To start, this is the first time I have been with someone a bit younger than me. We have some differences in maturity and the timelines in our life as you may expect. But overall a good relationship and we are constantly learning from each other. However last night some things were brought to my attention in regards to our physical intimacy that he never spoke about until now. And honestly they truly hurt my feelings, but I am trying to understand before unintentionally putting myself or him down.
We haven’t had any issues in the bedroom, or so I thought. I have a higher drive than he does (I’ve always been like this especially now reaching my later 20s). Unfortunately I thought he had similar until now…I feel like I’ve been left in the dark.
We both were talking about getting spicy for a few days now. I waited all night until we got through work, dinner, etc before I decided to initiate once we were settled down. I got him off first this time, and after I was done getting him off he told me to give him a few minutes to recoup before focusing on me.
Well a few minutes goes by, I try to get the mood going again and he now tells me out of nowhere…that he needs to have a beer in order to perform for me. He does drink more often then not, and it’s borderline “young and 22” and functional alcoholic. But I never thought he would say this to me because this situation never occurred until now.
To try and make a long story short, it was late and we couldn’t get him anything. So he laid back down to watch another movie, and I started going through my head realizing that every time before this…he has had something in his system in order to perform. As you can imagine my thoughts went straight to “I’m not attractive enough”, “not good enough to receive reciprocation” etc.
He ended up going home after finally admitting his dysfunctions. I feel equally lied to, left out, and unworthy of pure intimacy. He said he didn’t want to tell me out of embarrassment…we’ve been together for 8 months now. What can I do… If anything…to try and wrap my head around this new information that completely crushed my self esteem?
Is this truly an underlying issue that he himself needs to address alone? How can I encourage that and try to push him to seek a medical expert without embarrassing him? Sex is a big deal for me and I don’t want to let this divide us…but it almost seems it has after last night. I feel he got what he needed and wandered off into the sunset.
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Alcoholism isn’t restricted by age. People who “need” alcohol to function should try abstinence from it for a year. If he can’t do it (or won’t) then you have your answer. It takes a lot, usually, to get an alcoholic to the point where they WANT to change and you don’t have that power. Simply put, losing you might help him in the long run, but there is no future with someone who is like this until they have long-term, stable sobriety. It’s his journey, send him down the road if he can’t stop drinking.
Sorry, he might be a good dude to you in general but if he’s going to play this crap, then I would move on. Alcoholism is a disease. There is no reason why he needs it to perform. Excuses is all im hearing. You’re entering the realm of sexual incompatibility.
This is my personal opinion. Take it or leave it.
But both of you got off, right?
“After I was done”
Does that mean after your orgasm or after you got him off?
Did you ask him why he feels he needs alcohol in order to do that? To me, he may be using alcohol to mask something. Does he not like doing it? What about it? etc. I think that’s the bigger issue.
So, just to clarify, what dysfunction was it that he admitted to? You mentioned your own observations, but not what HE actually admitted… is it that he can’t perform at all without alcohol in his system? If so, has it always been this way for him?
Also, as a 45F, the bigger issue, imo, is that he just threw up his hands and didn’t GAF about doing literally anything to please YOU, especially since you had already taken care of him. This screams lazy and selfish personality traits, and those are NOT just a sex thing… those are core traits that bleed over into the rest of the relationship over time.
I would definitely tell him that his drinking is starting to concern you, and see what his thoughts are on at least slowing down to drinking socially or something. If he can’t or won’t do that, then he has a potential (likely) alcohol abuse problem that will ALSO end up affecting your relationship, and YOU over time.
There’s a lot more going on here than just sexual incompatibility, tbh… don’t waste too long hoping/praying/expecting that he will change, because he will only change if he wants to, not for you. You’ve only been dating 8 months, you’re not married, and you don’t have kids (thankfully), so keep your head clear, and move on if these behaviors continue.
This is exactly what dating is for, to see if you’re compatible with someone for a longer-term relationship. Now that you’re getting out of the Honeymoon phase, you’re starting to see what he’s actually like. So don’t keep yourself stuck if you’re not compatible. Good luck!
This sounds like a mismatch. The kid obviously has problems and you are unhappy that you don’t get enough sex.
He needs to see a therapist/professional and look into a 12 step program/rehab/other forms of care to help him with alcohol dependency. He is not alone. There are quite a few people who use alcohol to start sexy time or feel confident because it basically quiet’s their brain so they will stop being anxious etc. It sucks that it took him this long to admit it and you are perfectly within your right to end this relationship over it.
A lot of yall with infantilize 20-23 year old women but never consider the lack of maturity of a man that age range. As for you OP, I doubt he has the sexual experience you have and would not want to go to a doctor for an ED at 22 years old. Who’s to say it’s even that and not a lack of interest. (Edited to clarify not a lack of interest in you. Just in the act).
Buddy probably has ED which is not common with kids these days.
Thanks all, this was my first Reddit post and I’ve been genuinely appreciative of the feedback and advice. I’m hoping to have a conversation with him this weekend and reevaluate my wants/needs also at this point in my life. He is a good guy and we’ve not had this problem previously, but the way it surfaced was a rough truth. Thanks and I’m continuing to read through everyone’s comments!
A lot of these comments are harsh. A lot of guy, myself included, can’t do anything after getting off. It’s just not gonna happen. He should know this about himself and that would be selfish on his part if he knew and didn’t tell you, but he just might not know that yet. Talk to him about it. But also, regardless whether you do talk, just don’t let him get off first. Try that.