The following situation arose: I have been dating a lady for almost 2 years. At the beginning of our relationship, she got drunk once and was kissed by another guy at a club. I forgave her, because after that she immediately ran out and told me about it. After that, she started no more drinking. I tried to persuade her to drink at least together, but she refused, but about a year ago she started drinking again. However, I never persuaded her to drink together, and if she did drink in a group setting, she would only have 1 or 2 cocktails and that was it. The problem arose that she was going to meet up with her friends (without their significant others) and she expressed her desire to go there and get drunk and spend the night there, even though she had never gotten drunk with me in the 2 years together. Another problem is that she wants to go there dressed in revealing clothes (wide necklines, etc.). Then the second problem is that it seems to me that there are many things that she does not want to do except with me. For example: during the summer I suggest that we go to the seaside with swimsuits, have some sun, and hang out. She says she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t like the sand, the sea, and she doesn’t have a swimsuit that fits. However, if any friend suggests it, she immediately agrees, the swimsuit and mood appear. And when I tell her what I don’t like, she claims that I’m trying to control her and that I’m being irrational. What is your opinion?
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first things first- she “was kissed BY another guy”
why was she made to apologise??? why did she feel she had to apologise for another man’s actions?? in which were seemingly NOT consensual?
second thing – her wearing wide necklines and “revealing” clothing is not at all a problem unless you’re insecure & therefore that’s a YOU problem. how in the world is her wearing wide necklines problematic ??
therapy. for you, not her.
I’ve experienced this before.. dressing nicely when going out with my friends vs dressing more casual with my husband..
Firstly, in regards to dressing one way around certain friends.. there’s a friendly competition/encouragement to look your best. When you’re friends are all dressed up, you want to look the part too – whereas there can be a sense if comfortability around your partner. When my husband first complained – I had to remind him that when I step out with the girls we usually go to higher end places/restaurants where there is a dress code while my husband will bring me to the local pizza shop.
Secondly – as much as we love you guys, sometimes we just enjoy time with our friends. It’s like when some guys watch sports or play video games with us vs. friends.. there’s guy talk/girl talk etc etc..
Long as she’s not being secretive, this can be worked on
P.S. Forgot to mention that every time we get into an argument she always threatens breaking up.
She just sees you as her comfort zone. Wanna fix this? Mirror her behaviour. Go out with your friends more. Dress nicer with them than with her. The one thing i’ve noticed works best to make your partner think twice after determining that conversations haven’t been effective, isn’t arguing about it, just mirror what they do.
Sounds like she’s being secretive, and trying to hit you with gaslighting. I think you should call it quits. The wishy washy behavior is a red flag for me.
She is not in love with you and seems to enjoy the time with friends more than with you. Be it dressing nicer, drinking etc.
Trust me, for the right man she will do what you want her to do.
Break up and move on to someone who appreciates you more !
I think you can tell her this basic theme.
Tell her it bothers you that there’s stuff she won’t do with you that she happily does with her friends, and that makes you suspect you’re not dealing with the real person and that she is controling you in some way by keeping herself from you.
If that’s not what you want from a partner and she isn’t capable of bridging the gap between friend and boyfriend, then maybe this coupling is a bad idea.
Personally, it sounds lonely and isolating, and that kind of thing only snowballs. So I think you’re right to be bothered by it and I think you’re right to want to fix it.