I feel like I should break up with my girlfriend.
We have been together for roughly 2.5 years now and our relationship is stagnating. At the moment I don’t feel like we should take steps forward in the relationship and I feel reluctant to do have any middle/long term plans. She feels like she can’t do those (which is both true and fair)
On my side I feel like there are some structural problems as well as some incompatibilities and I fear that’s what’s causing me not to want to move forward.
I see some problems in terms of values, I tend to see ourselves as a union of two individuals, for her however, the couple seems to be more the base unit of everything. There have been times where I’ve made decisions like saying “yes” to a friends gathering or marking my availability in a poll with friends without consulting her and that was a seen as a problem since we should first discuss it with each other.
Another big problem is the constant accusations that I’m flirting and/or looking at other women. While I do admit I tend to look around more than most people ( i.e I let my eyes wander around when I’m sitting outside and I get easily distracted with movement, colors and yes sometimes attractive women) I never really stay on the same place for long periods of time, I tend to be conscious of staring and I truly believe I never really look at anyone for more than 1s or 2s. There have been situations where it was pointed out to me that I would be staring at some girl and from where I was I wasn’t even able to see her. This kind of thing has culminated in me forcing myself to look at the ground as a way to “guarantee” I can’t possibly be looking at anyone but even then the accusations continued. Currently, and after talking with her about how this is not really bearable she is trying not to look at me looking. I honestly think this is likely to backfire as the moment she things she sees something I believe she will “infer” that all the moments she was not looking something happened.
Finally I also feel like the above problem is just a manifestation of a personality trait that I personally dislike. I often feel like she’s quick to judge a is not really able to try to put her on the other person’s shoes. Whenever there is a situation she dislikes or that irritates her, the immediate response is to lash out and blame the person. I’m often the target of this and unless I kind of “fight back” by pointing out that she’s being unfair or it’s not like she things it is in a assertive tone, the situation will often evolve into dissecting my behavior and trying to prove that she’s right and that I did indeed do something without e.g considering her.
I find these situations haven been getting better with time, however I can’t help but feel skeptical since I’ve been going through this for the last 2y and improvements only really started a couple months back after we almost broke up.
To make this a bit more balanced, I think I should say that when the above is not a factor, we do get along pretty well. We have similar sense of humor, we really like to tease and be playful with each other, sex is great, we like doing similar stuff and we do both truly care and love each other.
My question, or at least what I’m struggling now is knowing if I should terminate the relationship or wait to see if things get better ?
I do fear that these improvements might not last, specially since relationships go through bad moments and I fear that when those do come, all the fear, insecurities, … will refuel a lot of these old problems.
Sorry for the long wall of text.
Comments
Neither of you are really “wrong” it’s a matter of preference, you have different preferences on how aspects of your relationship should run, like checking in with your partner before committing to plans.
Have you actually sat down when not in a fight, and talked about these aspects to try and find a compromise, or has it been more a case of her calling something out and you agreeing to “be better” without finding the middle ground?
There will always be things about your partner that wind you up a bit, it’s only you that decides when it becomes a dealbreaker.
If she can’t acknowledge that her “we’re a couple; we do everything together” stance, and her knee-jerk assumption that you’re looking for any excuse to cheat on her the second she drops her guard, and even her reluctance to admit she can be wrong about things sometimes are part of the same cluster of insecurity issues and work on fixing that instead of making it your/other people’s problem, this isn’t going to get better. And it doesn’t sound like she’s particularly interested in not making it your problem unless you break out the ultimatums, which is not a dynamic you want.
I think it is probably worth weighing out how you feel in your situation. As a relationship progresses and you get more comfortable around a person, you can start to see the sides you wouldn’t initially be shown.
Aswell as this, the initial head over heels love that comes will always fade, however if you really care about the person it will become an “unconditional love”, which, to keep any relationship possible you need to work for. Speaking as someone in a relationship for nearly 3 years now, its not always easy to see eye to eye, but making sure you are not being defensive in an argument is very important. See if trying to fully understand why your partner might have issues, and figuring out where them stem from, might help.
However, if the unconditional part of your love is not unconditional, it might be time to reassess the relationship. How does the idea of never seeing your partner again affect you? Does it make you sad, or does it give you a sense of relief?