Hi, I’m (28F) and I am the oldest of 5 siblings. Long story short, When I was in sixth grade my biological dad – now (60M)started to SA me – My mom was working as a nurse, and was only home at night. Then one day -had enough when he went inside our room at the middle of the night. . My sister was just sleeping beside me and he tried kissing me, pushing his tongue inside my mouth. Crying, I told him I’ll tell my mom -who was just in the other room. He laughed thinking I wouldnt, but I did. The scene played in slow motion, he begged im his knees for forgiveness, my mom slapped him- my siblings crying, wondering what was happening. At that age i thought to myself “all my fault, our happy family is broken because of me” my mom didnt talk to my dad for almost a month. My dad’s anger sometimes was thrown at me. Then after two months- it was vague but I guess we have worked it out as a family without even mentioning that incident . My mom has forgiven my dad and so did I. I believe in Jesus christ and the value of forgiveness so I forgave him. But not even a year had passed ,he continued touching me. But this time I didnt tell anyone, even until I went off to college and go back to our country (my parents are overseas workers) -I didnt want to destroy our family.
Now he is retired, I dont see the same “dad” that abused me. He just looks old and not that scary. I have chosen the path to forgiveness but what happened still haunts me. It felt like it had side effects. Like him, I watch porn – even watching themes with ” stepdad on it”. I was facing lust, but I was able to fight it because of my values, had slept only with two guys (both been my boyfriend/ ex & current) and still have dreams of him touching me again
I always thought “my situation wasn’t bad, others had it worst” since nothing was “inserted” (aside for his fingers). But why does it still haunts me? How can I really distinguish if I have forgiven him or not? Do I have to share it with anyone?
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Have you gone to therapy? If not, it’s a must.
hey I think you should open up to someone, either your mom siblings or friends whomever you’re comfortable with
Forgiveness doesn’t heal trauma. You can’t religion away trauma. Therapy will help. What he did altered your brain and you can forgive him all you want but until you psychologically unravel what he’s done chances are the memories will continue to haunt you and eventually you will start to see it bleeding over into your present life.
Forgiveness does NOT mean he’s absolved. It’s actually BS. Forgiveness means he still goes to prison and you still never speak to him again. He doesn’t get to know of you forgave him. It’s not about him. F him. He’s a gross despicable sorry excuse for a human. You never speak to him again. You go to the cops. You most likely need to cut off your mother.
Thank you for all the advice. I am considering to go to therapy maybe this will heelp my mind
I’m sorry your father hurt you in such a despicable way. The mind often tries to find ways to downplay our own trauma. You dream about it because it was an ongoing trauma that has never been processed. From what it sounds like, he never has reconciled with you and I’m sure your mom did her best, but there is a reason you couldn’t tell her when he started to do it again. You knew that she, for whatever reason, was not going to protect you. It is not surprising at all you feel the way you do. I hope you can speak to a trauma therapist to help navigate this. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting that it happened.