I met my boyfriend 5 months ago, we started going out and officially got together 3 months ago. We have had multiple sleepovers over this time. But somehow he always refrains from having sex.
My past relationship was an abusive one, the only way I could possibly be of use to my ex boyfriend was by being available in bed, no matter if I was sick or on period or even dying. He tormented me for months both emotionally and physically.
And now, after 1.5 years of leaving my ex, I finally decided to date again. This guy is perfect in all ways. He knows I have mental issues including severe abandonment issues and separation anxiety. He still takes care of me.
The only thing that bothers me at times is that he refuses to have sex with me. Soemtimes he is very tired from his work, other times we have something planned and he doesn’t want to ruin it. He keeps saying he is “waiting for the right time”. I know I excite him and all but he never jumps on the chance.
Often times it makes me feel there is something wrong with me. I even told him this but he ensured me that there’s nothing wrong with me, he just wants to take it slow because for him sex is a big deal. Maybe its my anxiety speaking or maybe I am just too much into my head, but is this okay? because honestly in this age, its hard to believe for me that someone would stay with me without me having to take my clothes off
Me (21F) and my boyfriend (24M) of 3 months haven’t taken things to bed yet. Is this normal? or am I just overthinking?
r/Advice
Comments
Hey, don’t sweat it! TBH, it sounds like he’s giving you the respect n space u need, especially considering ur past. Dealing with abuse ain’t easy, n it’s rare to find someone understanding. He’s def being a keeper here imo. Don’t rush things, and don’t let societal norms pressure you. Here’s a hot take: we rewire our norm. Value yourself for more than just sex appeal, ur worth is more than what you offer in bed. Keep faith <3.
Your boyfriend might be fearful of intimacy, or he might not feel, at some emotional or psychological level, that he is connected to you.
To my mind, the fact that he says “sex is a big deal” is a very healthy response.
Because in fact, sex is a big deal. And having sex prematurely, or pressuring someone into having sex when they’re not ready, never has a happy ending.
And believe it, or not, there are plenty of men just like him, for whom sex is a place where people go, a destination that two people travel to, and to get to that destination, they both have to be on the same flight, and feel comfortable , safe, and secure with one another.
Unless there are some other fundamental problems in your relationship with him, he sounds well adjusted and self-aware. I would suggest that you be patient and not have any expectations of him, and see where things develop. Good luck.
Hey, first off, huge respect for you for getting back out there after a really tough, abusive past relationship. That takes so much strength!! Everyone moves at their own pace in a relationship, and there’s no “normal” timeline for getting physical. Your boyfriend saying he wants to take it slow because sex is a big deal to him? That could be totally genuine.
Totally okay, in fact, it sounds like he’s showing you respect and patience you didn’t get before. Taking things slow can be a sign he values you beyond the physical, not that something’s wrong with you.
Hey give yourself some grace & try to let things happen organically . I understand what baggage you’re coming into this with, you’re not alone! So many women have your story as their story. You’re so young & truly wish you would cut yourself some slack & try things this way, his way for a bit longer just incase it ends up being the best way for you both. I certainly understand why you would feel as though something is wrong with you, but it’s not you. You both are bringing different things to this new table so to speak, give it a little more time, you may just end up being pleasantly surprised. Try to enjoy building a relationship, do regular day to day things together & try to take the pressure off of you both. He may be trying to be a different kind of guy for you, it’s gonna take a little more time to figure out if your relationship is meant to be intimate 🤷🏼♀️ what if he’s got things he’s trying to figure out about himself that may or may not have anything to do with you? Just try it his way a little longer. Enjoy your time together, use it to learn more about yourself & him. Good Luck ✌🏼
Just say you’re keen to try it and have the conversation. That’s a healthy way to approach it.