Husband and I have been together since 2012 and married since 2017. We have three kiddos – 7, 4, and 2. We’ve been through lots of ups and downs but try to talk it out and move forward. We have mutual interests (e.g., skiing/snowboarding) but also enjoy other activities at differing degrees.
Me (41F): Prefers physical experiences and activities – travel, hiking/backpacking, museums, any activity but like variety. Sitting at a restaurant is very low on my list.
Him (42M): Prefers comedy shows and movies, eating out, lake activities, and being with his family.
We used to do all kinds of things together – concerts, restaurants, ice cream shops, museums, gallery openings, walking the dogs, meeting up with friends, etc. – and some stuff he coordinated and some stuff I coordinated. Now everything feels like a struggle with him unless it’s something he absolutely loves (e.g., paddle boarding or a comedy show). And we’ve started doing stuff separately.
For context, we rarely go on date night (maybe 3 per year) and had a recent interaction and conversation that concerned me, and I don’t know how to navigate it.
Last weekend, I set up a date night for us to go to an outdoor concert at a big park near our home. Concerned that the concert may not be his type of music, I suggested instead that we do a casual 9-holes or less followed by some drinks. He said that if he played golf, then we would have to play the 9-holes which takes 3 hours. I didn’t understand why we had to play all 9-holes but he pushed on it. I was disappointed, said no thank you, and asked him to come up with a different option for the night. Needless to say, we ended up not going on a date night and instead I took my youngest to the concert for 45 minutes.
So then, I proposed a hypothetical date night idea of going to an MLB game. In our town, you can get cheap tickets ($20) and lots to do at the ballpark – watch the game, grab food, hit the stadium rooftop bars, etc. In this scenario, he said he would have to stay all 9 innings. In my version, I said we’d stay until the 7th inning stretch and then go down the street to a hip bar for cocktails.
Apparently there is no compromise between us, and it makes me not want to spend time with him. Concerned we are drifting apart, losing our relationship, and losing ourselves in the process. I don’t know how to navigate this and am open to suggestions.
Also, I’ve suggested he choose one date night and then I choose the next date night. That doesn’t seem to work because either he never plans anything or I plan something that he doesn’t like.
TL;DR – Husband and I have differing opinions when planning date night and family activities and tension arises quickly. Seems to be no compromise and concerned we are losing our partnership and ourselves after 10+ years and starting our family. Is this common? Can we get out of this? How can I be amenable to his preferences but also stay firm on some things that make me happy?
Comments
What was his reasoning for NEEDING to do all 9 holes or NEEDING to watch all 9 innings?
Just as there seems to be a bit unspoken:
I’d be curious what the struggle is with him not enjoying dates where’s not 100% on board with the acitivty? And why each of you struggle to pick things that you both like? I understand sometimes misjudging things, but in the example of the concert did you know when organised it he not like it, or was that a later worry? And in the examples of the golf and MLB games, you suggested the dates but didn’t want to go on them?
You mentioned he used to plan dates, what changed?
It sounds like you guys have decent communication about wants and desires when it comes to these events. But I’m a little confused why there always has to be such rigid rules about when activities end.
My wife and I have similar conversations to ensure each of us goes into an event with the right expectations. But it’s usually a rough “these are the plans and then we’ll play it by ear.” Going into an event requiring that you leave golf by a certain time/hole or leaving a game by a certain inning seems completely unnecessary. I can see where your husband is coming from – if I’m golfing or going to a game, I want to play the full round or see the full game.
It sounds like you guys need to tweak the communication. Try having date nights that are not so rigid in “we have to leave by X time” and “we must go to X place.”
Edit: looking at your other comments, both of you are guilty of not simply being able to enjoy each other’s company. The need to cut a baseball game short because you don’t like baseball seems so weird to me. You can’t just enjoy his company? You can’t gut it out for one more hour to do something he enjoys? And he’s as guilty as you are for only planning events he likes. I think I take back my original thought about you guys communicating well. Communication has nothing to do with it. I’m concerned that a couple that has been together for as long as you guys have can’t mustard the willpower to put your own needs aside to simply do anything together without there being strings attached to who gets to have fun doing what they like.
The point of a date night is to spend time together- him insisting on what you do and how you do it defeats the purpose and shows that he’s extremely stubborn and unwilling to do something he doesn’t want to do even for one minute. How is he as a parent? Because if he’s the ‘we stay and watch all 9 innings or I don’t go’ type of person with you, I can’t imagine he is a flexible or caring parent.
why do your plans involve leaving activities early? you are proposing games and saying you don’t want to do the full thing…so why are you proposing games? to me that’s like saying “let’s go see this 3 hour movie but leave 2.5 hours in,” maybe he feels the same?
Are you dropping the topic entirely after he says he wants to do it differently or not at all? I’m extremely curious about what would happen if you were like, we are actually going to keep talking until we have a date planned that we are both committed to. I’d also like to echo the person below who’s wondering why you can’t be flexible with one another during a date night. I went to a concert with my bf, i have sensory issues, he knew ahead of time that i would probably not last the whole night, we communicated about it throughout. Is communication so fraught that you don’t want to chance disagreeing in public? or you can’t trust one another to prioritize the other person’s comfort?
I dont understand why you are planning to leave all of these events early. I wouldnt want to go to something I wasnt even planning on finishing.
Have you actually had a conversation about this?
Sounds like he’s checking out.
I really don’t understand why you suggested golf but then when he said he wanted to play 9 holes you changed your mind and said no. You suggested baseball but when he says he wants to watch the whole game you change your mind and say no. I really don’t understand planning date night where you go to multiple places and when he makes a suggestion to only do one thing, you cancel the whole thing. Am I missing something? Maybe he just doesn’t want to go multiple places?
to me the glaring issue here is the arguing. it’s one thing to have different preferences, but the lack of desire to reach a common goal (ie spending quality time together) is the main problem. if you propose something he has a complaint, if he proposes something you have a complaint. I see that you have different interests, but it feels like you’re just going through the motions for each other and not truly feeling joy together. at that point it stops being about the activity and more about how you two don’t see eye to eye. what’s the rest of your life like? do you two struggle to plan in general? what attracted you to each other in the first place?
If the reason you want to cut short the activities he wants to complete is because you don’t enjoy them, why don’t you pick activities you both enjoy and can be present until completion?