Married 41M, she is 44F. together for 10 years. 9F and a 5M Children. Married quite quick after a year to have kids. First relationship for me and thinking now was a bit naive.
Starts happening with differences with parents “contributions”. Myself coming from a working background, herself generational wealth. She has no job and will never need to. Her family assets are separate and was made clear when I signed a prenup.
Arguments always initiated by her. I am quite passive and hate confrontation. I made a active decision when the 2nd one was born to just give in agree to everything and keep quiet, however now I notice this is never enough. Ever since that day I NEVER talk back at her. Escalation is a big thing, no matter what I say the so called “argument” will lead to another of her issues and another, till the day is over.
After Covid (terrible time) she asked to go back to China for a few years because she felt the schooling system was terrible. First couple of times she asked me I said nothing until finally I gave in. She left for 2 year back to China with the kids for better education for the older one.
I literately don’t know how it went so fast but they are back. I missed the kids so much.
Finally they are back. After 8 weeks back as expected, initiates argument, escalation to next issue and next issue end of day. Everything is the same. One of the issues for her to leave was education and once they get a little older they will be better behaved (for her)
Some things I am not getting over (I have told her once early on but just stopped because of the escalation).
- Hates the country, thinks education system is crap. Think its its a poor country (its a 1st world county). China so much better and so forth. Everything expensive.
- My parents don’t help financially and physically (like her parents do). I really did make a active decision to keep her away from my parents because of a argument when the first one was a baby. I was told by friends to keep parents close but not living together. Since then my parents made a huge financial loss on a property to “try” to help but this never worked. There was huge pressure (and arguments initiated by her) to have my parents close by us.
- Wants me to take time off work to sort out schooling issues. my job involves meetings all the time. (her English is average). Doesn’t want to get involved with school, eg find out why my girl is not getting homework. Doesn’t want to go to parent interviews.
- She is dedicated to sitting down with the older one every night to do homework with her. Yells shǎ bī (which translates to idiot – but I am not sure of the context and if its just a common word but I know what a idiot is and I find that highly offensive) at the older one if she doesn’t understand or cant read properly. Her mood drastically changes and there is really no point speaking to her for the rest of the night.
- Some things happened over weekend wanted to return to China, next minute taking about taking holidays every month like everything normal again.
FYI I love China. I have nothing against it, and agree with her. However it IS a different country, its a different system and not my home country and I don’t want to live there. I don’t think I have been clearer to her about it.
I have a few faults as mentioned. I feel I have dug myself a hole. I feel pain in my heart and no one to really tell (my parents and bothers and sisters know but I stopped telling them because it wasn’t solving anything and they too were getting annoyed, they asked me to finish but I want to keep the family together. I am pretty sure if I did say what I really felt (like she does unfiltered) it would be over and she would just go back to China. For time being I keep quiet and take the good days when I can.
I clean, wash clothes, schooling, buy mostly everything and put the kids to sleep all without savings.
FYI When her mood is good life is great.
I want to know am I overthinking, am I too sensitive?
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Hide the kid’s passports and get a lawyer. You need a divorce and you need to make sure she doesn’t take the kids out of the country without your consent. China is a non Hague country so good luck getting them back if she takes them there and doesn’t return.
The living situation sounds toxic and maybe a 50/50 or primary custody to you situation would be better for the kids. Get a lawyer and seperate
Your wife is emotionally abusive. Staying quiet just makes it worse because they see that as weakness and they lose more respect for you.
Get the kids’ passports frozen and then divorce her. They probably have Chinese passports so speak with a lawyer about what you can do for that.
So she’s verbally abusive and wants to take your children from you.
Divorce her and use the custody to stop her taking the kids out of the country.
Yeah she’s gonna take the kids to China and you’re never gonna see them again if you’re not careful and quick about what you do next. You can forget any custody arrangement out there.
Get their passports and get an alert out on them so she can’t take them out of the country. Hire a lawyer and divorce/ get a custody arrangement out in place.
She sounds emotionally abusive towards your kids and you need to stop being a pushover and be an active and protective father. They need you to step up for them.
She kinda just sounds like a general, all-around dickhead. Who the fuck calls a kid an idiot doing homework? I mean, you do homework to learn and that entails making mistakes. If the kid knew everything already it would be pointless to actually do the stuff.
In China, women that behave this way get beaten. She knows she can push you around and will continue to do so because she has contempt for you.
She shouldn’t be calling your kid a shabi. It translates to “stupid cunt.” This woman is a nightmare and I’ve seen a few like her during my years in China. Most are not that way but the ones who go abroad or hang out in foreign bars to find a husband often are.
You need to record everything. The cruel words, the fights from nowhere. Document everything and then plan an exit. Good luck with that 他妈的碧池
she won’t be happy until she stops finding her identity in her kids’ academics/intelligence. she cares too much about what her parents think of her and those scars are now being carried over to your children.
Sounds like a classic expat Chinese princess. Only child?
She won’t respect you if you stay quiet. And she’ll leave you if speak up. The ONLY way you’re keeping this relationship is if you suddenly make a whole lot of money and treat her like the entitled princess she’s been led to believe she is.