Me (33M) and my wife (32F) might finally get a divorce after 10 years of marriage.

I’m 33M two boys 11 and 7 been married for 10 years (we married since she was pregnant, an unplanned pregnancy) 

So it’s a tricky situation, and kinda heavy. Maybe someone has been through it already? 

10 years married, and over the years she has mentioned multiple times she wants a divorce, feels trapped, not sexually attracted, etc. She is often always anxious, hard to focus, and struggled with depression. 

There’s a lot of childhood trauma, post harden, etc that I thought was the issue over the years.. and often it gets taken out on me with late nights and stressful conversations with her being very distraught, extreme, and thinking of hurting herself or others out of extreme anxiousness and distress. 

We have always grinded. I worked 16 hr days in film, while she was at home with the kids. After some events where I had to come ok home because she was yelling and scaring the kids, I knew I needed to be closer to home. We bought a house, and I work from home now doing my own job in insurance brokerage and make decent money $5k per month, going to be scaling to double soon. 

She said she wanted out again, and that she’s done for good. She says she can barely get through this job as a barista and doesn’t know if she will make it out of probation. 

I have tried to help her, cook food, clean, take care of the kids, while all working in between at home. I even try to watch movies with her, spend time together, just walk or talk.. and I really want it to work because we have two kids together. She avoids it and when we go out she talks to everyone else except me, besides some small talk or whatever she wants to talk about.. if it’s my interest and it doesn’t interest her, she goes on her phone mid convo. 

I think it’s past that now, and over for good this time and I’m stuck in limbo. 

She’s a really sweet caring girl.. except when she’s anxious or stressed. She doesn’t want to hear anything about what I do for work, what I’m feeling, etc. she share it with me all the time, I listen, and try to share my thoughts in a helpful way. She makes food sometimes and finds me clothes, but she’s not emotionally available to me anymore. 

We have been through so much.. and honestly I’ve taken all sorts of abuse and for the sake of the kids I just take it. She gets quite manic sometimes when she doesn’t eat or sleep properly especially, it’s always the recurring factor. She says sorry, but doesn’t ever improve even though she promised to multiple times but just can’t find the strength I guess. 

I want to move on.. and just get out there with meeting some other girls but I feel guilty and like I always have, I’m so worried about her and I just want to help but she just really doesn’t want my help and can’t find the motivation to help herself. She avoids it all and just goes on her phone for hours to avoid thinking or dealing with whatever bothers her. Any time I talk to her about it she gets very irate and extreme, taking about selling the house taking the money and just leaving to never talk to the kids again and become a hooker since she feels so challenged and that she can barely hold onto a basic min wage job. ( I know she can never not be in contact with the kids )

I’m not perfect either, but I know I’m very supportive, work extremely hard, help around the house. Sometimes I’m losing my cool now because of so many emotions and hurt feelings from trauma her manic episodes are causing (happens almost monthly).. I can feel myself getting bitter and sour waiting for some change and improvement after the multiple episodes and sorrys. I’ve been so tolerable, gentle, calm and trying to really work through these things… but I feel like I’m at my whits end and I just can’t do it anymore.

It’s always been even harder since she’s born in China, and ESL. Her english isn’t perfect, so she fills in gaps all the time of what I’m saying assuming I’m saying something worse than I am.. when I’m just trying to share a perspective or get some understanding. I rarely ever make conclusions or accusations… just trying to find solutions.

I’ll always love her and be there for her, and I just want to make this as easy as possible for her and help her get on her feet. 

How can I help her? I try to get her out into nature whenever I can because that helps. I really want to help her be able to heal her trauma though from her parents when she was young. 

I don’t think it’s possible for me to help her anymore… and we don’t have family or friends who would ever want to get into these weeds with us.. she tried counselling… but they would just get her talking about all this stuff and her child hood trauma but never resolve anything.

Thoughts? 

I’m just so overwhelmed and feeling stuck/trapped and honestly hopeless at this point.

We’re still living together… but I just want to get out and meet maybe other separated moms to just go hiking and have some nice conversations with a woman.. maybe feel like what it’s like to flirt again. I’m a good looking fella and I take care of myself, am a good listener, whatever so I’m not concerned about finding anyone. I just don’t want to do wrong by her, feel like I’m cheating or make things worse.

We’re still friends and she has already made it very clear that she wants to end it. People asked us when we were talking to them of we were married I said yes and she said we’re just friends… but now has gone back to saying we’re married to people again with some change of feelings/mood.

Thanks to whoever takes the time to read this all. Any help, feedback or shared similar experiences is appreciated ❤️