I’m feeling really conflicted and could use some outside perspective on this. My boyfriend has a business trip coming up to another city for about a week. What’s been bothering me is that he told me he’s going to be staying with his ex-girlfriend while he’s there, he was initially going to book a hotel but when he let her know he’s coming to her city she was more than happy to over him a place.
Here’s the thing: Jake has been very open with me about his past, and he’s told me that this ex was his first kiss, first love, first sexual partner-basically his first everything. He’s always spoken about her with a kind of nostalgic fondness, though he insists that he’s completely over her and that she’s just a friend now.
I trust him to some extent, but I can’t help feeling uneasy about the situation. I’ve asked if there’s any chance of awkwardness or unresolved feelings, and he’s reassured me that it’s purely platonic and that she’s just helping him out with a place to stay. Especially since around 2-3 weeks ago she was crying to him on the phone that her bf broke up with her.
Am I overthinking this? I just feel like her breaking up with her bf and my bf coming over may respark some things?
We’ve been together 4 years and them two haven’t been together for about 10 years.
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They dated when he was a teenager.
This seems more like a friend situation and not one I’d be worried about.
If something makes you uncomfortable, you are valid to raise that and ask him to stay elsewhere. You have to raise it to him in a healthy way, not accusatory because he hasn’t done anything wrong, just an assertion of your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with. If he loves you healthily, he should respect that and he shouldn’t put his wants above your discomfort.
His reaction should be “I didn’t realise it would make you uncomfortable, I’m sorry, I won’t do that. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
It’s odd he would contact her when he was coming to her city. Also odd, she would call him to cry about a breakup. Him and her may talk about nostalgia when they are together, but this will be an important trust test he will need to follow through with. If he hasn’t been guarding his cell when she texts, then you have to trust him in doing the right thing. She may be emotionally broken, and him there she may want someone to talk to. In this situation, you just have to trust he does the right thing. When he comes back, watch for any weird behavior from him, especially when it comes to his ex.
No good reason to stay at her place when traveling for business – hotel would be paid by the company. The only reason is that he wants to stay with her, he TOLD you without discussion that it was happening . Your bf is completely out of line to be staying with his ex.
I’m trying to put myself in your shoes what I would do if my bf told me he was doing this… but I can’t because there’s zero chance a good partner would do this
Sorry but no one is naive enough not to see this for what it is even if they can’t even spell propriety. Not your BF, not his Ex and not you. Seriously “Honey I need to go on a business trip to Ex’s city. Yes my first everything Ex. She’s just so sad that she broken up with her BF that she chose to cry to me, a guy that she hasn’t been with in decade about it. And of course I’ll be staying with her platonically.”
Come on you know he’d never except this BS if it was coming from you. No one should. Hell picking the first excuse you’re going to hear out of his mouth when you eventually learn they slept together is a no brainer.” I was just comforting her, after a few drinks and our history just bubbled up. It totally wasn’t planned.” Or a variation of this nonsense. Up to you if you want to stick around for all of this. There’s no avoiding the fact that it’s going to happen short of him quitting his job and not going there. So don’t buy the predictable and “reluctant” concession that he’ll just stay in a hotel. Good luck.
Her just breaking up with her BF adds another layer to this situation that should definitely cause some concern. If she’s in her feelings about the end of her relationship she may be searching for validation. Which she may seek in a guy with whom she has a lot of history. Being in someone’s home as a guest is very personal and there can be a lot of time for flirting and getting caught up in nostalgia. There’s no one there but the two of them and the memories of all of their “firsts” together. If she starts playing the “I have a broken heart” card then he may lower boundaries because he feels sorry for her then get caught up in the moment because lust is real.
This isn’t anything I would want my partner to be a part of so I understand your concern.
Sorry but hard no for me! It’s too much and the opportunity is there to cheat and he should not even want to do that for your relationship!
Neither of them have boundaries. Crying to your ex that your current bf broke up with you? Does she have no friends? Then staying with her pretty much only 2 weeks later? Nah fam. That’s not it. If he respected your relationship, he’d have established boundaries with her, which he clearly hasn’t.
If it’s an actual real company/work trip then his work would’ve booked and paid the hotel for him. Or he would’ve booked or been reimbursed by them. Absolutely zero reason to couch surf with his ex
The real question is, do you want to deal with this for the rest of your relationship? I’d also ask him, if the situation was reversed, would he be okay with it?
That is a nope for me. My best friend is a woman and I wouldn’t even consider staying at her home. It would be a hotel and the business can pay for it. I’d put my foot down on this. If he refuses you know where you stand in your relationship.