I [31/M] have a recurring argument with my GF [31/F] of 8 years. Recently I’ve come to realise what’s actually at the core of these arguments is actually mismatch in values. Specifically our values around:
– Commitment -> how strictly we stick to plans and RSVPs.
– Family -> how much we defer to them, the boundaries we will or will not maintain with them.
The most recent flare-up led to a huge, multi-day fight and we’re still on pretty awful terms. I’m not sure how to navigate this.
What happened:
– 6 months ago her cousin invited us to his 30th birthday party. It’s on August 23rd. Selfishly I didn’t want to go — we have nothing in common and I’ve met him a handful of times — but I said yes because I know family events are important to her.
– A few days ago we received an invite to my best friend’s birthday 30th party. Also August 23rd. I’m extremely close to this guy, he’s one of my favourite people on the planet. And it’s a milestone birthday, so I told my girlfriend I’ll have to miss her cousin’s party. She pushed back and said “no, we’ve already RSVP’d, we have to stick to our word”. I told her she’s free to go, but I’m giving plenty of notice and there’s no way I’m missing my best friend’s party for a guy I barely know.
Lots of fighting ensued. She offered a compromise of sorts, where we would go to my friend’s party for a few hours then drive to her cousin’s. I said no to this. It would be a ~2 hour drive and I want to be there the whole day. Not just a few hours while I’m checking my watch.
Things sort of escalated from there and after lots of talking past each other, we realised we have fundamentally opposing values around family and commitment to plans.
Her:
Family -> family comes first. Plans with family are more important than plans with friends. You should see family even if you don’t want to, and even if you don’t really get along with said family members. She is extremely conflict avoidant with her family and doesn’t like disappointing them (they’re also rigid with plans and can be quite passive aggressive if people are late, reschedule or something).
Commitments -> RSVPs are binding. It doesn’t matter if something more important comes up after you’ve accepted. You stick to the original commitment, no matter what.
Me:
Family -> I adore my family and make a huge amount of effort to see them. Buuut my family’s importance to me is “earned”, whereas hers is by default. I make lots of effort to see my grandparents and parents, but I make zero effort with cousins I have nothing in common with.
Commitments -> I’m a very loyal person and I show up with lots of effort for loved ones. But I do not think RSVPs are legally binding, and if something later comes along that’s much more important, I see no issue with cancelling/rescheduling with sufficient notice. Shit happens. So long as it’s not a frequent occurrence, I see no problem.
I think a lot of these differences come from our family backgrounds and upbringings.
My family:
– Very “live and let live”. Growing up, I was encouraged to be my own person and not let other people pressure me into thinking/acting/speaking in a certain way.
– Spend a lot of time together, but people rescheduling or w.e. is no biggie.
– Are very opt-in to family dynamics. The people who spend time together genuinely enjoy each other’s company. There’s no obligation driving things and the people who don’t get along rarely see one another.
– Are very open. Warm, affectionate, but also not shy to just have a fiery argument right there if there’s a disagreement.
Her family:
– Much more traditional. Small-c British conservatives.
– Spend lots of time together, but this is seen as an obligation. They’re quite rigid with plans and family members who cancel or decline are gossiped about and generally receive disapproval.
– All spend time together as one big unit, even when half of them don’t like one another. There’s lots of simmering tension under the surface.
– Kind, generous, but emotionally repressed and conflict avoidant. Never hug.
So, yeah, we’ve agreed to take a pause and give each other space for a few days. I’m not really sure where to go from here. Neither of us feels like we want to compromise on this, because our approach to family and commitment are such fundamental parts of who we are.
It would be great to hear from people who’ve also had to navigate wildly different values around family and more generally how you commit to plans. I’m sort of wondering if a breakup might be the wisest idea here — we’re planning on having kids soon-ish and I feel like they’ll be torn between clashing family dynamics.
OTOH, if anyone was able to solve this problem in their own relationship, or just generally has some advice, I would love that.
TL;DR – me and my GF have wildly different values around family and commitment. She treats RSVPs as law. I don’t feel guilty rescheduling if something more important comes up. She feels an obligation to family and always puts them first. I am much more opt-in with my own family. This clash of values is leading to fights and neither of us wants to compromise on deeply held values. Where do we go from here?