So I was over my best friend house and her dad was asking about my new partner. I’m 22 he’s 28. The first question he asked was “where does he work”, “ how much money does he have” , “does he have a 401k”. I mean the answer was yes /he has those things to most of those questions but be started going on about how a man is supposed to provide, how be should be a “provider”. I started getting annoyed because if I had those concerns that my partner didn’t have the bare mínimum like a stable job and savings, I wouldn’t be with him. Unpopular opinion but I don’t desire a “provider man”. A man can be a “provider” but also abusive, a cheater, manipulator etc. I would never want to rely on a man or tbh anyone financially. There was a reason why women fought for us to have financial freedom.
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I mean, yes, but that’s an easy binary for folks to quiz on as opposed to more nuanced compatibilities.
And finances are high on the list of things couples fight about so many *believe* an easy check mark if he has a good job/prospects. (funny as it’s all surface and one’s financial security can be fool’s gold or upended so easily)
The “provider” bit is more of a “at least there’s that to fall back on.”
People are mostly terrible at deep communication with even their own partners let alone friends, family, etc.
Deep, nuanced conversations is rare and are a skill you have to hone regularly.
I think they’re just safe questions for your friend’s dad to ask. I used to get annoyed at family father figures asking that too, but then realized they wouldn’t be able to relate if we tried to talk about broader topics of interests my partner has. Mind you, my family are total boomers from U.S.A.
Since your friend didn’t ask, what’s your favourite thing about him? How does he make you feel?
So my partner and I recently hit a rough spot and we’re discussing that in therapy. My partner is a good provider, stable job, data engineer who earns good money and more that that he’s a very good father, who takes care of the house when I’m at work, who handles the house finance. He’s very reliable, stable, the perfect husband material for lots of woman. And due to that I’m feeling safe materially and at peace in my day-to-day life. I don’t have to worry about food, I don’t have to worry about bills and anything, I know that my son is in good care. When I go back from work I know that my son will be fed and dressed up for bed.
However my partner is lacking in the romantic field. He’s more practical than emotional. He’s not the type to buy me flowers or organize outings or romantic trips. He’s overall not a great lover nor a gentleman and that’s truly something that I miss in our relationship.
Just saying that relationships are more layered and complex that peoole make it seems. Choosing a provider is extremely important because that’s around that that you’re gonna build your life, your children’s future etc…so I kinda get why you were asked those questions. However it’s important to find a balance where your material, physical, sexual and emotional needs are met. It cannot be 100% in every aspect of the relationship, but when one or two aspect are seriously lacking it will make it harder to appreciate tbe relationship as a whole.