We’ve been long-distance for most of our six-year relationship. In high school, we lived about 45 minutes to an hour apart, but being in the DFW area, it never felt like a big deal.
When COVID hit during our senior year, we spent more time together and became even closer. After graduation, I went to college about three hours away, while he stayed home. We made it work with visits a couple times a month and daily FaceTime calls to fall asleep together.
I just graduated in May, and during my final semester I was back in DFW doing clinical teaching, which made seeing each other easier.
But the problem is—he keeps cheating.
I’ve caught him downloading dating and hookup apps more times than I can count. Every time I check his phone, there are hundreds of messages with other girls. At one point, I got access to a secondary Snapchat account where I found a six-month-long relationship with another girl—including exchanging nudes and saying “I love you.”
Last August, while I was away at a school event, I found a video he took of a girl giving him oral.
Since then, it’s been a never-ending cycle: he promises to change, I believe him, and then I catch him cheating again.
In January, he asked for a break to “figure himself out.” I agreed—but we clearly said we wouldn’t see other people. We got back together around Valentine’s Day, but a few months later I found dating apps on his phone again.
We took another break. Then in June, same thing—I found more stuff and we broke up again. After that, I told him I wanted to try couples therapy. He wasn’t sure at first, but we still acted like we were back together. He finally agreed to therapy about 2–3 weeks ago.
This week I found more. Again.
I checked his Apple Watch and found more messages with girls. I confronted him, he gave the same apology: “I’m sorry, I regret it, I want to be better.”
Then today, I went through his phone and found hidden files: hundreds of photos of different girls (some from FaceTime), and videos of a girl in his bed.
He said that was from January during our break—even though we agreed not to see other people. He also admitted to having a one-night stand just a month ago, only a few days after we had another breakup.
Now I feel stuck.
Part of me still wants to be with him. We’ve been together nearly 6 years. I don’t want to feel like I wasted all that time. I wanted him to change. I thought by now we’d be engaged.
But another part of me knows I deserve better. I’m tired. He still lives at home, doesn’t have a stable job (he does Uber Eats a few hours a week), and I’m ready to move forward with my life.
I told him today that I’m still open to trying couples therapy—not to “fix” things, but to figure out if there’s anything left to fix.
What would you do in my position? Am I wrong for still wanting him to change? How do I walk away when I’ve put so much into this?
TL;DR:
I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) since we were 17. We’ve been long-distance on and off, and he’s repeatedly cheated over the past few years—dating apps, emotional affairs, physical cheating, and lying about it all. Every time I catch him, he apologizes and says he wants to change. I still love him, but I’m exhausted. I don’t want to feel like I wasted 6 years, but I know I deserve better. I’ve suggested therapy to figure out if anything can be salvaged, but I’m not sure if it’s even worth it anymore. What should I do?
Comments
You know the answer: leave him, block him, move on. There’s nothing to salvage there.
Once, sure, try to work through it. A second time, it’s time to walk.
He has shown you who he is, believe it.
Stop loving HIM and start loving YOURSELF!!! He will never change because he’s an ahole that believes that you will never stand up for yourself and kick him to the curb. Prove him wrong! You know u deserve better and you do! Next time be more selective of who you give your heart to! 🫂 😘
Not years wasted experience gained. Lessons learned.
You aren’t wasting 6 years. You experienced 6 years that have made it clear you won’t waste your life.
25 , got with him at 18. Dumped him at 23, and went back. Last week I went through that damn I phone.
Don’t be 25 and still a dumb B.
THE FIX IS F*** HIM