialize offline at least once every two weeks. This isn’t socializing with your partner but with your neighbors, friends, extended family, or anyone that you do not live with. We’re communal creatures, and we need our creature comforts. This is one of them.
When we don’t socialize we run out of entropy, things to talk about, inspiration for hobbies, and so on. We’re like a water tower. Some people can go for decades without socializing just fine, but they are draining that water. This lack of doing things that inevitably leads to depression comes when there isn’t enough water. Going out and socializing is like getting rain. You’ll fill the tower up a bit. But, it is a slow process. It’s like planting a seed and watering it. A tree might take months to grow. You might not see a positive from it for many months.
Life is about balance. Socializing is one of those factors. Get out and do more things. Then you’ll have something to bring to the table to spice up his life. You’ll be helping both of you out. And if you can, it’s the bbq season. Maybe go to a bbq both of you with friends. If you can’t, there’s book clubs and other activity based groups where you can meet people.
Furthermore he might be struggling at work. He could have an abusive boss he’s avoiding talking about because it would only bother you and not help the situation. You never know. Either way, find activities for you to do, without him, and with him, but also without him too. You have to make yourself happier before you can share that happiness with him and elevate him with you.
There’s a lot of useful suggestions already on this thread, so I’m going to skip mentioning some of those. One thing I was interested in while I was reading your description is that all the descriptions were about his behaviors, and I wonder if some parts are a reflection of your own energy? Is it only one-sided on his end, or is it kind of both of you? For example, you mention “he doesn’t want to spend time with your friends and family”, do you want to spend time with his friends and family?
I know some people feed off other’s energy levels, myself included, so if there’s a lazy vibe I have a hard time breaking out of it even if I want a more exciting vibe. It could also be that in the past while the honeymoon phase was fresh in both of your minds, it was easier for him to instigate many of these behaviors that you found attractive, but as time goes on, it becomes more of something that both sides need to actively work on. I’m guessing and making assumptions, so excuse me if they’re incorrect.
If no one has mentioned it yet, a marriage counselor can talk you guys through a number of mental exercises and tools that can help you to engage in a non-hostile environment bringing up such sensitive topics so neither of you feel like you’re on the defensive. I would highly recommend it even for a couple that’s not having any issues.
Take acid or go to a music fest or travel. Sounds like you’re in a rut. Got to shake it up a bit
He sounds depressed. You guys need counseling
Please don’t have children as a solution to this.
It won’t work, and will only create more misery, especially for those innocent lives.
You find yourself in a very common situation, if that helps at all.
Others will have further and better advice to add.
Testosterone drops mid to late 30s for men. I’ve been seeing it in my guy friends and gently suggesting they go get a test. They’ve been complaining about lethargy, lack of sex drive, and general malaise. Maybe try suggesting that? One of my dude buds found a natural alt to boost T, so I know there’s some sort of supplemental alternative to what the doc gives out.
Speaking as a guy, I hit this point years ago. It came from an intense mix of over-working, stress, financial instability and an abusive relationship. What he really needs is a break from it all and an end in sight; only thing that did it for me.
I’m not married but I have been in long term relationships that felt a bit like this.
Have you tried checking in on him? Seeing what’s up and what’s wrong with him in his own world outside of your relationship you share?
Have you tried organising a date night or maybe a small getaway to shake up the regular mundane routine? I feel that has previously shaken up and given a fresh perspective on the relationship by doing something different and taking it outside of your everyday boredom.
Sounds like depression. I was like that for a long time after C19 finished and the world opened up again. I was drowning in many things and burnt out. My poor spouse was trying really hard to get me going. I had no choice but to pull myself put before he pulled himself out of our marriage
Op talk to him. Maybe his job is worse than you think. Just listen and encourage him that it’s ok.
am a guy – my wife is chronically ill/disabled/in chronic pain and has deep depression. so the result is similar on our relationship, but only because her situation is so tough for her.
i took way, way too long to listen to her about my own mental health. your husband needs to hear that you are worried about your relationship and be nudged into getting checked out and having some therapy and/or medication.
now people in general dont always come around to that right away – but bring it up and start to encourage it. maybe even try to get to: ‘lets just make the appointment while you think about it’. sometimes getting into a doctor/therapist can take a few weeks, maybe months.
i wish i had gotten myself some help way sooner, and ive been trying to be open with friends a little about what im doing to encourage others to get some help if they need it.
Usually when a guy is not involved with you sexually, he is more than likely looking at his finances. Everything you said about him points to feeling defeated and depressed involving his work life and likely the economy. Considering he is in his 30’s, the possibility of that being it increased even higher.
As a person who had a positive outlook last year with me being in the running for multiple opportunities, this year completely went straight to hell. Every job opportunity I was in the running for canceled, other opportunities vanished, layoffs are happening all around me, important people at work are retiring in mass, and my work load increased while my salary remained the same. I’m hearing so many other men complain about something similar happening to them. All of this happened just this year. Your husband likely does not want to have children with you until his work life becomes stable.
Marriage is like bank investments, you’re only gonna get out of it what you put into it. It’s really hard to see a long-term plan when only one party is committed to investing. Try talking to him, let him know how you feel but also don’t let his unwillingness to participate stop you from doing the things you wanna do.
If he doesn’t change, and you find that you have more fun without him than you do with him, I think you have your answer.
The best relationship advice I’ve ever gotten was: Ask for what you need. Be serious and specific, and phrase it as a request to help give you what you need.
In some ways life goes through “boring” stages, and there is ebb and flow to every long-term relationship, but it does sound like he may be depressed? Or overloaded in some way.
You’ve already gotten some good advice on managing that, but I wanted to mention a separate point: don’t wait for him to be your sole source of entertainment. What are YOU interested in doing? If you want to go hiking and he doesn’t feel like it — go anyway. If you want to learn a new skill or take up a hobby, or start going to social events — make plans, tell him he’s invited but not obligated, and go and have fun. It is so healthy for couples to each pursue interests of their own, and then you have things to talk about later.
It’s counter intuitive that a way to become closer is by being more independent, but it really is true
I’m sorry. Other people are saying it could be depression. But his behavior reminds me of my ex, who was a porn addict.
He presented himself as a person who wanted to have adventures, but when we went on them he seemed uncomfortable, bored and annoyed the whole time while he kept his face in his phone every chance he could get.
He never wanted to do anything or plan anything.
He had very little interest in sex and I’ve had to do years of work to overcome the hit my self esteem took.
He was in front of a screen constantly and every time we did manage to leave the house he immediately went back to his screens upon returning home.
I don’t say “porn addict” lightly. What I mean by that is he was willing to destroy his life over porn. He went to insane lengths to access it, his behavior escalated over time. he was into gross and disturbing stuff and was physically cheating through online means.
Im not taking any sides here but as a man I can say, and this mat not apply at all, but I’ve been in relationships where I was the one always chasing, intimacy, quality time ect. And I got the point where rejection and or lack of reciprocal attention made me stop trying, did the exact same thing. Shut down spent time on phone super detached. In no way am I blaming you just adding perspective, the answer could be simple as you just showing attention like be in his face. I can guarantee once he see it you will see a change. And if not there are more fish in the sea.
Sounds like he is either depressed or having an affair. You could ask him how he’s feeling, but it’s ultimately dependent on how honest he is and whether or not he sees it as a problem worth fixing
Counseling. If you love him and want to save the relationship, counseling.
I think he’s burned out and depressed. He needs help.
This is what the elders mean when they say “marriage has ups and downs.” The best thing to do is just break the ice and be open about it and talk it through. As long as both of you still want to be in it, then you can come with a plan. I have been with my husband for 15 years, and this has happened a few times. Once we realized that it didn’t have to mean we were losing the love, it became easy to talk about and much easier to overcome.
I’d recommend “mating in captivity” or really just any Esther Perel talk.
He probably is suffering from burnout and there’s certain levers that get pulled that can just put a screeching halt to libido. A massive one for that is stress and work. He has his own responsibilities to work through and bring to the table himself, but in the meantime there are things you can also do to promote an environment of creativity and desire as well. I’m not expert, but Esther is and she’s helped me in a few of my relationships.
In my experience people have a certain appetite for social interaction, and when that appetite is not just satisfied but well-exceeded, that is experienced as stress, and you tend to shut down. When I was working one job where I had to deal with people all day long, all I wanted to do was go home and sit and watch TV by myself. I didn’t plan to do anything with my friends or family because I was always just stressed, and I didn’t want to. If I had a weekend I might want to go out for a hike or something, as long as it was away from people, but parties and get-togethers just never sounded good. That might have looked like depression, and maybe it was depression, but dealing with it was more a matter of figuring out why than getting a prescription or anything like that.
Eventually I figured that out and I changed careers to something less hectic and demanding (at least as far as how much I had to deal with people) and the whole social situation got more balanced out. I actually liked people again and enjoyed going out again, and having conversations and the whole thing. Once I wasn’t over-stressed life was generally better, and I was a much easier person to be around.
I hear you. Marriages go through periods when the energy and enthusiasm wane. If you work together on it as a couple, it can definitely improve. If you just let it slide, it can become toxic.