I’m 31 years old, and I want to better my self mentally for my wife. My wife. Hates how I respond in anger when we have discussions, i’m trying to work on this and I need help/advice. Preferably free because I don’t have a lot of income or health insurance. Any books podcast or YouTube videos to help me, I would really appreciate it. Thank you in advance. ( or I will lose my wife and marriage.)
Married man, how can I better myself for my marriage and my wife?
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I’m 31 years old, and I want to better my self mentally for my wife. My wife. Hates how I respond in anger when we have discussions, i’m trying to work on this and I need help/advice. Preferably free because I don’t have a lot of income or health insurance. Any books podcast or YouTube videos to help me, I would really appreciate it. Thank you in advance. ( or I will lose my wife and marriage.)
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What self-reflection have you done as to why your response is to get angry when having, as you described, discussions?Not even arguments, but discussions. Look inside yourself, maybe even start journaling about your emotions. You seem to know that it’s not okay, so why do you respond this way?
gym (hard workouts, cardio specifically). helps with stress relief and anxiety. generally mellows my moods.
Therapy or Pennebaker Journaling.
Also gym.
You don’t yell at your boss because you don’t want to get fired, which means you should be able to not yell at your wife if you don’t want a divorce.
You already have the ability at work, why not here?
Please don’t say gym or therapy. I don’t have the money for either. I will block or ignore comments. I say that.
Why do you get so angry man? Do you get angry at other people in your life? At work? Friends? Maybe try therapy, it worked for me but it was for depression not anger. I still feel like life kinda sucks but I hit the gym religiously and being jacked gives me confidence and makes me feel good.
Hope you get the help you’re looking for. Rooting for you brother 👍
Try and figure out my you react that way, then address it accordingly
If it’s stress, try and schedule in something to alleviate it so you aren’t carrying that shit around with you everyday
If it’s trauma, then you need to look into coping mechanisms specific to dealing with it such that it becomes bearable if not actively resolve it etc etc
Involve your wife in this process, at least to some degree, as her perspective may help you notice certain triggers or scenarios that seem to correlate with your anger and give you somewhere to start
If you learned the anger from a family where addiction was present, I did a lot of good work dealing with my traumatic childhood in a 12 step program called adult children of alcoholics.
And it costs nothing except for the showing up.
There is also a group called “the mankind project” they have groups called “I groups” which are sometimes open to people who haven’t been on the weekends that they run. But the weekends sometimes have scholarships available for those who are financially disadvantaged.
Again, I have seen men make huge changes to their lives with the support of the group.
This is a good start:
https://youtu.be/4-079YIasck?si=74tC8twt_o3EF3HB
Also lots of hard exercise.
Hopefully you read this and understand: it’s time to grow up. If you can’t find a way to take anger management/therapy you have one choice to save this marriage.
That’s with effort and taking accountability. Quick story: I got a shit hand in life and in my early 20’s had a attitude, a little angry and it worked for awhile until I met a woman I adored and my anger bled into the relationship at times. She was patient until she wasn’t. I lost that girl. I got angrier and I realized I was being a child. My mom raised me better.
I took anger management and it helped. But what did it-NOT easy-was being aware of my emotions as I experienced them. Catching myself as I started getting a negative attitude-which would turn to anger most times-and making a conscious choice to stop. Talk to myself. Take a break and remove myself from the conversation/situation.
It’s hard to do at first because it’s become habit and now I (you hopefully) have to make an effort to change those negative thoughts, feelings into positive ones. It’s especially hard when you feel like nothing is going right. But I can assure you it can always get worse. You start small with affirmations and being thankful for what you DO have. Or what you have overcome.
So you have a choice right now, if you want to keep this woman in your life you have to figure it out. Good women are hard to find. If she’s a real one she’ll help you along the way but you have to listen, put your pride away and stop being an angry little boy.
Treat her like any other person- your parents, your boss, a co worker, a random stranger, a police officer. This will take you a long way and is a beginning.
Hi fella. Sorry to hear things are difficult.
Here is a book recommendation.
“The way of the superior man”
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=the+way+of+the+superior+man&adgrpid=178924476440&hvadid=738997311514&hvdev=m&hvexpln=68&hvlocphy=9028728&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=6373763335519538228–&hvqmt=e&hvrand=6373763335519538228&hvtargid=kwd-1126389782&hydadcr=15146_13754929&mcid=201b9e684014343ba103c0bd8fbaf6f4&tag=hydsma-20&ref=pd_sl_8qkiahe3ea_e_p68
The gym. Instead of bringing any frustration or negative energy in general home? I go workout. No need taking it home to your family. They’ll eventually become scared of you, walk on egg shells, etc. We’re suppose to be big teddy bears at home. The grizzly is for the world outside.
Hey man. Props for reaching out. Therapy can certainly help with self-work, but isn’t mandatory. Anger is an umbrella word for a lot of more specific emotions, and knowing exactly what your anger is coming from can be critical in identifying and naming what’s happening in you.
Your wife is giving you hard feedback. This is how we learn and grow and recognize issues we’ve been blind to. You need to quickly decide what you want to do here. If it’s actually to improve your relationship and knowledge about yourself, then start by looking up the Anger Iceberg. Identify what your anger really is. Google Feelings Wheel. This is going to be a solid tool as well.
Next, be emotionally vulnerable with your wife. Tell her what you’ve learned about your anger. Do those feelings connect to experiences in your past? Your parents? Your struggles? Trust her with this information. Approach this as teammates with her. Own it and be accountable, if you struggle with certain situations and experience certain emotions, ask her what that is like for her when you have that anger. Be willing to face the consequences of your emotional responses. See how it’s hard for her, because you need to know that if you are still teammates. You can do this while still having your own needs needing met. But bring her into the equation as you move together to help figure you out.
As you go through it, commit yourself to “I feel” statements. Google that. Use it. It’s a healthier way to express yourself. If your wife is lashing out at you in frustration ask her to use these with you. They take our experiences and make them about our self, and not about the other person. This makes it much easier for the person receiving it to deal with it supportively and avoid fights.
Everything you feel is valid and comes from somewhere. The more you can bring your thoughts and mindfulness into an emotional situation, the healthier your mental will become… which in turn will improve your relationships across the board. At the end of the day your plinko-board of experiences left you with a poorly equipped response to certain things, and it’s killing your interpersonal relationship with the person who matters most to you. It’s time to change.
I wish you all the best of luck dude. I can tell you’re going through it right now. I’ll Leave you with a few ideas and quotes from a book I’d recommend called Man’s Search For Meaning:
Happiness cannot be pursued, it instead ensues meaningful endeavors we make where our consciousness and values are acted upon.
No matter what, we can control our reactions to our experiences if we make a choice.
When we suffer, we learn a lot about ourselves… what have you learned about yourself? Your needs? Your relationship?
When we can really understand our emotions, the suffering from them will become manageable.
It doesn’t matter what we expect from life, it only really matters what we expect from ourself.
P.S. if counseling is something you’d be willing to try but only the money is holding you back, look up nearby counselors on Psychology Today, ideally “MFT” (marriage and family therapist). I’d also recommend a male therapist if you can find one. Send them an email asking if they would do pro-bono (free) work. The American counseling association essentially demands that counselors accept at least a small amount of this type of work because people in situations like yours DESERVE the opportunity to get help too. If you end up looking for individual therapy I’d recommend a LIMHP and also again a male therapist. A woman can help you too, but it can be comforting to have familiarity, and it sounds like you don’t have lots of time to shop around for new therapist!
Again, stop recommending go to the gym/workout or therapy. I have no money for neither and I will block people who keep suggesting that.
If she’s doing stuff to provoke anger and then turning around and making you feel like dirt for it while completely invalidating your feelings, there’s a really good chance you’re not the only one with issues here.
If she cared about you, she’d at least acknowledge that your feelings of anger are valid and work with you on that. The fact that she refuses to hear or understand you is the reason why you have these outbursts. You’re trying to get through to someone who just isn’t getting it – or at least that’s what she wants you to think, subconsciously.
TLDR she’s already checked out and there’s nothing you can do man.
I tried the Bible. Works for me and my family 🙏
If you can recognise when you’re getting angry you can take a step back from it. Think, “I’m starting to get angry now”, and remove yourself from the situation to calm down. You can say to your wife, “I need a timeout”.
Only you can regulate and police your emotions. I hope you get a handle on it.
Just for the sake of adding another perspective – When you say “your wife hates when you respond in anger during discussions”, could it also be possible that the wife lets the emotions get best of her and gets offended at slightest of ‘disagreements’ in a discussion and perceives them as an attack. This behavior is on the rise thesedays and can’t be ruled out without knowing the entire context/truth.and may be OP is not able to manage that, and this has led to make him believe that ‘he’ has anger issues.
Regardless of whether this is true or not, I’d like to give benefit of the doubt to the OP and appreciate his intentions of making this work. I like the office and boss example suggested by many other readers.
Go to the Junior College in your area and take some interpersonal communication classes. They will help to teach you to be a good listener. Which is the first step to being patient and a good partner
It’s possible you’re not the problem she is. You haven’t done anything physical and we don’t know how loud or aggressive you are during these arguments.
Best thing to do is walk away. Leave the room until you’ve calmed down.
What makes you angry? Start there. You gave no details on how you are getting angry.
Don’t fight about anything that means less to you then your spouse.
For what I have learned. You need to develop the capacity to visualize yourself when you talk and monitor your tone. In the opposite way most woman do not understand our concern until we got piss off and become emotional. When that happens, you can always come down and start the conversation again with a calmer tone. You can film yourself when you talk to her, you will see that you will control more yourself and you will see a lot of expression and reaction that you will not suspect and trigger your fights. That works for both side. Now for her needs, she wants attention in a regular matter and it doesn’t need to be important. Kiss/flower/compliment etc the main trick is what seams weird for you is what she needs, what look what you need is never what she will need too. Look for what will make you uncomfortable and not your comfort zone reflexes when you are tired.
Edit typo
Say to yourself “anger is not my friend” when you feel it building.
Anger is often a tool that may have been useful to defend you as you matured but as you get older, anger may have been a “helpful friend” at times but now at work or with your wife or if you have kids it’s your responsibility to teach them anger may be an appropriate response in some cases, it is not a tool to rely on.
When you feel your anger building and your wife is there take a few steps away and sit down on the floor so you are less threatening. I’m not kidding.
She may ask what you are doing and you can say, “I heard your concerns about my use of anger and I’m taking concrete steps to make myself less threatening.”
And … LISTEN to what she is saying as she says it. Do NOT half-listen while coming up with a response.
Women want to know they are heard.
Use Reflective Listening, where you listen and then state back to your wife, paraphrasing what she said “so, what I hear you saying is X, right?”
You are clarifying that you feel she said. Then you can have your response.
Women want sympathy … NOT solutions. If she’s complaining about her boss, say “wow, that must really suck” or “that has to be hard to deal with” instead of “you just need to stand up to her” or something that makes her feel you are judging because she’s not doing it right.
Ask, “I’m sorry you are struggling, do you want advice or just a hug?”
Finally, make a promise to yourself to never go to her when you are freshly angry. Whatever it is, chances are it can wait. Ask yourself, “do I really even need to talk about this? Do I need to talk soon or now?”
And then ask “has she got extra stress right now? What is she dealing with emotionally? Is this a terrible time to address this?”
If a topic is important to you, ask if she has a few minutes to Work Together on a concern you have. If not now, could she please say when she will get back to you or when she will be free.
Most topics, you will find, can wait days, weeks or years before they really need to be addressed, if at all.
If she has “unfair” tactics that trigger you, that’s a whole other topic but if triggered, ask to take a break or mention how it felt to hear her say what she said and it can take time to figure out what you feel.
Relationships are hard. I’m 60+ and the last 6 years or so have been rough in my marriage in addition to many deaths and life changes. I feel as of the past few weeks she and I are finally benefiting from my own journey away from anger, me holding my tongue about most things and being braver about addressing concerns or “asking* directly for things I desire while saying “nothing is cast in stone. Come back if you change your mind or find new concerns.”
Hand in there.
Try to focus on a solution the whatever the disagreement is about. It’s not about winning or losing the argument.
If your wife is being unreasonable rather than accusing of that, ask her questions.
If you’re responding in anger about something then you’re thinking about it as you vs your wife. You need to be thinking about it as you and your wife against the problem. Like you’re a team.
So get better at articulating what has made you mad/unhappy in a calm, clear way and work together to resolve it. And be willing to support if the shoe was on the other foot and she mentions something that upsets her.
“Anger” is what a lot of men say when they mean:
Hurt
Scared
Insecure
Empathy for suffering
Unpleasantly Surprised
Worried
Disrespected
Threatened
Unsure
Etc.
But there’s long been a lot of bullshit machismo cultural baggage that implies men don’t feel those things, so what are they left with? When it comes down to it, there really aren’t a lot of things that actually make me angry.
It’s time to start learning some new terminology, friend. And then using it: first with yourself, and then with your partner.
Start meditating
Do you or your wife have a job in a corporation large enough to have employee assistance? In the USA, they are usually called employee assistance programs.
They will typically provide a certain amount of mental health visits for free.
But maybe don’t talk about anger management. Talk about being triggered by past events which delve into “dark thoughts.” The company wants to protect itself from depression than help you with your marriage.
I did it ten years ago and got ten free visits. It changed my life. (I paid and continued on for at least 8 months).
Argue naked?
Hubby goes to work on something in the shop when I’m mad at him.
He never responds to me in anger. He will always walk away, cool off, then come back to discuss it. He says it’s a decision he made a long time ago that he would never respond to me in anger.
Therapy. Go to therapy.
The Gottmans are the gold standard for couples therapy. They’ve got a ton of videos on YouTube worth watching and are frequent podcast guests. They’ve also written several books on how to improve relationships and better understand your partner.
https://m.youtube.com/results?sp=mAEA&search_query=gottman+method
https://m.youtube.com/results?search_query=Gottman+podcast&sp=EgIQAw%253D%253D
What you’re describing sounds like you’re getting emotionally overloaded and feeling defensive when your wife tries to discuss things with you. It can be helpful to think of these situations as you and your wife together against the problem rather than you two against each other. Every couple has fights and disagreements. Couples that learn how to fight better and constructively have better relationships.