What do I do? (Me 24M, Her 27F)(Relationship Length 8 months)
(By the way, please don’t upvote this if this gets like 10 upvotes so it doesn’t go up)
TL;DR: I don’t know if I like her possibly due to finding her in a wrong time (while recently having been attracted to other women) and maybe her giving her care too easily, and that makes me feels so shitty. Do I leave?
So, I feel the need to get this out before going to bed. I met this woman some months ago and we started playing video games together. She started liking me relatively early and started flirting after a while and I finally realized. Since then, we have a semi official thing going but I don’t know if I like her :/. I said I like her several times to her and I think I do to some extent (while she said she even loves me), but I just don’t know
I think there are several reasons to this:
First, there were girls I was attracted to in campus before I finished university and I still had them in mind to an important extent while talking to her
Second, there was this woman in her early thirties I met a year ago on Reddit. she finally blocked me and we didn’t have anything romantic going on to begin with, it was more like we were helping each other mentally (although I don’t know how healthy that was), but I was attracted to her quite a lot. I just brushed it off when she blocked me, but maybe that painful feeling like thing is still hurting me when she blocked me. And maybe I wasn’t ready for someone else for these two reasons including this and the first one.
Third, I’m on a lot of antidepressants and those might be dulling out my emotions but I don’t know
Now, about the first matter, I feel like a major asshole for that but I don’t know how to stop it. Almost my whole life, I didn’t know how to care for who were around me as friends and wanted to be with the “cool” kids, until very near time in history. Maybe the same is going for her as I still think about the girls in the uni and the woman in her early 30s.
I just feel so bad about this. She liked from very early on and said she even loves me, and I just can’t handle, cherish and do justice to that care. On the contrary, I’m betraying it by thinking about other women and possibly faking what I feel.
What do I do? Do I just leave to not lead her on? To be honest, for me too, it just feels better to leave in my own shell of a safe space. I always wanted a partner before finding her, and now that I know someone likes me, that feels both hard but also enough (as an accomplishment since that was my first time someone liking/loving me) and I wanna go back to the safe space. Sounds fucked up, I know, but that feels like what I might be feeling. “Now that I know it’s possible that I might be liked too” kind of thing
Maybe, I also couldn’t care for her because she gave her care too easily, I’m not sure. I’m aware of all these flaws of mine, but I just can’t address and change them. I feel like disgusting person but aghhh I don’t know
What do I do?